Dr. Laura's Devoted Fan - posted by Patio

by waiting 4 Replies latest social humour

  • waiting

    Hey y'all,

    This joke comes to me by way of my fine sister, Patio (a prime poster here I might add) who is older than me by three years, smarter, more articulate, but lacking in sufficient sarcasm. She is really my sister and I have the childhood battle scars to prove it. I always add that she's older than me because that's the only thing I have the jump on her. One tough woman.

    Dear Dr. Laura,

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

    a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

    f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

    g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

    h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

    i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

  • Simon

    lol, nice one !

  • patio34

    Hey Waiting! Thanks for posting that for me! Saved me a lot of typing.

    AND for all your nice compliments, with the exception of the age thing! But you are far too modest--I can't keep up with your posting, etc.


  • MuzicmanCa

    Thank you thank you thank you.....

    That was great...gotta forward it!!!


  • BugEye

    Dear Dr Laura

    In the book of proverbs, it states that I must find my wifes breasts intoxicating,
    however I find that there is insufficient alchohol in my house for this to occur.
    Does this give me grounds to exchange her? And should I ask for a personal
    closeup preview of the breasts of her replacement before I commit?


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