Aching

by joelbear 19 Replies latest jw friends

  • joelbear
    joelbear

    This is a new thread on the same subjects as LDH's

    I am having a hard time myself these days. My self esteem is zero. I carry so much guilt that I can't let go of. I could tell you story after story of my family life and my witness life that have all contributed to the state I am in now. I just can't seem to shake myself loose of it.

    I was a straight A high school student, but in the 70s this was actually a matter of reproach in my family, in the congregation and among my friends, all of whom quit school and got their GED's. I tried to so hard to be accepted by my family and friends, but never was, even though internally I was fighting against my own homosexual nature to keep them happy. Indeed, an impossible task on both counts.

    Everything that I am, smart, silly, outgoing, etc. was not valued by my family and friends. Now, I am so injured I wonder if I will ever be able to live a happy life.

    I have decided not to have any contact with my witness family from now on. The hypocrisy of their lives combined with the enormous guilt they lay on me has taken too heavy a toll on me. Its over, I am disfellowshipping them out of my life for good this time.

    I really hope that we can keep this board as a supportive place for recovering witnesses. I wish everyone would just ignore those that come here to taunt us so they will just go away and leave us in peace to help each other rebuild.

    I wish you all peace

    hugs

    Joel

  • ShaunaC
    ShaunaC

    JoelBear.....I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling down! {{{{{{big hug}}}}}}

    I unfortunately understand the feelings of guilt. It's strange that I know it's not guilt from my present course in life. I have no regrets whatsoever about leaving the WT. It is and will continue to be the best thing I've ever done in my life. What the guilt stems from is knowing that I have added (although not caused) to the rift in my family relationships. I endlessly tumble back & forth between feeling bad that I let them down and then to the feeling that it's their fault for ending our relationship because they have a stronger love for a manmade organization than their own daughter!

    As with everything regarding the recovery process from the WT, it's a rollercoaster of emotions. I hope you can remember that you're just in a low dip right now.....but soon you will be feeling the exhiliration of life once more as you go over that big hump with your hands up screaming in joy! You know, my favorite part of a good rollercoaster are the loops. It the perfect balance of up then down. I liken it to those moments when we are both depressed and at the same time strangely find strength. Those are the moments when we really learn from the experience....we learn more about ourselves and others.

    I hope you are able to get out of your slump soon, JoelBear. I need you to so when I'm in mine you'll be there to pep me up!

    I'm sending cheery, happy thoughts your way!
    Shauna

  • openminded
    openminded

    Just so you know Joel; I used to be the sort who was quick to laugh or discriminate against "homo's"(remember I was raised JW). But because of your intelligent, thought provoking posts(and those of a few others), I have really changed the way I view others. Just the little I read from you, I can tell you have a lot going on upstairs. Your a talented guy. Please do not underestimate the contribution your making to the people you come into contact with.

  • anglise
    anglise

    Hi there Joelbearer,

    Its horrible when you feel down, but try not to let the org ruin the rest of your life.
    You have got free. Try to keep loving those of your family who are still enslaved. Its hard to do but will make you feel better even if that love isnt returned at the moment.
    I am sure that you have others in your new life who respect you for who and what you are, build on that and then I am sure that the down times will happen less often and with less intensity.
    Remember you are not on your own with a DB like this.
    Write it down. People here do care and lots are going through similar situations to you.
    When you are feeling good your posts to others have been encouraging now let others help you.

    Take Care now.

  • battman
    battman

    Yes JB
    you are a good person. You have a very good
    wirting style and I do love your humor.
    I always check for your posts as your perspective
    is enlightening. I need to take a moment a check
    out you web site. Esp. the nude part.

    There several nude beaches in FL and I have been
    several times. What a hoot for sure.

    I will be thinking of you my dear good funny buddy.

    Battman
    of the "wanna be nude" class

    send me an email at 11:00 am thursday
    battman@batteryweb.com

  • openminded
    openminded

    It must be nice to have a family that validates our passions and accomplishments. Mine sure never did. Now I am set to graduate from college despite the setbacks I feel they gave me. I am a talented athlete. Growing up a Jdub you can imagine how my childhood was. The football team walked in front of my house everyday on their way to practice. Now at 28 I will be finishing college completly on my own.

