Suicidal fear of rejection.

by seven006 47 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  TR

  Hey Dave,

  I'm looking forward to you insulting me to my face one of these days.

  TR
• 

  MrMoe

  " When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"

  Maybe the teacher... is us.
• 

  larc

  Dave, you have done so much good for others, I hope we can do some good for you. You write with such eloquence, whether in helping others or telling us about yourself. I wish I had that gift. At any rate, with lack of the skills I have, let me just say that we love you very much and we would never reject you. In the case of your lady friend, perhaps there is a second chance. Perhaps not all is lost. Print out what you have written us and give it her. You made one of the greatest statements of love and love lost that has ever been written. Perhaps her reading this will melt her heart. I hope so.
• 

  seven006

  FIRST OF ALL AND MOST IMPORTANT IS: I'm not going to blow my brains out!!!!! I never was going to. I just said that I have thought about it before when I get this down. I have also thought about having mad passionate sex with Sandra Bullock but I ain't gonna do that either. This may be a little cry, for just a little help and I know since I have never done this before on this board all the fucking fire trucks are rolling, but I am fine and my head is still fairly well screwed onto my shoulders. I just had a little problem and wanted some input from some people who would understand. Between all the e-mails I have gotten off this thread and the three phone calls as well as all the responses here I will be very careful about the title of my next thread if I ever decide to write another one. You people are not only as crazy as I am you are also some of the most caring and loving misfits on the planet. I would say lets all get together and have a party but knowing all of us we would fuck that up too. I simply screwed up and ended up loving a wonderful woman. I'm trying to get over the fact that I screwed it up. I'm not going to kill myself, In fact, I don't think I am even going to look at another woman for at least a month.

  Now I will try and answer the last few posts before I have to go and answer all the e-mails. You people are too much. I would say I love you all but that little word is what got me into this marathon finger exercise in the first place. I knew I could count on you guys to help pull me out of this. It has worked and I thank you all. Now, lets talk about what pizza topping you all like?

  Apostates are evil and unloving people,...what a fricken crock!

  Flower,
  How ya doing sweetheart? Things sound good for you. Aren't you glad we didn't get married now? As I said to Moe, you are going to be one of the people who ends up helping the new ones who show up here. You were like her in that you were quite a mess when you first came here. Now you are doing fine and you sound very happy. I am glad that you can identify with me. Hopefully you won't screw up like I did. I think you are too smart for that. Let me keep screwing up and you can learn from it. That is my job.

  Sandra,
  Sounds like the guy you were talking about was using the wrong gun. There is noting more depressing than screwing up a perfectly good suicide. Talk about not being able to do anything right. I feel for the poor guy.

  Shera,
  My two oldest sons would be very sad. My youngest son wouldn't know if I was dead unless it was embroidered on the back of some 16 year old girls thong underwear. As Meatloaf said in his song, "Two out of three aint bad."

  Dana my one of two sister fantasy,
  Sorry for making you look at me and remind you of looking at yourself as I was looking at myself and thinking of me and not thinking of you thinking about yourself. I always thought it was Tracy who was the one who was totally screwed up. Thanks for clearing that one up. I also have a sister who is an exJW and we are very close. I have not called her because she really liked this lady and will be quite mad at me for screwing it up. She chewed me out about a month ago for trying to screw it up the second time. Boy is she going to be pissed. I don't think I am going to call her for a while. My sister is bipolar but I am the one who keeps fucking up my life. Go figure.

  So you have fear of rejection too? Well let me tell you this,............I don't like you either. Tracy and I were talking a few days ago and she doesn't like you and never has even though you are her sister. Your dog if you have one or will ever have one doesn't like you also. I just went to the liquor store and told the lady behind the counter about you and she doesn't like you either. If I hadn't screwed up this relationship I would tell the lady I screwed it up with about you and I'm sure she wouldn't like you either. Now I feel much better. Thank you sweetheart.

