Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man
in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
A Protestant minister, A Catholic preist and a Rabi were discussing contributions and how they divided them up. The Protestant minister started by saying he draws a big circle on the floor and throws the money into the air. Whatever lands in the circle he gives to God and whatever falls outside he keeps. The Catholic preist said he does a similar thing. He draws a big circle on the floor and throws the money in the air. Only he keeps what falls inside the circle. Then comes the Rabi. "I dont worry about the circle - I throw the money in the air and whatever God wants he keeps."
"But it does move"
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A round of Skeet.
What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bills.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
What does a lawyer get when he takes Viagra? Taller.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the Ohio river? A pretty good start.
What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in concrete? A shortage of concrete.
Here's a few more.
What do dinosaurs and decent attorneys have in common? They are both extinct.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour till his demands were met.
What's the differenc e between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead.
What do you throw a drowning lawyer? His partners.