I'm going through a separation/divorce...

by anti-absolutism 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  anti-absolutism

  I got served with papers last Wednesday from my wife for a separation. It includes her wanting me to leave the house and is full of a lot of hooey. It should be interesting, but for the sake of discussion here, I was wondering if anyone has advice/experience in this area: What can I control as far as how much the kids are exposed to the witnesses?

  My wife and I were married in 1993, after being df'd in 1992 at the same time...(wink wink nudge nudge ) I never went back but eventually she did and she got reinstated about a year later. Now almost 10 years later she hates anything to do with religion and although she has tatoos and piercings, she was not df'd again.... she just drifted away.

  We have 4 children, the oldest being 8. A couple of months ago, (based on my memories when I was about the same age) I tried to speak to my wife about my oldest child going to meetings with her mom. In particular, I remember my oldest sister always saying we had to get our dad to start going back to meetings, since Armageddon could come at ANYTIME, and he would CERTAINLY die!!!

  So I asked my wife if it bothered her that Brandon is being or will be taught that 'mommy and daddy are going to die at Armageddon'? Even though she apparently HATES the JW religion she doesn't seem to understand the harm inflicted by them.

  Does anybody have any experience with how it will go when I go to court? Will I have a good chance of limiting or eliminating his going to meetings?

  Any help would be appreciated. Brad
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  DJ

  Sorry Brad,

  The only thing that comes to mind is for you to have visitation on Sundays.......that way you can take them to church or whatever. You are the daddy! Four kids, wow.....how sad that it isn't working out. I wish you all much happiness and hope that you stay close to your babies. I do think that a judge would like to have you bring your kids to church. It's something that you should discuss with your attorney. Don't let these little ones be harmed by the wt. It's your responsibilty since it seems that their mom is a very mixed up person right now. Take care. Dj
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  LB

  I can't imagine having a court restrict a childs participation in a religion. I suggest you spend some of your time with the children teaching them what you believe. Maybe some participation in sports such as soccer. Things that JW's don't allow.

  Just don't badmouth mom in front of the kids. That's the one thing that will never work. Badmouth her here instead.
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  Jade

  My ex who is a JW and I share custody of our son. You can't control what happens during their time with the kids when it comes to religion. Make sure you get as much visitation with them so you can expose them to other things besides the JW's. By not badmouthing the religion or mom, your good example will go a long way to show your kids that you are the one that is balanced.

  I only ask my son alot of questions when it comes to the JW religion. Things like....is that resonable? Do you think it's ok for a religion to split up families? I have lots of friends over when he's home and he has come to realize that "worldly people" treat others better than the witnesses do.

  I wish you well.

  Jade
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  CoonDawg

  Okay...first off. Find a lawyer with a reputation as a shark in family law. Go into the thing understanding that THERE ARE NO NICE GUYS IN A DIVORCE! If you haven't already, make sure you separate your finances. It will make things easier. Speak to your attorney about your concerns, but realize that many times, to bring religion into the mix in court is a waste of energy and many times only serves to piss a judge off. I would recommend to settle for nothing less than joint legal custody and possibly even split custody, if you are going to live nearby. Please get the message....Don't go into it trying to be "nice".

  Hope that helps a bit...

  Oh, and also as has been mentioned...don't be negative about their mom in front of them.

  Coon
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  anti-absolutism

  Thanks for the comments. One thing that I wanted to point out is that MY WIFE doesn't take the kids to the meetings... only the kids grandmother, her mother. Would that make it any different? Can I stop her mother, their grandmother from taking them?

  The fact is that her mother told my wife years ago, (and stuck to it) that she would do nothing to help her daughter if I also benefitted. Besides each of us not getting along perfectly, it seems that that form of abuse from her mother eventually broke her down.

  I had a friend who went through a divorce and he said that there is actually a term (which I can't remember right now) that is acknowledged by the courts, regarding when a wife never leaves the CONTROL of her mother and it damages the relationship.

  Do you think that if I can convince the courts of this (and I have lots of evidence that I think will) that they may grant my wishes to not allow her mother to take them? If I can't, I will certainly continue to do as some of you here have suggested and expose them to the other, more open-minded world outside of JWism.

  My eight year old son is already getting out of sports, thanks in great part I believe, to the JW 'anti-sports' influence of his grandmother.

  Another thing is that my wife allows my eight year old to stay over at her mothers about 5-6 nights a week right now and has for about three months. I have, of course, voiced my discontent. My wife has given my feelings on that matter no concern and has even made huge scenes in front of my 8-year old about it. To save him any extra hardship I have let it slide for now.

  I REALLY feel a very strong need to get him out of that situation. What the hell do I do?

  Brad
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  Scully

  Brad:

  e-mail me. I have some information that you might find interesting and helpful.

  scullyxjw(nospam)@aol.com remove the (nospam) first

  Love, Scully
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  Francois

  I think most of your concern hinges on who has custody. If your wife has custody and wants to join a cult that includes fire walking as one of its tenents, then there's not much you can do.

  You might be able to get custody based on the JWs stated policy against higher education, against military service, against voting and all else that makes them wlll off the beaten path. Joint custody will likely appear to the judge as opening the door for you two to be in front of him all the time trying to iron out one sort of argument or another; and that's not something a judge wants to do.

  The absolute livin' end best thing you can do is to get sole custody based on the fact that your wife is unfit. And that's hard to do. Very hard. The domestic law in this country languishes somwhere around 1935 in most states. Your last best hope is to have the children come to live with you when they reach the age at which they can make that decision, usually around the age of 14.

  best,

  francois