by Saintbertholdt 0 Replies latest social humour

  • Saintbertholdt

    Hi there forum,

    Its Sunday. And even as an atheist I'm having flights of religious fancy. Whaaaat? Why?

    Yesterday I went through the new book for prospective Jehovah's Witness novitiates: 'What can the Bible Teach us?'. I chuckled when I saw the funky commercialized jw.org (tm) logo which received a whole page dedication (page two). I was also struck (as others here on the forum are) by the dumbed down language that was used within the new book. It really does feel as if the organizations target audience is now as young as eleven years old. I then considered how the organization is seemingly having serious financial troubles and so I was doing different projections about possible Watchtower futures.

    One scenario that keeps on haunting me is that there exists a very slim chance that the current Governing Body could blow the whole game. How? By claiming that Armageddon is (date setting) imminent. If one looks at the current political situation in Syria where the US and Russia are now embroiled on two sides of a very morally ambiguous fence, the Governing Body might perceive these developments and their own financial troubles as clear indications that 'the end' is nigh. So what would happen if in the midst of their financial woes they did a 1975 type of prediction and it backfired? Coincide this with a 'what if' where their financial chicanery was simultaneously fully exposed in the worlds press? In short a mass exodus would ensue, but what then?

    In one possible variation of that unknown country which we call the future, a new sect is born: The Millennial Bible Student Movement (MBSM). In this possible future or alternate time-line of many 'what ifs', I project that as a response to and sudden trauma of losing their beloved organization, many ex-members would immediately try to fill the void. New tenets and doctrines would have to be invented. As a public service to this possible future, I have developed (I did this yesterday) a new religion with its own set of tenets and doctrines, which to your horror I will now begin to share with you.

    So to all you forum ex-Witnesses, think of this as an old time Sunday radio horror show, with your deepest fears realized and the Watchtower madness continuing in religiously fevered perpetuity. Mwua hahahahahahahaha... Awe at the fecal splendor as I confabulate one part dumbed down and plagiarized 'What can the Bible Teach us?', one part Charles Taze Russell prophesy and one part which I pulled straight out of my ass. But before you think this is just harmless fun, let the reader take heed and beware: This is some potent cool-aid. No effort has been spared and this is a viable cult. The first part discusses when the gentile times ended and develops the theme to the 'New System' with PART II. It then gets downright weird with part III. Are you ready? You have been warned...

    Camel cigarettes, Pabst Blue Ribbon in association with Quaker Oats presents! Master B's theater:


    Queue effects: Creaking door, cold wind and echoing footsteps...



    The prophecy in Daniel chapter 4 indicates that God would set up his Kingdom in 1934.

    The prophecy: God gave King Nebuchadnezzar a prophetic dream about a large tree that was chopped down. In the dream, a band of iron and copper was put around the tree’s stump to stop it from growing for a period of “seven times.” After that, the tree would grow again. — Daniel 4:1, 10-16.

    What the prophecy means for us: The tree represents God’s rulership. For many years, God used kings in Jerusalem to rule over the nation of Israel. (1 Chronicles 29:23) But those kings became unfaithful, and their rulership ended. Jerusalem was destroyed in the year 587 B.C.E. That was the start of the “seven times.” (2 Kings 25:1, 8-10; Ezekiel 21:25-27) When Jesus said, “Jerusalem will be trampled on by the nations until the appointed times of the nations are fulfilled,” he was talking about the “seven times.” (Luke 21:24) So the “seven times” did not end when Jesus was on earth. God promised to appoint a King at the end of the “seven times.” The rulership of this new King, Jesus, would bring great blessings for God’s people all over the earth, forever.—Luke 1:30-33.

    The length of the “seven times”: The “seven times” lasted for 2,520 years. If we count 2,520 years from the year 587 B.C.E., we end up at the year 1934. That was when God the father made Jesus, the Messiah, King of God’s Kingdom in heaven.

    How does one get the number 2,520? The Bible says that three and a half times equal 1,260 days. (Revelation 12:6, 14) So “seven times” is double that number, or 2,520 days. The 2,520 days are equal to 2,520 years because of the prophetic rule “a day for a year.”— Numbers 14:34; Ezekiel 4:6.

    Which spiritually significant earthly events occurred in the year 1934? After the end of the First World War new forms of government were taking shape. These governments insisted on total allegiance, even regarding the worship of God. One particular world leader promised his country's citizens in August 1934 that he would bring about a thousand years of peace. This was an attempt to take up the role of God's promised kingdom (Revelation 20:1-3).

    Many Christians were persecuted in that particular country for not compromising their faith. In 1934 one Christian group responded with a public declaration that promised that they would always remain loyal to God (Daniel 3:16-18). They would never allow any government to take over the position that was rightfully God's. This declaration, the Barmen declaration, was made by a number of faithful churches. It showed that true Christians would remain loyal to God's Kingdom and would not allow any human government to take its place.

    Another Christian group who were also being persecuted prophetically warned thát wicked earthly government with a flood of telegrams: "Your ill-treatment of Jehovah's Witnesses shocks all good people on earth and dishonors God's name. Refrain from further persecution of Jehovah's Witnesses; otherwise God will destroy you and your national party."

    After Jesus was crowned King in heaven in 1934 he surveyed the earth (Revelation 11:11-13). He was looking for his true followers. He saw that no single organization could represent his Kingdom and his true representatives would have to come out of all peoples and nations (Revelation 5:9). As his first act as King, Jesus would banish Satan and his demons from heaven to the confines of the earth (Revelation 12:7-9).

    This would cause untold hardships here on earth (Revelation 12:12) but Jesus would also bring about the downfall of the human governments that tried to replace his Kingdom. Just over ten years after he was enthroned as King, Jesus had cleaned his fathers house and restored basic freedoms to the earth. He also fulfilled the prophetic longing of all Christians by destroying world tyranny. But how long would mankind have to wait before Kingdom rule would be fully restored and paradise earth realized?


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    Rich, rich, rich with flavor, Camel cigarettes.

    What'll you have? Pabst Blue Ribbon.

    What'll you have? Pabst Blue Ribbon.

    What'll you have? Pabst Blue Ribbon.

    Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.


    So what have I missed, and why is this not the Twuth?

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