  I never picked up the damn gun. I just said I thought about it in times like this. Shit, I fuck up when I am trying to explain how I fucked up. I should get some kind of damn prize for this post.

  moman,
  Thanks man, you saved me. If I ever do off myself I will definitely will my brilliant mind to you. I hope you don't mind that it may have a big hole in it.

  Riz,
  Don't you think it is about time we met in person so your husband and I can sit around and drink while we make fun of you? Then you can tell all the other people on the board how old my picture really is. That whole squirrel up my pants eating lunch thread was well over a year ago. That is back when I had decided to keep women out of my life and I was as happy as hell. You have a sick mind and a long memory. How's the weather in Salem?

  Amanda,
  If I was ten years younger and you were ten years older I would probably be trying to screw your life up right now. That hug will come someday. Just don't get all excited if I'm not wearing a bra.

  Alligator,
  Do I love myself? Well.......ya, I have never had problems doing that. It's other people dealing with my bullshit and loving me where my problem comes in. Smith and Wesson model 19 with a six inch barrel. If you are gonn'a do it, do it right the first time. I'm not going to do it. I just think about it when I feel like shit and get tired of dealing with my own stupidity and ingrained problems in life. The screwed up religion started this psychological mindfuck. I now have had it thrown in my face and it is my job to try and fix it. I just feel bad for the few people who have had to deal with it because of me. I'll get it figured out someday and I will be fine. I know I will always look back at this lady and think what could have been. Maybe she will too someday. Life goes on.

  Spaznik,
  Using you guys for therapy is like using gasoline to put out a fire. It give a whole new meaning to that worm and fuzzy feeling. I don't think any of us can solve each others problems but at least we can understand a little.

  Farker,
  You are just saying that cuz you want me in that unnatural way you keep talking about. Sure the whole board knows we are friends. I have been trying to hide that fact for over a year now.

  Who in the hell told you I was a genius? Who in the hell told you that you were a genius? Wait...... Oh ya, that night we went out drinking together. What was her name again?....Bambi? You got it wrong my good friend. This lady hasn't done anything but make me a better person and force me into dealing with my own bullshit. It is me dealing with her bullshit and trying to see if it is truly bullshit or just minor calf shit that is the problem. Is it calf shit and I am turning it into full blown bullshit? That is my dilemma. What ever happens I am going to concentrate on my bullshit because I know that mine is full blown bullshit. I need to deal with this for me, not her and me. I think her and me have gone beyond the acceptable level of bullshit acceptance that is measured by the normal scale. The hell with the deer, I'm going to go shoot a damn bull.

  Big hug and a three pat on the back guy non sexual hug kind of thing.

  Just2laws,
  This board is a strange and wonderful place. I am feeling much better now. If anyone has been helped by these posts they owe me five bucks!

  Thanks again everyone. I am feeling much better now. Tomorrow I am going to go shoot some pool with my dad. Knocking him off for a few bucks should get me on the right track and solve everything.

  Dave

  If any more post come up after this one I will get to them tomorrow. I still haven't answered the e-mails. I should have blown my brains out. My fingers would me most grateful.
• 

  DannyBear

  Dave, Dave, Dave,

  You did this to help Joelbear didn't you? You sly devil.

  Well damn man, if you didn't help him, you sure as hell did me!

  Iam not buying Farkel's analysis that you guys are freaks. Talented nerds now that may have some merit.

  You did it, you cut right through all the bullshit, and got right down to the nitty gritty. I so vividly remember the very first door my mother made me knock on. I was somewhere around the age of 5 and could barely put two or three coherent sentenaces together. But I can still remember every word my mother taught me to say "Hello, my name is Danny and I have the latest copies of the Watchtower and Awake magazines, they are 5cents each, will you take them.(?)" I was lucky that lady was very kind and even smiled when she paid me the dime. I can remember shaking and looking up at my mom for support.

