What the WT took from me.. is it gone 4ever?

by LyinEyes 24 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  bay64me

  Lyin eyes,

  I understand where you are coming from.

  Some nights when I crawl into bed and especially when I have had a great day or something good happens, I tend to want to speak out and have some sort of conversation with my creator. I just want to say thanks for life and all it brings...........But I have to stop, as I have no idea who is there listening to me........i don't know even if I am being listened to!

  When I was in the org, I was constantly crying out for help, assistance, needing to know how to cope with stuff. Help in maintaining the "new personality" bearing fruitage of the spirit, knowing how to forgive or overlook, or just being able to live life doing what was required.

  It was all so hard and unnecessary.

  And now I have a void. I don't know how to fill it. Oh yes it's great to let go of all that garbage and rules and regulations written and unwritten rules, dress codes, and the security and sense of belonging that came with all that..........But................... and it's a BIG...............BUT.............What the hell am I going to fill that space with?

  I am just trying to deal with one day as it comes and try to fill it with a little bit of what I want to do in it. And in some respects, to a degree, I still feel accountable to God or whatever, but the confusion is set in as to whether that accountability is a throw over from my previous life or just a natural desire to learn more about our existance here on earth.

  Ah well, life's not boring is it?
• 

  Nosferatu

  My advice? Definately take some time off from religion and such. Put your bible away for now, and focus on getting your life in shape. Set yourself some goals to reach that you never could when you were with the JWs. Go out and explore some things that you would never have been able to do before. It's a great feeling to experience something new. When you're ready, you'll pick that bible up again and do some reading.

  One thing that I've learned from my experience, is I still believe in god, but I don't believe in organized religion.
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  JosephMalik

  We feel like you do. We debate these questions often, my wife and I and some friends. What we seem to agree on is we were had. Lately we have come to accept that we allowed ourselves to be had as one person repeats constantly -we were the dummies. Right now were talking about why this happened

  Wheelwithinwheel,

  That we were the dummies is not the problem. Dumb people should not be abused should they? In fact care should be taken to protect them from harm. It was our sincerity that put us at risk for the abuse we received at the hands of the Watchtower. Their lies and methods are intentionally designed to take advantage of sincere people that are ill prepared for their indoctrinations methods. As John May (an Irish Witness) stated to us one morning, we gave them our hearts and they took our minds as well.

  Now that we are better informed and no longer dummies this abuse on the part of the Watchtower becomes even more severe. Severance from family and friends for starters. And the Watchtower now refuses to accept the truth of scripture offered to them by those more knowledgeable than they are and familiar with their doctrine. They will not investigate their beliefs the way they taught you to investigate yours in the beginning. Once dummies we have advanced Beyond the Watchtower in knowledge and capabilities that they can never hope to match. But it was not our fault that we were so entrapped in the beginning. It was and still is theirs.

  Joseph
• 

  beckyboop

  ((((((((((((((((((((((((((DEDE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  First off, here's a big hug to you! There are many here (including myself) who understand what you're going through. Although for me it was very confusing at times and still is, the best part is you are free to figure things out yourself!

  I would like to suggest something, especially considering some of the comments here and because of our "biblical" background. If you decide that you are going to do some religion/spiritual/bible searching, please take the time to research the Bible THOROUGHLY before even considering any religion who uses it excessively. Once I found out that many books were written years after things happened (makes you wonder), how much the Catholic Church used it's influences (hmmmm...) in what was included, and that there are other accounts of people who met Jesus and weren't included in the Bible--I had to let those things sink in to be able to put the Bible into perspective. It really makes you start wondering about what was left out or changed to fit the Catholics ideas.

  One thing that really helped me personally when I started asking other's about their belief's/religion--I always find out what happens if you disagree. Are you condemned to hell/earth, burned at Armageddon, kicked out, shunned, etc? I knew I didn't want to involve myself with ANY other group who tried to tell ME what I could/could not think/believe/do. The happiest part of my search was I did find groups like the Unitarians and Unity groups that accept people of all faiths and include the various beliefs in their teachings/sermons. For some reason (enter sarcasm), I always thought that NOBODY else is happy or could possible teach anything worthwhile other than the dubs.

