OBSERVATIONS BY MY THERAPIST

by Far North 21 Replies latest jw friends

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  Far North

  My last therapy session was all about the "truth". After many sessions I finally brought up the thought that maybe some of my depression and low self-esteem issues have to do with spending 40 years in a high-control religion.

  I won't bore you with all the details but some of the highlights of what I said bothers me are:

  My never feeling like I am doing enough or are good enough.

  Having regrets about missed opportunities and having let others control my life.

  Constant changing of doctrine and dates. (Having the rug pulled out from under you).

  After explaining to her the option of disassociation and the shunning by friends and family that would follow, her comment was: "Those men (Elders) exercise a lot of power and control to hold such a threat over your head. No wonder your depressed!." She works for the hospital and is not a minister but she began to talk about the example of the prodical son and how God draws and forgives those who are searching and hurting. She asked me about God's love shown by sending his Son to die for us to save us through faith and not just works..

  I thought I was the one supposed to be sharing good news with others and not the other way around!

  I hate to admit it, but after 40 years in the truth I feel like I have no hope for salvation because I will never make the grade. I can never do enough to be "whole-souled". Everything I have done in the past is negated because of my present spiritually "sick" condition. Jehovah is an exacting God who has no problem destroying the majority of mankind, so what chance do I have? When people say Jesus came to die for us and Jehovah is a God of compassion and mercy I still don't think I have any chance to be one of the "spared ones.

  How did my perception get so screwed up? I have been a pioneer, and Elder and a Bethelite. I have sacrificed and obeyed (usually). What went wrong? Where is the joy and peace of mind? I'm not looking for sympathy, but is it just me? What did I miss along the way?

  I'm not looking for a bitch-session but some thought provoking comments from others who may have or are currently feeling similar. If i'm just a screw-up I can deal with that, but somewhere along the way something went wrong or I missed some signal that others claim to have seen.
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  Gopher

  Welcome to the board, Far North!

  The organization put a lot of demands on people like you and me, and offered a shallow empty feeling in return.

  Jesus said "my load is light". Jehovah's Witnesses say "you must take up a heavy load, and then you only might be saved".

  So it is not a "bitch session" to say we have been the victims of misinformation. Yes, a misinformation campaign by a large publishing corporation masquerading as a loving religion.

  Feelings only follow thoughts, and thoughts are based on the way we process the information we have. If we have inundated with bad information, then the thoughts that follow cannot be positive.

  So the blame (if we're looking for a place to put it) is not on you but on the faulty belief system that soaked through every thread of your consciousness for decades.

  Now that you're taking a long look at what happened, it will hopefully be clear that many of us have been where you are -- that guilt feeling about not ever being able to do enough to please men claiming to represent the same Jesus who said "my load is light". After you get the right information, the load on your mind should ease. And then better feelings should eventually displace the negative ones you've been suffering with lately.

  Just keep reading, keep an open mind, and remember that the Creator is not the harsh taskmaster he was made out to be, but the organization was the taskmaster.

  Hope to hear more from you in the future.
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  Satanus

  Talking to a therapist is a good step.

  I too suffered for years w that feeling of total worthlessness, and of course depression. At one point, i was ready to consider an alternate opinion on the wt society. I read ray franz' account of his experience in his book 'crisis of conscience'. His descriptions of the inside workings of the governing body totally changed my perspective about the whole thing. It lifted a huge load from me.

  SS
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  Makena1

  FarNorth - welcome and thanks for your post. I am sure we have a lot in common. I was raised a JW (3rd and 4th generation on mom's side), and left in 2000 after more than 40 years. Was a pioneer, MS and elder - visited Bethel on many occasions, but was never a Bethelite. We did the fade after our daughter died in 1998. Currently we are not D'fd or DA'd, but we are expecting one of those "cleaning house" visits.

  My wife would probably categorize herself as agnostic, and I would say I am a borderline agnostic. Believe there must be a higher power, but are not sure or dogmatic about anything spiritual. Organized religion is definitely on our avoid list. We have no immediate family that are still JW's, and have little or no contact with relatives or former JW friends. We have met a number of great folks here that post, and have found their association and experiences very helpful in our process of leaving.

  What you are going through has been discussed from many different points of view on this board. Using the search feature and doing some reading will be of some help.

  Also, we visited a couple of therapists over the past 5 years and found their advice very healing. I encourage you to continue doing so if you find it helpful.

  All best,

  Mak

  Edited by - Makena1 on 19 January 2003 14:57:13
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  Shakita

  Far North,

  I have similar feelings. I think it is very common for exjw's to go through this. We were all hammered for so long with the belief that no matter what we did in behalf of God, we still might not make it through Armageddon. We were constantly pounded with the notion that we were never doing enough. All of that guilt was not coming from God, but was coming from the Governing Body and the local elders.

