i'm changing, but for the worse

by embarrassed 24 Replies latest jw experiences

  • embarrassed

    When i was a jw I really valued telling the truth and being an honest person. Even if I paid a heavy consequence later, I did my best to tell the truth as often as possible. I was very proud of my honesty and my truthfulness. My integrity as a person and as a jw was very important to me.

    But over time, I have changed as a person, and I believe it has been for the worse. When I was done with the religion, I tried to hold onto my integrity, I tried to hold onto being an honest and truthful person, but I got tired of paying heavy consequences for them. I started to see the value in lying, and now I do it wayyyyy more than I should be comfortable with. And I have been doing it sooooo much lately with the person my bf.

    Today I confessed to lying to my boyfriend about something I let snowball into a series of lies for no reason. In the beginning I was truthful often, but I didn't see any benefits from it. in my naivete, I told the truth all of the time. But I was still slammed because he didn't believe me. I confessed today about the lie I told yesterday, knowing that it would be held against me later as almost all of my mistakes are, because I thought that if I confessed he would see that I am not a liar. Don't ask me how that makes sense. I was trying to show him my heart, be real, be genuine. I was going to get caught in the lie, true, but that's not why I confessed. I confessed because I was embarassed about my lying for no reason, and I was ashamed.

    I'm conflicted. I want to be a good person, but I'm losing my way. I want to blame my bf for why I've become this way. But in my heart, I know that I am no longer an honest and truthful person. At least, not with him. I've seen him lie so many times, I've seen him cover up his behavior that I feel I have the right to do the same thing too. Isn't that funny, how that works? My reasoning has become where I think, if someone else can do bad and doesn't care what I think, then why can't I do bad and disregard what he says? That is the truth-- that's really how I think now. My ex lies, my bf lies, and they don't really care what I think about their lies and cover-ups or how it affects me. So why should I tell the truth? I am angry in my heart, and I am also very sad. Just look at the person I've become.

    I have damaged the relationship in a major way by confessing. Now he believes the truths I told him in the beginning of the relationship are lies. (He always thought they were lies, and I always fought against his characterization of me as a Iiar. Now he can call me that with impunity bc I confessed.) I should not have lied about this stupid thing in the first place, I should not have let it snowball. I should not have confessed.

    I'm lost.

  • KateWild

    Welcome....embarrassed xx

    I can see you now regret lying. It seems like you need to make a fresh start. If your bf forgives you then you can make a fresh start with him.

    I don't feel my telling the truth and being honest has led to consequences. But also I believe not everyone is entitled to know the answers to all the questions they address to you. Some need to build trust.

    We all are entitled to an element of privacy.

    Try and have some balance and don't deceive people unnecessarily.

    Take care

    Kate xx

  • Giordano

    You've allowed your boyfriend to change you into a different kind of person now your him instead of you.

    This happens in relationships when one person is toxic in some way. You either fight about the problem, ignore it, or begin sharing the problem.

    It appears to me from what you said that you seem attracted to people who lie.

  • freemindfade
    You said when you were a witness you valued telling the truth. Why should this change since you are not a witness? Its your value on truth that matters whether you are a witness or not. Rediscover that value.
  • mrquik
    I found myself in a similar situation. After I left, I began to lower my personal moral standards ever so slightly. I then realized that my standards were never the WBTS standards. I made an effort to keep what standards I had as a JW; not for them but for me. I want that to define me to the rest of the world by having class, being humble, showing loving kindness, being patient, honest & happy. (I'm keeping the tattoos though.)
  • Vidiot

    I'm... thinking a breakup is in the cards...

  • Simon

    Lying in and of itself doesn't make you a bad person - it depends who you lie to and why. Some likes can be to protect people or save them pain for instance.

    It's a skill like any other and needs practice, LOL

  • Vidiot

    Simon's right.

    I lie all the time.

    In fact, I'm lying right now.

  • freemindfade

    I agree with Simon, as John Stewart said at the close of his show, Bullsh-t is everywhere, but not all of it is bad.

    Like when someone shows you their ugly baby and you are like "oh its so cute!"

  • stuckinarut2

    As the four leading brothers who were brought before the Royal Commission clearly showed, "stretching the truth" is perfectly ok!

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