  Good luck to you in your search Dede--it's fun to be able to visit other churches, read any book I want about any other religion, and have fascinating conversations with all types of people about their beliefs without judging them or condemning them. I respect that others can believe in things that I don't agree with; at the same time I appreciate it when others respect me and my desire to learn. You may enjoy reading about Taoism, buddhism, and other Eastern ideas. They help fill a different void in each of us that the bible never filled for me. Keep us posted--I love hearing about what others are going through.

  Love,

  Becky
• 

  OUTLAW

  Hey LyinEyes,there are alot of us here who were dub kids.For one, I`m pissed the bastards messed with our lives.It`s not like we had a choice,and joined of our own free will.We just have to learn to live with it.The nice part is we`re not alone.We have found one another on this board,and thanks to Simon we now have a voice...OUTLAW
• 

  LyinEyes

  I really appreciated reading all the replies , it is wonderful to hear how others are doing on their journey out of WT.

  I have to say I can agree with each and everyone of you. Every word all of you said, I feel the same way.

  I really thought after a year I would be ready to sit down and start reading the Bible. But I realize I am not near ready to read the bible without resentment right now. I tried , got pissed somewhere in Gen. chapter 6 , and havent wanted to pick it up since.

  That's ok, maybe in time I will attempt it again.

  I have In Search of Christain Freedom, and I don't even want to read that one right now. So I wont'..lol.

  I really think I need to work on myself longer, get my anger all out of the way, the resentment and then approach my search with a clear head and heart.

  I was so afraid I didnt have enough time before......... I had to make sure I was right in leaving JW , because if I wasnt and was just being lead astray,,,,,,,, it would cost me my life, and that of my children. I am not afraid of that anymore, so I can accept that I need more time .

  I do believe no matter where my spiritual journey takes me, be it a church, religious belief, or I form my own belief,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it will have a postive force on my life. I am already enjoying so much from my freedom now. I hope one day to be completely free of the WT bonds. So that is one goal, a big one, but the first one. Whatever I do, I know I have to find out MYSELF, not from anyone eles, not from any organization ,or church. This is where I am hoping to have just a little bit of God's Holy Spirit touch my heart and help me to just know, that HE is. I don't care about all the doctrines of religion right now, I can trust God to do the fair thing in the end, even if I cant understand his motive now. I just want to be able , to have faith in his again.

  I think I will one day............ still praying and hoping,,,,,,,,,, hugsssssss to all , Dede
• 

  blondie

  Let me say as an sexually, emotionally, verbally abused child, that I have used the same coping skills and healing techniques as many do growing up in a JW household where many were forced to follow a religion they didn't agree with. We don't pick our parents no matter who we are or what our situation. Legally, our parents no longer have any control over us, thank goodness. But if we keep going back and playing out the past, we will be giving control over us.

  I just watched a show last night about young children on the streets of Kenya, digging through the garbage to find food. I saw young boys with distended stomachs because of worms and lack of food. All living on the street. And this is Kenya, not the Sudan or Somalia.

  This may sound corny, but I realize how much I have, what an abundance I have. I never starved or was naked or was beaten or had to live on the street or search through the garbage for my next meal. Granted, I lived through some scary times, but not like this.

  I used to wish for payback or revenge but I realized that was holding on too and giving my parents control over my life.

  I have found that nothing really important is beyond retrieving, even my innocence as a child.

  Blondie
• 

  jgnat

  My abuser was my ex, not the society, but he left his mark on me too. It took a long time to trust again. Yes, he left his mark, but not all of it was bad. When confronted with an enemy, I do my reasearch and find out how he/she ticks, and develop a strategy to deal with them. It came in handy living with an abuser, and it comes in handy now. I came to terms with my rights as a woman and a human being, and I do not tolerate abuse.

  From what I can see, xJW's come out of the org with some marked traits. For one thing, you are a very welcoming and accepting group. Probably something to do with having experienced the butt end of rejection. Also, some of you celebrate birthdays and holidays with such obvious delight. Stellar examples for a jaded holiday-keeper like me. Also, you guys are the fastest at spotting circular logic. NOTHING gets past you.

  Lyin Eyes, it sounds like you are on the normal path of self-determination. You keep on, girl. The journey's worth it.
• 

  Double Edge

  Dede...

  I always enjoy your posts as you seek to figure out your journey in life. Since I've never had the 'pleasure' of being in the society, I'll leave it to the ex-jw's to give you their take on 'life after the borg'. But one thing caught my eye that you said that I would like to comment on:

  But I realize I am not near ready to read the bible without resentment right now. I tried , got pissed somewhere in Gen. chapter 6 , and havent wanted to pick it up since.

