PRESIDENT'S REMARKS TO TRAITOROUS PEACEMONGER DEMOCRATS: "LAST CALL TO HOP ON BOARD THE BLOODWAGON! BURY YOUR PRINCIPLES IN RED-HOT, SHOCKIN' AWESOME WAR PORN!"
Statement by the President
To the handful of remaining publicly pro-peace Democrat sissies like Tom Daschle and Lincoln Chaffee, I have these words for you: the "USA Might is Right Bloodwagon" is leaving the station babies, so liquefy those spines, hitch up those skirts and jump on board, or forever zip your puke chutes! Because once I slaughter enough Iraqazoids, we're staging one hell of a carefully-produced, Made-for-TV Arabiac Lovefest, and the only way to score killer touchy-feely footage for your 2004 campaign commercials will be to join me now in my deleted
To the rest of America I say this: in our new uncertain time of undeclared war, it is essential for all scared-shitless, working-class zombies and bourgeois fascists to come to the aid of their quasi-elected corporate masters. Confront the peacemonger, the Democrat, the hippy asshole who doesn't get off watching Die Hard and ask them: are you with America, or are you a seditious fellator of uncircumcised terrorist schlong?
This country isn't strong enough to endure rabid division and debate. Only by uniting in a bloodthirsty orgy of blinding nationalistic purpose can we inflict selective democracy by toppling that demonized eunuch Saddam Hussein. I mean come on, Democraps! You think life is a world popularity contest? deleted the world. If the world jumped off a bridge, would you too? If the world wanted to sacrifice short term profitability for a future of global tranquility and ecological sustainability, would you too? Hell, no!
Therefore, I hereby command all Americans – Republican or wrong – to tune their dials to the FOX News Channel and absorb the relentless glory of wartime killing! Feel your powerless and flaccid souls engorge with blood and power as sanitized video-phone footage of the rosy-cheeked, flag-waving GI Joes I'm killing fills every absorbent cranny of your sponge-like brain. War is hell, but only if you can see you're taking a beating.
You know, conservative oracle Bill O'Reilly, who hasn't stopped spewing holy truths since he was still covered in amniotic slime, correctly believes that networks shouldn't show war dead, because people already know how tough war can be. I agree with him: the news is not here to sensationalize war. Our various corporate Ministries of Propaganda are here to desensitize you to war. Some knee-jerk bleeding heart snatches might call this a bad thing. I say – do you want your dentist tearing out a rotten molar without a nose full of happy gas?
I submitted a prospective cost for this war to the Congress the other day. I requested more tax dollars to help to continue harassing Americans suspected of being "funny." More tax dollars to begin subsidizing the humanitarian corporations that will take over Iraq when Pharaoh Franks finally marches into Baghdad, and more flying Killbots.
What I didn't include in that cost is the generation of young people who make up our superior armed forces, who are being marched through sandstorms, mortars, and bullets all because a bunch of pudgy, middle-aged chickenhawks whose only combat experience is watching Saving Private Ryan had a paranoid brainstorm twelve years ago. One day, while reading the names of their dead friends on an imposing marble war memorial, that generation will ask, "Why?"
Well sons – and brutish lezbo daughters – "why?" is hard to fully answer from high up here atop the American pyramid of entitlement. Perhaps if you had been born with a sterling silver ladle in your mouth, you'd be able to understand that the close-knit group of greedy, monacled pig men in top hats who control the world's levers of power are simply above such mundane questions as "why?"
In closing, I sincerely hope that after we've kicked these despotic, former American protégé sand monkeys all over Mesopotamia, and once peace has settled on the Earth ten or twenty years from now, my grandchildren will ask my twins – "Mommy, what was a Democrat?"