Opinions/Advice needed (page 3)

larc

Joann, when I first read this, I was pretty divided, and could not see a solution. As you can see, the posters are divided on this as well. After thinking about this for a while, I came up with an idea that might work. How about if you called your friend and asked if you could come over with a gift before the shower. This would allow you to see her without the embarrassment of having to face a lot of judgemental people. If she makes excuses, you could aske her if it would be all right if you sent a gift that your mother brings with her. This way you will find out if she invites you at this point in the conversation. I think by trying to open the door slowly, you will find out where you stand without forcing the issue or unnecessarily upsetting either one of you.

desertflower

Joanna

After reading all the response to your question I had to put my 2 cents in.

No I would not go and I would not send a present. I'm going thru the same thing with my grandaught. She was married last Feb. My husband and I were not invited to the wedding. I sent a beautiful clock to her anyway. No thank you note nor that she even got it. Been 2 yrs. since we ask our 1st questions. and we have been shunned since then. Our middle daughter has nothing to do with us. We are not da nor df. She just had a baby Dec. 13th and our daughter has not let us know anything. She had the baby c-section. My youngest daughter keeps us informed and she is a god send. We are 70 yrs. old and it is really hard to loose your family after being very close. Good luck to you what ever you decide. Desertflower

Mary

Joanna, after the JWs reaction a few weeks ago when they came to see your mom and you answered the door and they took off like thieves in the night, I think that basically sums up their feelings and the atmosphere you'd be walking in to if you went to the shower.

Your friend probably misses you, but because you're inactive, you'd be deemed "bad association" or even "marked" and she'd be hauled before the elders if they found out she was still friends with you.

You might want to call her direct to see how she is with you. If she's fine, you could send her a gift in the mail or drop it off at her house, but personally, I wouldn't bother going to the shower..........and by the way, this probably isn't your friend that "forgot" to put your name on the invitation as people generally don't give showers for themselves. It was done by whoever is giving the shower for her.

Edited by - Mary on 18 December 2002 10:53:57

bikerchic

((((((((Joanna)))))))

I had a very simular experience and it was from my neice. The night of her shower it just so happened that I had a ride to my Mother's house with my sister (the mother of niece) to help our Mom pack, she was moving far away. I had already given my neice's baby a gift days before the shower, my sister out of guilt and with a trimbling voice....knowing that I was dressed to do work not attend a baby shower invited me to go. I was very hurt by the late invite, and the feeling that I really wasn't wanted by even my family to be there.....long story short they got ready and went to the shower while I stayed for hours in a cold apartment, no food, no transportation to go get anything to eat, it was late I was tired and cried myself to sleep on the floor cuddled up to the heater to keep warm. I was fast asleep when they finally came home, hungry and hurt I know they felt bad.

I just let it go....it would have made a long emotional enough weekend with moving my Mom to AZ worse if I had dwelt on it the rest of the weekend. One good thing I had to look forward to on the trip was seeing my kids when we got to AZ! Not only that but my boys did a lot of the work moving my Mom into her new place. Note here my kids are not JW's anymore and make it pretty plain that they aren't.

Guess my point here is that as so many have stated the shower is to welcome the new little one into this world. It's not about US, our failed relationships, but just about being the kindest best people possible and as La Capra said:

Either way don't let it be the child's consequence. It needs love both in and out of the borg,

So many have given you excelent advice here, I can only add that the best evidence of a life well lived is to live it well and with style. I would call her and let know that you are happy for her and that you will be sending a gift along with your Mother.

All this stuff hurts, I cried again typing my experience to you but I also understand the basis from which my family acted, that is the sad part they are so stunted in human relationships so afraid that they may be corrupted by "worldly" people that they don't even see how bad their own actions are. They act so very contrary to Christian love it is sickening. I am not any different today than when I was going to meetings,(in regard to being a nice person) and you Joanna aren't either, suck up get strong it gets worse before it gets better you'll have a lot more of this kind of stuff to deal with as the years go on being that your parents are still "in".