  When you are ready, why start at Genesis? For me, that doesn't work... I get either bored or exasperated trying to slug my way through (and I like history). When I have a dinner plate full of various foods, I don't pick the eggplant, I go to what I like best... and it's the same with me in regards to reading scriptures. It would drive me nuts to start at the beginning of the bible... I would never get to the 'good stuff'. I really like the gospel of John. Instead of just 'reading' verse after verse after verse, I started reading it slow, digesting the story like a well crafted novel, understanding how all the characters inter-relate to each others. It really took on a new dimension for me...it started to come alive and impacted me more so than it ever did before.

  Just my 2 cents..

  contined best wishes on your 'quest'

  D.E.
• 

  Utopian_Raindrops

  Dear Dede (((((((hugs)))))),

  We all have lost alot because of The WTBS and the pain is very real and the feeling sometimes of being lost.

  Where do you go? They taught us to ask.......and indeed for many it FEELS just that way even when we know they are WRONG.

  You can know they lied about many things....you can know the were hypocrates and didn't hold themselves to the same standards as the sheep. You can know they cared more about thier good name then little children's safty. You can know they are wealty and have made a paradise for themselves here and now while hundreds of Jehovah's Witnesses are poor and doing without basic needs.

  Still it is like they took your trust and indoctrinated us with beliefs that have made us uncomfortable with any other faith! We scrutinize every small detail of another faith......we have become sceptics and feel robed of true faith.

  What a crime....what a scandel.....what an attack on the very being of the person you are inside.

  They stood inbetween us and Our Creator....they stood inbetween us and Our Savior....claming to be The Ones who's skirts we must grab onto and beg to takes us with them and now that many of us our out.......how they abused us makes us still feel something is inbetween us and Our Creator and in between us and Our Savior.

  I know from your posts Dede you have truely lost alot in to the hands of these men.

  You lost your freedom to choose since you were born into this faith........you lost your mother who was a beautiful person....you lost your Father.....Grandparents for your children.......your little sister and I am sure the list goes on for you and many other spiritually abused ones.

  So where does one go? How does one spiritually heal again and beable to stand before God through Our Savior?

  I can not have all the answers as you and many have pointed out.Now that we are no longer JW there is this sence that we don't know it all spiritually and the answers are not at the turn of a WT's page.

  Even my worldly family as asked me....Where will you go now? Because they know how different from the rest of the world I have believed.

  You know my answer.......It's simple......."I don't know."

  This is a new begining.....a "rebirth"

  Soccrates said true wisdom was in knowing you knew nothing. I think this very real and true.In this vast universe with wonders we have never seen or creations we have never even thought of....How can we think anyone would have all the answers?

  That is the humane problem...wanting it now....fast food....fast cars.....900 hundered statlite channels with nothing on. We don't want to sit back and learn little by little we wish to feel we know it now or have the answer at the trun of a page....flick of a switch. In this we find a comfort a security.

  It is in this security that The WTBS could rob us and continue to rob others.

  How can you have true faith in Your Creator if you know everything if there is nothing to learn from Him?

  God is suposed to be our Heavenly Father but, if you need nothing from Him how can he parent you?How can you rely on Him? The WTBS made it so we relied on THEM....not our Heavenly Father.

  Much like when we grow up and move away from our earthly parents. We check in now and again but, we do not realy on them. We do not need them.

  This personal relationship has been stolen from us.

  Still for us we ask.....How can we trust another faith.......with all these beliefs in my mind where else can I go? Will I ever recover from this spiritual abuse?

  I think the reality is....now we are in the position to realy know God....to realy get close to Him.There is no one standing inbetween us and Our Creator Or His Son. The reality is They are every where and no matter where you turn or where you've been or are going......They have been with you all along.

  So is there a "PLACE" to go....a building ,a church....a faith? Only The Bible can tell you this.

  I think people can read for themselves and decide.....and with this New Life....I believe there will be a great healing for you sweet Dede and everyone.

  Ok.....just my 2 cents.

  (((((((((hugs))))))) Dede for all your helpful posts.

  I realy do love how coming here makes me think and also helps heal.

  agape,

  Utopian_Raindrops