  I am also seeing a therapist. I also related to her my Watchtower nightmare and the unnecessary guilt that accompanies being a JW. She related to me the story of the woman caught in adultery. The Jews wanted to stone her, but Jesus said: "He who is without sin cast the first stone." One by one all her accusers walked away. Finally Jesus asked her: "Where are your accusers?" Go and sin no more." (Or something like that) My therapist made the point that none of us are pure and that we are all on a journey that will never be completed in this life. Here, I was supposed to be the sharer of good news, but she was the one sharing the good news with me.

  As I share more and more of my story with my therapist I am stunned to see how much under mind control I was. The years of constant toiling to keep up with WT requirements sent me into a tailspin of depression and guilt. The constant grind wore me down and burned me out. This is not what Jesus required. His yolk is supposed to be kindly and his load light.

  We are both on the road to healing, but healing takes time. The longer we were exposed to WT dogma and indoctrination, the longer it will take us to heal. In time though, we will heal and be able to put the WT's mind control behind us.

  Mr. Shakita
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  LovesDubs

  I dont really follow the Bible any more, and I avoid organized religions like plague...but the bible does say that you cannot slave for two masters or you will surely underserve one while serving the other. In our case we were constantly fervently serving the watchtower society at the expense of our truth faith, our christianity and our love for God. THEY became our slave masters and the longer a person is in the longer they have been hammered with the idea that God and Org are the same word. You can get past this feeling. The less you are around the other slave masters, the less guilt you will feel. They dont have the corner on God, never did...never will. They represent all the things that Jesus himself detested in the Pharisees...putting the people back into slavery with their cockameemie laws and blocking people from following their spiritual paths. We cant undo the effect the Society has had on all of our lives, we can learn from it. Vow to ourselves never to allow any MAN to rule us again. :)
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  Introspection

  I have sacrificed and obeyed (usually). What went wrong?

  THAT's what went wrong! The obeying part is probably obvious, but sacrifice is a bit more subtle. We usually think of self sacrifice as a virtue, but not if what you are sacrificing amounts to selling your soul, and I'm afraid that about sums up the JW experience, as is the case with many religions.

  Self sacrifice is really a pretty simple thing actually, it means you have no more sense of self. If you have no more sense of self, there is no more desire to save the self, because what are you going to save?? This is true selflessness, not that psychologically programmed nonsense which inflicts its own agenda upon others because you become so arrogant as to think your religion has all the answers. Now, I don't mention this to sell it in any sense, but it's useful to see it clearly for what it is. In my book there is nothing wrong at all with someone who hasn't attained this kind of selflessness or even if you don't want to, heck most people are in that boat. You see, even if you have the noble intention to be like that, that is only a projection of the mind. The desire to become this selfless saint is just one more thing to hold on to, but that is just more bondage to the mind. This kind of selflessness simply comes out of not holding on anymore, because to have a sense of self you have to hold on to something. This is where the joy and peace of mind comes from, because then you are free.
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  LeslieV

  First Far North..welcome to the board. I don't feel like I can offer any more advice other than to say the the JW religion is all about power and control. Even though you had many powerful positions decisions, ideas, thoughts have all been programmed into you. Give yourself some time...you will eventually be able to see through alot of the control.

  The JW religion really is not at all supportive of its people. They talk so much about whole-souled ministry..Look at that for a minute..what in the world does that mean??? Other than the fact you will never live up to what their standards are. There is so much negativity surrounding their beliefs that a truly loving person gets swallowed up in it all. Obviously, Far North you really loved to worship. Unfortunately they took that love and made you feel unworthy of it. Going to a good therapist is very beneficial. Coming to this board in conjunction with counseling is very theraputic. Glad to have you.

  Leslie
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  ESTEE

  (((((Far North)))))

  Welcome to the forum!!

  I too, have spent a good maaaaaaany sessions of therapy dealing with jw issues. Don't beat yourself up because it is taking time to come to terms with all of it. It took years and years of indoctrination to get to the point you found yourself at. It will take time to de-program and re-program yourself, as well.

  My sense is that a therapist will help us find a healthier path. The walk is still ours and it will be a long one, and there will be challenges along the way. At least now you are choosing your path. It is a self-directed path, rather than a path that was chosen FOR you. You will walk at your own pace now. You may stop and look at the scenery along the way now. You may ask questions now. You will do what feels healthy for you.

  For me, this forum feels like a healthy place to start. . .

  By the way, my email is open if you want to talk, I'm also on MSN Messenger. . .

  Love,

  ESTEE
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  Carmel

  Welcome Far North! fortunately I only suffered 14 years of "thought control" and it left me with scars that have gradually faded over the years since I left. You are entering a period of growth, liberation and maturity if you take responsibility for your own spirituality rather than leaving it in the hands of those who wish to keep you in harness physically, socially and psychologically in the name of spirituality. Let me assure you that the effort you put into shaking the effects of this horrendous experiance will reap dividends of undrempt of happiness and liberty. Hope you stay around and become part of this electronic family.

  carmel