  30 yrs later I was basically giving the same presentation. I hated every moment of door to door activity from that day forward. Oh yeah I could put on the happy face, take the lead, do all the stuff a good jw boy should do, but the reality of the sheer humiliation, the fear of once again being so damned different from everyone else........absolutely requires for your own sanity....that one adopt an attitude of superiority.

  It's funny just from reading your telling story, it gels in my mind, why my entire jw family is the way they are. They had to be tough, they had to assume they were better, they had to take a black and white approach to life, it is in fact the only way one can withstand the humiliation. Flag salute, national anthem, birthday's, christmas, jeez man we had to reject every solitary thing that is considered by the entire world to be normal in our lives, and yet still make an appearance of being normal?????????????????? How the hell did we do it?

  Thanks Dave for opening up your heart to all of us. You may not be getting any sage advice (except maybe from Farkel) but you sure did a number on this guys mind.

  As to women. I alway's have loved them, even when I was 5, I must have smiled just right.........the lady did take the mags. So I wont bore you with my story. I have an ex who is still a jw, but even more screwed up now than when we were together. Not really any consilation, for I don't wish that kind of mind warp......even on her!

  All I can say is when I met T, 20 yrs ago TODAY...... I saw her long auburn hair tossing back accross the dance floor, sitting there smoking Pall Mall's, and when she turned her blue eye's to me, it was all over.

  T and I never did get married, and I think it is because of what you pointed out so well. She has said yes to my question.....would you still marry me now?.....almost every year we have been together, but for some reason, I can't get up enough ball's to do it. Iam a woosy eh? Or could it be that Iam afraid of rejection? I think so.

  Dave your a gem. Your words here today on our aniversary, helped me understand myself even more, so you also helped T. Thanks from us both.

  Danny
• 

  OUTLAW

  Hey Dave, you,me,and a lot of us are dyed in the wool,dub kids..A lot of us went through a hell most can`t imagine..Now it affects our relationships with people..If your realy interested in this lady,explain that to her..The feeling`s of suicide? Somethings got to die,and it`s not you..What in your life do you want to end?..Just recently I have moved to a place way up north to get away from my old life,it helped..It helped a lot..I have started a new life..When I come down your way,and I will .We`re going out for some lunch and brewskies,LOL!...OUTLAW
• 

  avishai

  Dave, thank you for so elequently & bravely putting down what so many of us have felt.

  You did hit the nail on the head. I know your not going to kill yourself, butI'd like to say a couple of things about suicide & the jw's.

  Ive read about several murder suicides in the past few years that involved the jws, or fundamentalist religion. Robert Bryant. Christian Longo. There are more, but I don't know the names off hand. I also know someone very close to me who was going to kill herself & her children as a result of the jws, & only a twist of fate kept her from doing so. It's a problem that needs addressed. I think I'll start a thread on it soon. Thanks.

  P.s I thought about doing myself in every night for 5 yrs. until I moved from the NW to sunny CA, two weeks later the thoughts were gone. Just a thought
• 

  MrMoe

  Amanda,
  If I was ten years younger and you were ten years older I would probably be trying to screw your life up right now. That hug will come someday. Just don't get all excited if I'm not wearing a bra.

  oh screw this nice mushy love-ur-my-buddy-forever stuff. *pinches ur cute behind* WOOT WOOT HUBBA HUBBA Don't u know I have a male mentality?
• 

  ugg

  just wanted you to know you are not alone... i understand to where you are coming from...and i do not pray,,but i am sending you lots of hugs....hope it helps some....HHHHHUUUUUGGGGGSSS!
• 

  refiners fire

  Hey Dave that is the first one of your posts I ever read right the way thru.

  Damn interesting read. My brother is one of these people that bottles everything up. He is 44 and only just now beginning to express his feelings about things. Me, well Im the opposite I always let everything hang out and got stomped for that. What can I say? life is hell, thats the truth. But these days I sit as a patient ear listening to the problems of others and acting as a wise fatherly adviser. It sure helps me to get out of my own little problems and feelings of misery and despair at life.