Here is a brief outline I have prepared for the Brothers (not Brotherettes) who will be handling the symposium at our International Conventions entitled "Dangers Of The Internet : Do Not Be Misled By Those Naughty, Naughty Apostates":
Part One - Getting To Know The Enemy's Territory
Ever since Alan Turing developed his theory of the Computational Engine, things have been looking dark for all Witnesses of Jehover on the electronic information frontier. After the creation and extensive dispersal of those demonic "modem" thingamajigs, virtually every Governing Body member goes to his posh bed at night with a fear of the Internet in his heart, and a colostomy bag at his side in some cases.
Brothers should know what the Enemy looks like. Although "other" religious groups, such as the Catholics, have strange ideas about the look and feel of the Devil, we are quite certain that we know exactly how He looks. He takes on the appearance of an Angel of Light, much like when you take too many Shrooms and stare at a light bulb, only worse, because the Devil can be transmitted over telephone and DSL lines with ease.
What does this mean to the average Brother and Brotherette? Our next speaker will deal with this topic.
Part Two - Understanding Apostates
Many strongly disillusioned Brothers and Brotherettes who have left the Organization can be found on the Internet, in those abysmal fonts of evil known as "Discussion Boards". On these boards, actual, non-Governing-Body-approved discussion is allowed to take place. The Governing Body has warned us time and time again not to converse with Apostates, for they are Free, and we don't want to be Free. In fact, we want to "adjust our thinking" in order to think like all of the more enthusiastic Dubs. This is the functional equivalent of not thinking at all.
One should never discuss any of the following topics with anyone that you do not share chromosomes with and/or know from infancy (and who is in the Truth):
1. The Blood Doctrine (or lack thereof, if recent rumours are to be believed)
2. The Disfellowshipping Practice, esp. WRT Child Molestation.
3. Bill Bowen
4. Silent Lambs.
6. "Freedom" in General.
7. Repeated Cock-Ups in Tower Literature, Racism, and Darn Stupid Literary Screwups.
Another important thing to watch out for are the innocent-looking sites that "Quote" information from our publications. Even though we can verify that none of this information has been changed, it is still infringing our copyright, not to mention embarassing the living **** out of us to see all this old stuff dredged up. As the light gets brighter, so the literature becomes more obsolete. The Watchtower is almost like a software company - we don't want you to use older versions of what we publish, only the new stuff. A new Witness Service Pack (WSP3) will be released at a forthcoming Convention to alleviate this problem!
Part 3 - Demonized, Witness-Only, Star-Trek Themed Sites
Due to the very serious and extensive nature of this demonization of the Internet, the Governing Body has decided to devote an entire symposium section to this topic.
It has come to our attention by means of Bethel Internet Moles (there is a very high turn-over rate for these moles - they tend to leave the Truth rapidly after we set them to work plowing through Dub websites, for some strange reason!) that some Witnesses have set up a Discussion Board called "JW Zone".
On this "JW Zone" web page, Brothers and Brotherettes are mixing intimately, according to our reports. Besides the fact that this is forbidden, we hate this site for two other important reasons:
1. There is no way for us to exert ministerial authority, doctrine, legislation, and CONTROL over the people on this site. Hell, they might as well be FREE to do what they want, and we can't have that, can we? Besides, when they are on this site, they are only a click and a URL away from finding out all our dirty secrets, and that is AGAINST THE RULES!
2. Star Trek Theme. Previous publications have clumsily illustrated the horrific pitfalls of science fiction. For those of our Brothers who are listening who don't know what Science Fiction is, here is a brief explanation: Science Fiction is a form of Satanic Literature that takes the two most demonized forms of literature, firstly, Science Literature, and then Fictional Literature, and COMBINES them into one very Lucifer-approved whole. Taking a tip from this abominable "Sci-Fi", Star Trek was a television series developed to expunge and realize the ideals of this dreaded form of literature. It depicts a future where there are no Watchtower magazines and no Jehover, and is thus automagically placed on the banned viewing list.
Now, these Brothers have gone the whole length and incorporated the look and feel of this TV series into their website.
Thus, we have these two demonic factors playing up against each other like budgies at Armageddon, resulting in one of the most appalling Satanic things we can possibly imagine. Rumour has it that demons have materialized and are now actually posting on this site, and thus we COMMAND that all Brothers cease their activities on this site forthwith.
Thank you for listening. You may now "break" for lunch, if you can successfully unfold your paralysed legs.
[SYN], Wannabe Bethel Speech-Writer Class