    Question-They asked to be invited to my commencement ceremony. Should I invite them? I dont think they deserve to play the "proud parents in the audience" role, when they were really nothing but an obstacle to my accomplishments.

  • RedhorseWoman
    RedhorseWoman

    JB, I can empathize with your feelings....I've been there myself. It does get better....really it does. ***HUGS****

  • battman
    battman

    Hi Open,
    i would say kill 'em with kindness that is.

    I probably would not have the courage to do that,
    but the fact they asked to be invited showed
    real fortitude on their part. Maybe this is the
    start of their 'doubting/moving away process".

    What a fine witness (lol) you could make to them
    not to harbour malice, or at least to keep it well
    hidden. That will be the hard part.

    Congratulations on your accomplishments and
    try not to look back. Something I work on every
    day.

    love conquers so very much

  • Esmeralda
    Esmeralda

    ((((((((((((HUGS JOEL))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    I'm so sorry you're feeling badly lately. I have to admit I'm having quite a week myself.

    I nearly started a thread called "ENOUGH!" today...enough meaning my kid is cranky
    and sick, my MS is showing itself in full color this week, no good news
    on the job front for my husband yet... I just found out that two friends and several aquaintances
    are seriously ill, one nearly dying in ICU last week:
    my sister's best friend just lost her sister to cancer,..... I could go on, believe me, but no one would believe the list I've aquired in the last few weeks.

    ENOUGH!!! I've had all I can take right now and am ready for some good news, folks!

    I've been having recurring nightmares about my JW family this week, after a long time of
    not having them. I'm tired, I'm burned out, just fried. I want to get in bed and pull the covers
    up over my head and wake up when things are on the upswing.

    A luxury I don't have, though. In the immortal words of Iyanla VanZant, "No tacky drama!"

    I cannot afford to pity myself on top of all the real stuff that's going on in my life and the lives
    of my friends. So many people I love have it far worse right now. (Not that I'm saying that's what
    you're doing...no no, I'm talking about me. You have every right to feel that ache after
    all you've been through!)

    So I got up this morning and meditated and did some yoga and things were better for a few
    hours. Then it started all again.

    So Joel, my sweet, you are in good company today. Sometimes all you can do is to have a
    cry and then make a list of the things that are good...I know that is what I'm going to make
    myself do later.

    I will put "Knowing someone as kind and sweet as Joel" to that list today. I'm sorry that
    your family isn't there for you, I know that pain, I know the pain of not being accepted
    for who you are. Wish I could give you a big ol' hug in person, Joelbear but all I can
    do is tell you darlin', I hear you and I understand.

    Hang in there, we have to rebuild our lives or else...the Tower has won, haven't they? And
    that I couldn't stand.

    I just keep putting another stone on the pile...one at a time...even when I don't feel like it
    and just want to take a sledge hammer to the whole mess.

    You are a person of worth...of feeling and sensitivity...of passionate disposition and
    the capacity for great emotion...and I don't even know you that well. If I think so
    highly of you just based on your posts...what would I think if I really got to know you
    better? :)

    *huge hug*
    Love,
    Es

    p.s. hope this makes sense...like I said my MS is ruling my brain today and I am given to the
    strongest mood swings on days like this...

    The Four Agreements:
    Be Impeccable With Your Word
    Don't Take Anything Personally
    Don't Make Assumptions
    Always Do Your Best

  • emyrose
    emyrose

    Hi Joelbear,
    I feel for you. I've also had a lousy family that
    has caused me much pain. I hated them for many years. But then I just said to myself, f..it,I'm not going to let them ruin my live anymore. I decided to love them again and feel compassion for them. I say feel because when I see them they always get on my nerves and I end up being nasty to them. Part of me is still disgusted w/ them, but hey so what. Live and let live. You need to concentrate
    on yourself now, not narrowing your existence to being a son. Work on
    being whatever other roles you have or want in life. Life must be hard
    enough being gay, so don't let your family turn you into miserable soul. Don't let them stop you from loving them, cause it sounds like you still do. Also don't let ignorant and dogmatic views about homosexuality and God prevent you from praying if that's what you
    want to do. I believe God loves us all, no matter what, even JWs.
    Wishing you happiness, Emyrose

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