My dilemma

by eyeslice 15 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Vee

  Dear Brother,

  One thing that I have learned over the past year is that I have been denying myself the right to trust my instincs. If you have certain feelings or thoughts they are there for a reason, that is after all who you are and is the most natural thing in life. I now instead of censoring my thoughts out of fear listen to them and explore them. You should be extremely proud of yourself for questioning your doubts, how long do you really think that you can continue living in your current situation without being true to yourself, you will only loose respect for yourself and all those wonderful qualities that have shun through in your writing above will diminish. You need to accept that you don't think exactly the way you used to. Afterall you're of obviously very intelligent and intune with your inner belief structure that you will have nothing to fear, either it will in the long term strengthen your existing belief structure or you will move on from it and attain more inner peace and mental freedom than you might have not otherwise known. I started reading a book about 12months ago called the 'Road Less Travelled' by someone Becks, I would recommend it to everyone. Completely non-denomindation and is purely self help. It has a section in it that talks about 'Map making' which discusses the fact that all throughout our lives we receive new information that forces us to re-map our perspective or more appropriately our 'working view of the world'. It talks about this at times being a very painful thing to do and sometimes we will go the emph degree to denounce any new information that comes to our senses as evil because of the fear of letting go. We do it when we're children, we remap again when we're teenagers, we do it again when we move into adulthood, then into middle life and again into old age. We can't possibly work with an outdated map right through our lives, and when new information makes itself present it is vital for our personal growth that we address it.

  In my experience perhaps rather than stepping entirely out of your comfort zone and visiting other churches that maybe you start seriously meditating on your own thoughts and reading some self help material which if it's good will only teach you more about yourself rather than persuade you. This is what I have recently done in the last 12 months, and I'm happy to say that my departure from the JW org has been an intellectual decision rather than a behavioural one. I haven't actually been disfellowshiped nor do I plan to, and will go to whatever degree legally to make sure that doesn't happen. I do this because I am determined that I want to know my younger siblings, and because I know that above else my family still loves me. If you do decide to allow yourself to fade and cut off associations with your friends in the org I doubt that too much pressure would be put on you to be on a judicial committe now that you're no longer an elder. If you do become reappointed you will only make the inevitable an even more bitter pill to swallow should the time come.

  On this forum as a tralier to one of the posters here there is a saying that "When the pain of being where you are is greater than the fear of letting go. You will risk and heal and grow". This has had so much truth in it for me personally. And I realise that although my family do love me that their being a part of my every day life was based on conditions that I could no longer stand by in good conscience. You will still have a full life if you do the right things by yourself. I'm leaving for Africa Ghana in a month to work in an orphanage/school and my family to my absolute bewilderment, even my Uncle elder who has always exerted much pressure on me respects what I want to do. The key is just giving them a little bit at a time, not too much because you know what it would be like if you were in their position. It is very rare that in a situation like you are in and we have all been in that anyone close to you will be in the same frame of mind as you are at the same time. Unfortunately when it comes to such a mammoth issue in your life you are all on your own with it.

  I wish you all the best, I have a very strong sense that you will make the absolute best choice for yourself no matter what that might be.

  All my love V**
• 

  Robdar

  Eye,

  Welcome to the crossroads. It's a scary place to be and I feel for you. I was never an elder (only an elder's daughter), so I never had the responsibilities to the flock that you have. But I still faced losing my family when I decided to leave. Reading the scriptures without the publications led to my decision.

  I agree with Sentinel's advice. Remain true to your heart. May I add, you must remain true to what you have found to be the truth. If you can do the fade, do it. If not, may the courage of your convictions give you strength.

  Some advice: Never argue doctrine with your family. If the JW organization makes them happy, provides some sort of comfort, more power to them. Continue to LOVE them even if they make it hard for you to do so. Through this love that you share with them they may come to see the light also. Even if you are shunned, remind them that they are the ones that have turned their backs on you, not the other way around. Continue to be there for them. Continue to love them.