Katie (feeling the need to call my Mother)

detective

Gift...no!

Card...sure, whatever.

Basically, since your "friend" didn't invite you, you'd be inviting yourself to this function. If you feel fine with that...

Personally, I don't think you should go. I DEFINITELY don't think you should send a present. A card is okay, in my opinion.

You deserve to have people in your life who are proud and happy to share not only their lives with you, but to happily enjoy YOU sharing your life with them. Sure, she can sit there and accept your present... but where is she in extending kind words or gifts in celebrating your life and accomplishments?

The only good I can see in going is that your mother might be horrified at how badly they treat you...which could cause a slight crack in the mindset. And a small crack (or several) might eventually lead to questioning...

p.s. don't call her until you find out if the shower is a surprise or not!!

p.p.s.
Though the shower is for "the baby", the child won't know if you are there or not. Officially, it's for the kid. Realistically, it's for the parent. So, I wouldn't allow yourself to get too caught up in the "do it for the baby" concern. There may be a time when the child will need you, but at that time, the child would probably be old enough to know who you are.

Edited by - detective on 18 December 2002 11:16:53

LDH

((((JD))))

Says:

be happy for your friend who is still your friend no matter what"

Ummmm.......and what exactly does this person do that makes her your "friend?" Friends act toward each other in a friendly way. You have been kicked to the curb. I agree with Reborn.

Lisa

ThiChi

One quick way to find out if this is true friendship or an institutional friendship is to just go. Or you can send a gift with a note saying you miss her as a friend and would really like to save the friendship by talking again...then see if she responds.......

Edited by - thichi on 18 December 2002 11:43:22

Mum

Ask yourself how you'll feel about it next week or next year if you go (or don't go).

Who is giving the shower? Have you or your mother been in touch with that person/those people? They might be able to clarify exactly who was invited.

If you decide to go, why not take a video camera, or at least a recording device and offer to make a copy of the tape a gift of the new mom. Then review the tape later after your feelings are neutralized.

Also if you go, it would be best to go in your own car so you can leave early if you feel the need. I hope you're not the sort to break down crying when you're being treated badly.

joannadandy

Well the party is being thrown by the mother-in-law. (Who hated me before I left cuz I was supposed to marry her son...yeah, like that was gonna happen!) So again I am fairly certain I was not invited. I am half tempted to go, as some suggested to show my mom how evil and rude they are because that was a major reason I left. (At 21 I was not baptized, and I heard about it, every meeting in snide comments from all sorts of different people who were being "encouraging" to me-uh huh) When I told my mom this was a major reason why I left, because why should my personal relationship with god be such a talking point for everyone in the congregation, she didn't believe me. She also didn't beleive what they were saying, and said I must have misunderstood them....uh huh. So it would be nice to go, and have her witness first hand how cruel they are. Of course afterward she would probably blame me, and say I wasn't being friendly enough. Uh huh.

LDH and Reborn, and all those others who said something similar: No you are right, she hasn't behaved like a friend, I know I worded that wrong. I should say, I want to be the bigger person in this situation and let it be known that my friendship has not changed because of a relgious belief, even tho her's obviously has.

I also know my friend is the type of person who had a troubled teen life in the Borg. Now that she is married to an upstanding brother it is important for her to maintain her new glossy image. My gut also tells me that it could very well be she wants to talk to me, but can't because of the mother-in-lawl

As it stands now, I am thinking a small gift or card. Again, to let her know friendship doesn't change because of faith changes. I will include my phone number and e-mail address, she can contact me privately if she wants...but then the choice will be hers.

Thanks again for all of you taking the time to respond, I appreciate it

Robdar

(((((Jo))))),

Send along a gift and a card with your mother but do not attend the shower. No need in opening yourself to public humiliation. The gift will show that you still consider her your friend and your silence (or absence, in this case) will speak louder than words.

Let us know what you decide to do.

Love,

Robyn

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