Should I tell her?

by Nosferatu 10 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Nosferatu

  Well, I really don't know how to exactly explain this one, or how to ask this question, but I'll do my best. First, some background information:

  Me and my mother got into a religious discussion - something I really enjoy doing. For those who don't know, my mother is an active JW, and has been for 20 years.

  Anyway, we were talking about how I was "raised" in the truth. The conversation got steered toward how my mother apparently learned not to beat me out of anger (which is total bs). This ends up being a very touchy situation with me, since I was quite frequently beaten out of anger which was usually not the cause of me.

  She told me that she raised me well, and I turned out great because of Bible Principles. Over the past 7 years or so, I had to undo a lot of what I had learned. I understand that the way I turned out was because of undoing what I was taught, not the direct result of Bible Principles.

  My mother had made some decisions - based on these "principles" - that had resulted from me getting beat up at school, and having a nervous breakdown when I was in Junior High. Being a JW commited a LOT to this.

  My mother had learned that JWs are suppose to stand out in school, which is why I was forced to wear out-of-date clothes, which my mother thought looked nice. I was teased very much in school for this.

  I was also taught that if I rely on Jehovah, he'll make things work out fine. This did not happen. I didn't stand up for myself, thinking that Jehovah was going to take care of me, which resulted in my peers punching and kicking me even more.

  So now I had 3 things contributing to my problems at school: Being a JW (which I wasn't suppose to be ashamed of), ugly clothes that were 10+ years out of date, and no defending myself. I went through a lot of torment in Junior high. I never felt I could turn to my mother for anything, since her temper would go through the roof, and I would get a beating. The effects of all this still surface in my adulthood.

  Here's the thing, I never told my mother any of what went on in Junior High.

  Should I actually tell her the results of the "Theocratic Upbringing", or should I not bother, since I'll get absolutely nowhere, and only frustrate myself farther?

  Just as a side note, my mother was never brought up in the "truth", so she doesn't know what it's like to be JW in school.
• 

  Funchback

  Hi, nos.

  If you think that her "wall" will go up once you start talking to her about it, then perhaps you can go another route. It seems that you at least want to speak your mind and get this off of your chest. Perhaps, then, you could write her a letter. Be candid and frank but try writing it in a manner where she will be apt to read the entire letter.

  It's worth a shot.

  Funch
• 

  Brummie

  Sad post

  Hmm this is a hard one, I would suggest that you talk this through with someone else before approaching your mother, you may be able to deal with it re-surfacing without confronting her. Like you said, a confrontation might only frustrate yourself further. Thats just my opinion....sometimes we just need to talk about things and bring them into the open.

  How would you feel if she retaliated and denied that the JW religion has anything to do with it? Would you be able to cope with it? If not I wouldnt do it just yet....you might not be ready for the response. On the other hand, if you feel the need to be totally honest with yourself and with her, you might not have any peace of mind until you have confronted her. Do what ever is right for you, after all, you are the one who has to live with these things.

  Brummie
• 

  email

  I can only talk by my own personal experience... even though my father was not a JW and made it much easier for us while growing up... the things I MAY resent about the whole JW upbringing I will keep it to myself since I honestly believe she did what she could and it would hurt her more if I basically tell her that she "failed" raising me.

  Anyway... that's my opinion... hope you can weigh the positive things she did for you in all those years since you were born... I bet there are lots... and concentrate on those.

  My 2 Cents
• 

  animal

  I went thru the same shit, back in the 70's... and ran away at 15 because of it all. After I was an adult, I told my mother what happened, but she laffed it off....

  Tell her, but be ready to be laffed at.

  Animal
• 

  Marcos

  Nos,

  I basically agree with Animal. I don't know you or your mother. I really didn't have the inclination to tell my mom things that had happened to me until she was close to death. I certainly didn't tell her anything to MAKE her feel bad. And what I told her I told her with compassion and forgiveness. She was duped too.