  You never know what is on the minds of other members of your family. Perhaps they are having some of the same doubts you are but are frightened to leave because of the obvious consequences.

  Even though I was never formally shunned, I still lost all my friends that I had while still a Witness. I eventually replaced them with others that I met through work and social functions. But I was lonely for a long time. My family eventually stopped shunning me, but for a while there it was truly depressing. But my courage to leave led others in my family to leave also. I am pleased to say that I think that the ones who remained are just about to leave. Some of us realize the truth about the org sooner than others.

  Do you truly think that you can make changes from within the organization? Have you been able to so far? From what I have read of your story, I don't think that you have. Please remember that you can only save one person, YOU. We must all stand alone.

  I wish you well. I hope that you stick around this forum. Pay no mind to the flame wars that occasionally erupt. There are many here who have been through what you are going through. We will provide you with as much support as possible and will comfort you as best we can.

  Love,

  Robyn

  .
• 

  DakotaRed

  In my opinion, one does not need religion or any church to draw close to God and Jesus. After the Watchtower, I have lost respect for all religions. Jesus preached heavily of love of God and fellow man and although all religions preach it, how many actually practice it?

  I have come to believe much of what it is in the Bible obscures that messsage of love and serves more to divide than to bring together. Since Jesus and his Father read hearts, I feel that those who actually show love and pay less attention to petty doctrines, many placed there by man, not God, are the ones who have their attention.

  Lew W
• 

  outoftheorg

  Hello Eye.

  I also was an elder and faced much of what you expressed in your post. You have received a lot of good advice in the replies. There are small variations here and there in these posts. Since it is your life and family, the decision on what to do is yours. Any choice you make will result in some discomfort and possible loss. My exit was quick and there was a lot of attacks from the elders and a lot of loss of siblings and children. If I had it to do over again I would take a form of slow fade away from the org.

  I have no other advice or techniques to offer.

  You may find the stress involved, to be your biggest enemy. It is not unusual for one to fall into one form of depression or another at this point. So be aware of your own mental and emotional state and if needed seek some counseling from a professional.

  In the end you will find that the end results are worth all the stress and even any losses one may have thrust upon them. Eventually you will be a much happier, better, and loving person. More able to function and have a contented peaceful life.

  You have my best wishes in your journey and those best wishes of everyone here.

  Outoftheorg
• 

  dobby

  Your post was very touching. I can relate because I was at my "crossroads" one year ago today.

  I had the same fears about losing my family. But that same feeling that I could not bear to deny my feelings any longer, however I was afraid the cost would be too great.

  I don't know your wife or children. But I would recommend trying to talk to them one by one to get an idea if any of them have doubts and will relate to you and support you as you become an inactive witness. I spoke with my husband cautiously. Basically I told him that I really loved him but was going through some things and couldn't go to the meetings for a while. I asked him if he would still love me and if we could work out an arrangement that he would just let me do my thing until I asked for help. He was fine. And fortunately for me very curious to know my mind. Eventually we both made the decision to no longer be witnesses.

  That's how I would proceed, I think reading Amazing's story would be the BEST thing you could do. He started posting his story about leaving about the time I was leaving and it was so helpful. I couldn't wait until he put a new installment.

  Good luck.
• 

  Mr Rocky

  Dear EYE,

  I agree with the slow fade posts above. If you have low hours or none in the field service they will not re-appoint you to elder. If they try, remind them that you don't feel you are taking the lead and that you need time. No matter how often and by how many you are afronted with being saved stick to your story. Among my ex-Jw friends the worst thing is not to be able to communicate with relatives ie. sons daughters and especially grandkids. Poor consolation to be free of one religon only to find out that they are all the same and on top of that to lose your family. Some friends have studied themselves into atheism, you never know were you will wind up once your mind is free. Imagine changing your religion on principals that you believe are for god, then lose your family, then believe god is not! Child abuse and other concerns can be fought from within just as well and may better than from without!

  Rocky