Dating dilema - help!

by FreeWilly 9 Replies latest social relationships

  • FreeWilly

    OK here's the deal.

    (Girl # 1) I've gone out with this one woman for the past couple of weeks - probably 5 times total. I have a great time as does she, but I really don't want a relationship right now. I want to be single and not get too dependant on anyone in particular. I would like to continue to go out with her but not necessarily exclusively or if it's going to cause her to get too attached and hurt her down the road.

    (Girl # 2) Also there is another girl I asked out to dinner. She is nice too. Again, I not interested in anything too deep right now, but I'd like to get to know her as well. So my dilema is...

    Should I tell Girl # 1 that I don't want anything serious so she if she discovers I have dated someone else it won't be a big deal? (keep in mind telling her could make it awkward between us thereafter)

    - or -

    Should I just do as I please and "cross that bridge when it I get to it" since we have only gone out a few times and there's no commitment implied at this stage? (she actually mentioned she was "commitment phobic" on our 2nd date but I'm a little worried about her getting attached despite this) Afterall I may not like #2 and would hate to blow it with #1 for nothing.


    Should I abandon the whole concept of casual dating and date only one person at a time ? (which is too much like a commitment for me) In my mind I wouldn't mind if I found out she went on another date.

    My neighbor is her best girl-friend so she will likely find out eventually if I dated someone else. My neighbor (her friend) also dates casually so I kinda think #1 would be OK with it too.

    OK Fire away

  • Been there
    Been there

    Free Willy,

    From what you say I would think that there would be no reason what so ever to need to tell #1 about #2. You have not agreed to commit in anyway (a few dates does not a commitment make). If casual dating is all you are doing then date away. Now I would think the waters would get alittle muddy if it is casual sex. Sex makes a bond even if not spoken. No need for the neighbour to know you are dating is there? Does she know all your comings and goings? How can you meet all the fish in the sea if you are in a fishbowl with just one? Date away. If you are asked by one or two be honest.

  • Robdar

    Free Willy,

    Most women are looking for an honest man. Do you know how rare those are to find? Date whomever you wish. No need to reveal your personal information unless asked. But when you are asked, be truthful. You will be surprised at how well a woman will respond to honesty. Chances are good, although not 100 percent, that you will be able to continue to date both women and others without too much flack.

    Oh, BTW, I hope that if you are having sex with either or both of them that you are using condoms. Not necessarily for birth control but for health reasons. No need to pass a disease on from one of the women to the other.


  • joannadandy

    You have to tell her now!!

    If she is a rational level-headed person, she will feel no threat in your dating girl #2 and will know she is free to do the same should she choose to.

    But if she feels she is the only one in your life, she may become more attached, think you are more serious than you really are, stop seeing other people, etc.

    It will destroy her, and any chance you have of a relationship later if you tell her "down the road"..."down the road" equals too late.

    You really should have told her your feelings about dating (i.e. not getting into anything serious) on the first date. It might be a little akward, but if she is ok with it, she won't be too flustered, and you'll move past the akwardness quickly.

  • xenawarrior

    Free Willy:

    I'm with Joanna on this one- be honest and open with both of them. You won't be revealing an personal information, you are simply being upfront about where you happen to be in life with regard to dating at the moment. And since you are out on a "date" it's a very relevant and appropriate subject.

    It's also respectful to both of them to know where you stand on this. Then everyone is "singing out of the same hymnal" so to speak. You say you have gone out with woman #1- 5 times in the last 2 week's time. Nothing wrong with that- shows that you enjoy each other's company. It is however, alot, as far as new relationships go and might give the incorrect impression of exclusivity that you are trying to avoid.

    IMO, talking to both of them is the right thing to do.

    Your freedom is great eh??? You can now experience things you wouldn't be able to if you were "in". Dating two women? OMG-call the elders!! Dating without a chaperone? OMG!!

    ENJOY Willy !!!! You are young and life is short !!!


  • LB

    I was never very clever with dating two at a time. Usually I'd just be quiet about it but then I'd be saying things that got me into trouble, such as who I saw what movie with. But that was during the stage when I was trying to be a nice guy and having trouble pulling it off.

    When I spent a few years as a scub bag and was very open about what I did it seemed, for some reason, to make me more attractive to women. Go figure.

    I suggest being honest about whatever you do.

  • Francois

    I think girl #1 has already told you what you want to tell her. It's hard to get more direct than committment phobic. She fears it. That was a direct message to you not to get so far into her that you want a committment. You can have a conversation with her about how much you agree with her about fearing committment and state your reasons why.

    Unless you make some sort of committment noises, I don't think that any woman has any right to assume you are seeing them alone. The women might not agree with that, but that's because women WANT to be able to make the assumption that you're so taken with them that anyone in their right mind would be seeing only them. It's got nothing to do with honesty; it's got to do with the difference in perceptions and expectations between men and women. Some women seem to think that if you don't spill your guts about your entire life, your current thinking and your predictions of your personal future out to ten years hence you're not being "honest." These type of women are, IMHO, just being nosy as hell and merely attempt to justify their prying into your personal life. Tell them nothing and if they want to assume, let 'em. If they get bent outta shape later when they discover they don't own you lock, stock and barrel, it's better to know that's how they're wired up NOW so that you can cross them off your list as the neurotic wastes of time that they are.


  • JH

    I would date only 1 girl at a time if I were you.

    Running after 2 at a time is , not a good idea.

    When I like a girl, I can't think of another. I am true blue

  • FreeWilly

    Well I have a whole range of opinions here. Thanks!

    OK, I think I'm gonna go with Robyn, Joanna, and Xena with a twist of LB. You girls sound reasonable, and LB seems to always be 'on the money'.

    I'll see # 1 this week. I'll let y'all know how it turns out. I just want to make sure she makes the right "assumptions" from the get go.

    JH, I'm not really trying to "Run two at once" I really don't want to get involved with anyone too heavily. I just think it would be nice to go out on the weekend with someone other than my buddies at work and meet new people. But if their not of the same opinion I guess i need to find out.

  • berylblue

    Please do tell her. Trust me on this one.


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