  As I have said before, not everything was wrong or evil. But, I'll bet you she knows that you had a hard time. My suggestion is to be forgiving and accept that she might not outwardly accept what you say at the time you say it. But, she WILL hear you. It will come back to her at some point as an "ah ha". You probably need to get it off your chest.

  Just don't present it in a confrontational manner. You are an adult now. Don't accept her treating you as less than an adult child of her's. i say the following with a feeling for what you have gone through -- get over it.

  Then, don't let the cabrones (a Spanish expletive) get you down. Or to put it into Latin so I won't get edited: "Illegitimi Non Carborundum".

  Marcos
• 

  SYN

  Remember, the best revenge is living well.

  So to speak.

  Don't look back at the past - you can't change it. Learn from it, and move on.
• 

  Nosferatu

  Thank you all for your responses!

  Syn: You are correct that the best revenge is living well. I've adopted this attitude in life and it has gotten me very far. However, revenge is not what I'm looking for.

  Marcos: I do very well with not letting it get me down. I look at the past as just that - the past, and I prefer it to remain there, but every once in a while, I get reminded of it, and all the feelings come along with it as well.

  Animal: This is why I haven't said anything yet. I could see my mother telling me that it was Satan's world, not faith in Jehovah resulting in what I went through.

  Email: I have thought about these things long and hard for the past few years. I am a bit worried about my mother thinking that she failed raising me, which is not the case at all. I just feel like I need to point out why this religion is a bunch of crap, however the failed upbringing would go along with it.

  The most difficult thing to deal with is being lied to my face from my mother regarding my upbringing. It's a typical JW fashion to change the past, and this is exactly how my mother is regarding this subject.

  One of the things I had to undo that I learned from her is taking my anger out on anything that breathes. I used to take out my frustrations on my cat. One day, I realized that I was doing this, and that I was turning out EXACTLY like my mother, and I made it a goal to change this part of myself - and I did a very good job :)

  I've been bettering myself for the last few years by dealing with issues from my past. The JWs is one of them, which is why I'm here. However, I may have to face the fact that this issue can't be dealt with, at least right now.
• 

  cruzanheart

  Wow, Nos, I always knew I had a twin somewhere! Though my parents didn't beat me, my mother was great at emotional abuse and guilt trips. And I looked like the 1950's among the flower children of the late 1960's, which mortified me. I still cringe when I think of it.

  I found it healing to tell my parents exactly what I thought of how they raised me. It kind of got the anger out of me and put it back where it belonged: on them. It wasn't particularly satisfying to do it, but it was cathartic.

  Good luck and peace with whatever you decide to do.

  Nina
• 

  Big Tex

  Tell her, but only do so when you're ready. Confronting a parent about abuses or even mistakes can be very helpful. Realize that you've got some shit dumped on you. You need to give that shit back to the person who dumped it in your lap. However, only talk to her when you're strong enough emotionally. Otherwise she can, and will, pull some guilt hooks on you and might cause you some more pain. From the pain apparent in your words, it is apparent you must talk to her, but the timing of the talk is going to have be your decision.

  I would recommend "talking" to her in your head first. Imagine her responses and/or objections to your statements. From there I would progress to writing down what you have to say; perhaps even here if you feel comfortable about it. Then I would try some things out loud. Imagine her in a chair and actually say what you have to say out loud to your "mother" sitting in a chair. Each step will be difficult, but doing it and conquering your anxiety will give you confidence. It will also bring you a measure of healing inside. This will help you when you finally do talk to her.

  Is there someone you can talk with? This is a wonderful and safe place to express yourself, but there are some things that need to be verbalized. Humans are funny creatures in that something magical happens when we say the words we feel or hear in our head out loud. I don't know why, but it seems to make the feeling real and tangible.

  By the way, I am sorry for your experiences. Early adolescence is tough enough, but to be burdened with being a Witness, having a serious wardrobe problem and, being a boy, having to deal with the issues regarding not fighting back is very tough. It's no wonder you carry so much angst. All I can say is when you face your fears and feelings, deal with them and then finally conquer them, then you will be like the desert after a rainstorm. You will blossom and life will look and feel differently to you.

  Good luck,

  Chris