Why I had no choice..and why it's not any easier.

by LDH 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • ShaunaC

    Lisa, girl, I'm so sorry you're hurting! I, along with everyone here, know how you feel in some degree or another. My pain did not fully start right away either. It was almost a year and a half before I began to see signs that I was losing it (the uncontrollable crying for hours on end every couple of weeks was a dead give away!) I personally know of others who are still feeling the effects after 15 years because they never dealt with it in the beginning.

    But we are dealing with it! And everyone here is ready and willing to help us deal with it. We are well on our way to a recovery! I know it's painful to think of all we've lost, much of which can never be regained. But please draw some comfort by looking at Eden and thinking about the happy, balanced life she will have because of you. You did the greatest thing a parent could do for their child....you are guiding her to a healthy, happy, fulfilled life. You are the parent that your parents, that my parents, are not! What greater honor could you have. I'm so proud of you and am so appreciative that I can call you a friend!

    Hang in there girl! Things will get better! I left a message on your cell yesterday. I hope we can get together soon!

    Love ya! Keep that chin up!

  • goo

    thank you ldh that was a very moving post. i really feel for you. i can only speak for myself because i know everyones situation is unique, and this may not be quite related exactly to what you are saying, but thinking back to when i was at that crying for hours on end stage, (crying over such a shame - all the wasted years, there's no shame in crying - it felt good in a way to get the grief out) - i think it had a lot to do with the profound heartbreaking disappointment that my decision to become a jw had been a wrong one, a wrong one for me anyway, the crying and depression days, weeks, months, maybe even years on end, i could stand in the noonday sun and all i'd see was darkness, but it was like a part of me telling me it couldn't stand to suppress the internal conflicts of being a jw any longer, that i couldn't go on denying a part of myself any longer, the part of me that was refusing to die, needed it's worth acknowledged, that's what it came to for that voice to be finally heard, recognized and with the begininng of an appreciation of it's worth - listened to. goo.

  • Esmeralda

    Kristen...*HUGS* I am so going to answer your mail soon. I promise, promise. I
    just wanted to make sure I do it justice. *HUGS*!

    Thirdson, you said: Thankfully, I was able to marry into a normal family, where religion and judging others is not
    the prime motivator/goal/reason-for-living."

    Me too! Thank goodness. My husband's family is religiously varied and its such a relief...
    I know its why they were willing to accept me and the JW craziness that comes with my parents...

    LDH...a warm hello back at you. You insprire me to keep going forward as I try to give
    my child the youth I didn't have. Your daughter is a lucky girl. I know I wouldn't want mine
    to have to live the hellish existence I did of trying to be the perfect JW child!

    *hugs* to all

    The Four Agreements:
    Be Impeccable With Your Word
    Don't Take Anything Personally
    Don't Make Assumptions
    Always Do Your Best

  • zev
    I just wanted to share this with you all as I watch others like Zev (?)try to extract themselves from this vicious painful web, and I want to tell them, it isn't painless. It hurts like hell. Try to extricate yourself quickly so you can live your life. The sooner the better. I know how you feel.

    Thank you lisa. It isn't easy sitting throught those boring meetings, and listening to the stuff thats shovelled {sp} out to the r&f, knowing what i now know. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and i will do the best that i can, as soon as possible. I already know it isn't going to be easy. Keeping my BIG yapper shut is the biggest problem. So much I'd love to share, and can't, even with my wife, because she isn't ready to accept these facts yet, as she is still under their influence. I have a timetable set in my mind, and I hope by the end of the year to extract myself from this lie I am living. What else is there to call it? Already the elders want to make a sheaparding call on me. Again, I'll try to keep my mouth shut. Cuz you know what will happen if i don't. I want to go on my terms, not theirs.

    Thanks again Lisa...

    Sitting on the Wrong Side of the Fence Class

  • LDH

    Really great comments, you guys. How anyone could call people who are just trying to make their way through this life 'apostates' and cast judgement, is beyond me.

    Yeah, I know I'm on pregnancy hormones and on an emotional rollercoaster, but to be quite honest, 'it ain't over.'

    My daughter is 11; for at least the next 6 or 7 years I'll have to watch her doing all the things we were denied:

    After School Activities

    and the list just goes on and on.

    Sometimes I think, it is better for my parents to live in their self induced delusion. I don't think they could take the pain they'd face if they admitted they let a bunch of wrinkled ass old men with no family tell them how to raise theirs.

    Goo, ha ha, my one salvation: I didn't choose--I was born into this crap.

  • LDH

    Claudia, didn't mean to ignore your question.

    My OB has me on Tylenol with Codeine which I take AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.

    The only other thing I can do is continue to drink liquids, a well-hydrated body has higher blood pressure.

    I will have to wait it out. I had it for a month and a half with Eden.

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    Hi LDH,

    Your Steve is a smart guy. But you know that.

    I started looking around on this board yeasterday, so I haven't had the pleasure of reading any of your posts before.

    I suspect that you and are are of the same JW generation. I got started when my Mom began dragging me to meetings in 1958. I'm a guy, but I know what you went through. I feel that there is a truely GREAT crowd of people like you and I who have survived the Witnesses. Yes, we're battered, tattered and torn, but we're still here. Do you apreciate how much the WTB&TS >hates< that fact?

    I hope you're feeling much better soon.

    With true human empathy and love, not the stupid "greek interlinear" pigeonhole nonsense,

    - Nathan

  • think41self

    Hi LDH and all who posted:

    I can relate to so much of what you're saying. I know that I lost my childhood, but I am just SO thankful that I woke up and found my freedom in time for it to benefit my kids. After denying them a normal life, I began to leave the borg when they were 11 and 13. First thing I did was sign my 11 year old son up for Little League Baseball. I went with trepidation to the first practice, looking around to see if there was anyone I knew, a little uncomfortable in this "new" social situation.

    I had the best time at those games! Perfect summer evenings, little kids running around just having fun. "Worldly" adults freely giving of their time and energies to help the next generation learn some lessons and have fun. And my son just blossomed from having this freedom:) That was the true beginning of my eyes coming fully open. To realize that this pleasant and harmless thing was denied FOR NO GOOD REASON!

    So while it IS a painful process, I am gladly making that sacrifice now so that my kids won't ever have to! I'm sure you feel the same way.

    And Zev.....my heart goes out to you buddy:) It takes an incredible amount of strength to do what you're doing. We all make the move when we're ready for it. Only you know your circumstances. Just one word of advice, if I may? Whenever you have something painful to do, you have 2 choices, have the pain now and begin to move on and recover, or endure the situation longer and STILL have the pain, only later. If you're trying to go quietly into that night, then you have my best wishes, and I hope it works:)


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