What to say? Death of an adult child.

jwundubbed

My father married B when both her children and his children were grown adults. B had two children, a son D and a daughter M. My sister DB, my brother RH, and myself got along well with M but not at all with D, who was a very Christian person but not a JW.

My siblings and I do not have much to do with our stepmother though we are civil and we don't have any hard feelings between us. She just isn't someone we are particularly compatible with. We are distant relations and we live in different parts of the country. My dad and stepmom and all her kids and grandkids live in Pennsylvania. My siblings and I live in Missouri.

In the last week D was diagnosed with Covid and admitted to the hospital. It happened so fast but he died just a day ago. My father and stepmother were unable to be in the room with him because they are high-risk people. D's children and wife were able to be in the room but had to wear hazmat suits. My stepmother was able to watch on video and talk through an audio link. I know that losing a child is hard no matter the age of life or how it happens but I think it must have been even harder for B to be unable to be by his side.

I'm sending a sympathy card. I know the basics of what to say and that nothing will help, but I'd like to do my best not to say the wrong thing. I grew up as a JW and sometimes my instincts are incorrect in social situations.

So my question is this... to anyone who has lost a child was there anything that was said that helped you feel better? Was there anything that was said that was particularly hurtful? Do you have any advice for offering support at such a time?

ShotWhileTryingToEscape

We lost a baby through miscarriage. Nothing anyone said helped if they went beyond “ I am so sorry.” And people did say things that hit wrong. Yet if a person who said nothing at all made my loss insignificant. And surely people are often at a loss to say anything— just as you are now.

No platitudes, no scriptures, no “It’s for the best.” helped. But acknowledging my grief meant a lot.

Years later a close friend lost her 18 year old son when the driver flipped the car in which her son was a passenger. She was devastated. I told her l didn’t have any wise words for her. Just that I was just so sorry.

She still shares moments of grief that wash over her from time to time. She is the one who needs to say something. I just need to hear her.

Just send a simple acknowledgment in your own words, friend.

3rdgen

Jwundubbed,

Unfortunatunately, my firstborn and only son died from an accident when he was 21 years old. This was in 2004.

What NOT to say:

I know how you feel.

Is there anything I can do? Too general and sounds insincere.

It's much better to ask a specific. Like "Would you like a visit? Would you like a shoulder to cry on? Can I bring you dinner? Would you like some help with the housework?

DO NOT point out his "Resurrection Hope" or he's in heaven now etc. The survivors are in excruciating PAIN. Possibly ANGER They have THEIR OWN thoughts about where their loved one is. Don't insult them by offering platitudes.

DON'T say "At least he's not suffering." Well DUH (Not helpful.)

Don't say I'll pray for you. Who cares? It's bullshit to the person in grief.

DO NOT compare their loss with one of yours. It's not a misery competition.

DO:

Remember and mention things you liked about the deceased especially if you were close. If not, don't pretend.

Keep in touch and offer your e-mail and or phone # if they would like to reach you.

Say "I'm so sorry for your loss" I want to help in any way I can.

Share pictures if you have any.

Share stories about the person. Don't be afraid of embarrassing or funny stories

Write or share a brief poem.

These come to mind now. I'll share more if I think of any.

jhine

I lost son aged 25 to cancer . I would totally agree with all of the above. To say nothing is worse. I would have people avoid me in the street because they just couldn't talk to me . I kinda got that but if they had just said " l am so sorry " that would have been ok .

Yes sometimes people said things that weren't helpful but l knew that they meant well and wanted to give comfort . That was ok

What l would add is that sometimes people want to be left alone . I remember sitting in the cemetery where my son was buried a couple of days after the funeral . I was sobbing and a lady who lived over the road from the cemetery saw me and came over. She sat down next to me and said something . I replied that l would like to be alone . I don't know what she thought would happen if she left me alone but she didn't go . I felt that because l was obviously worrying her l had to try and stop crying , say that l was alright and go home . Now her actions were really kind , but l just wanted some space to grieve in my way , on my own .

Jan

Brock Talon

The above is wonderful advice. I lost two children myself, twins. Shortly after birth. Born premature and their little lungs did not hold out and the NICU could not save them.

Anyone who is a friend of someone who loses a child and that friend says nothing, is not a friend. Saying nothing completely ignores a person's grief during what is probably the worst time of their life. Yes, it is awkward for you, but so what? Friends work through the awkward times because that's what friends do. If you can't be there for someone during their worst time, then you are not really a friend.

That said, you don't have to say a lot. In fact, the less said, the less likely you are to say something that the one in grief could take wrong. How about "I am so sorry for your loss. I am here for you." Give them a hug. Weep with them if you feel it.

One of my better friends did just that with me. He hugged me and we cried together. That is all I needed at that time. After awhile I could talk about it, but not when it was fresh. Other friends did similarly. To this day I love those people even more than I did before my loss. And I would do anything for them.

3rdgen

jhine, You have my deepest empathy. (((HUGS)))) How are you doing these days?

Hubby and I were active believing JWs at the time my son died. While I realized JWs are particularly ignorant about boundaries, still I was surprised at the stupidity of some of the comments and actions of "the friends".

The award for the most insensitive comment goes to:

Hubbys Aunt, who said in her card "You will need to get back into field service right away so that you make sure you will be there to see him again in paradise"

The award for most intrusive action EVER goes to:

My son's friend and his quasi JW father. Instead of leaving it up to ME to inform my son's DFed father THEY called him up and told him about the accident and implied we were keeping the death from him.

All hell broke loose and so that awful night I had to suffer the verbal abuse of my ex on top of my unbearable grief.

At least, this and much more helped hubby and me wake up.

jhine

3rdGen thank you for your post. I should have said that he has been gone 20 years now so l have gone through all the stages of grieving and am able to get on with life . Of course l think of him all the time but with slightly less sadness now . The hardest bit is seeing his contemporaries married and with children and l do wonder how his life would have worked out .

How are you ? At least l didn't have to cope with such insensitivity .

Jan

3rdgen

Yes, jhine, I feel very similar to you. It has been 16 years for me. I think of my son every day but usually with a smile. However, every year the dates of his birth and death are still full of sorrow and I'm a blubbering mess.

After 13 years of infertility, I miscarried twins. Horrible! Soon though, I gave birth to my healthy son, then a daughter. I can attest that the longer the child is with you the more there is to miss.

I do find a lot to be grateful for though

#1 Hubby and I learned TTATT and do not have any more FOG and are FINALLY (after 9 years) becoming ex exJW's. YEAH!

#2 After many difficult years I now have a great relationship with my daughter who is now happily married and they have a 2yo little boy. PRICELESS!

#3 13 years ago the ex passed away from drug abuse and is no longer causing us grief. KARMA?

jwundubbed

@ShotWhileTryingToEscape, @3rdgen, @jhine, @BrockTalon

I am sorry for your losses, but I'm grateful that you are willing to share your experiences. Thank you so much. It has been very helpful to me. I've never been able to have children so I can only imagine what that loss is like.

jhine

jwundubbed , sorry l only just saw this . I am sure that all of us hope that us sharing our experiences have helped you to have a better understanding of how to reach out to anyone who suffers the loss of a child , of any age .

Jan

What to say? Death of an adult child.

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