Thoughts

by Wolfy 14 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Wolfy

  Doing the "fade" thing is like a slow, painful torture to me. I have to do the fade because of my current circumstances (wife being a JW but starting to doubt/both our families very strong JW's). It makes me angry at having wasted so much time and energy (and money) being a JW. It becomes so ingrained into your mind and life that I am afraid it will take years before I can get over it(if that is really possible). I get upset with myself if I hear some news report and it automatically comes to mind "oh..it really is the time of the end". Anyone else experience this?

  Everyone has a right to their own beliefs and I respect that. People have moved on from being a JW to another religion and have found happiness and peace. I am happy for those who are able to do this. I have grown to distrust religion in general albeit from my experiece as a JW.I consider myself an agnostic.Does anyone else feel like this?What did you do?

  I do believe that there are forces other then humans on the earth as I have experienced too many unexplainable things in my life(What those forces are..well I really don't know). I feel like I am changing though and feel a bit lost and disillusioned. Being a JW gives a person many "certainties" in life(JW lif that is) that were somewhat reassuring. For me it was the resurrection. It was comforting to think that if something happened and I died I would probably be back.Now?What will happen when I die?I don't know and that instills alot of fear in me. Being just over 30 I feel like I have wasted the better part of my youth on JWism. Now I am at a cross-roads of sorts in life and I will admit it is scary. Most of the foundation of my belief system has disappeared. I am scared for my family and very sad to see people base their hopes and futures on a false foundation as I once did. I guess the reason why I am writing this post is to see if anyone feels or has felt the same as I do. I'm not sure if everyone will understand my thoughts and what I am trying to say. I have a difficult time putting my thoughts into words at times.:)

  I haven't posted much on here but I respect this board and (most) of the posters and comments I read on here. I realize many of you have gone through alot being and leaving the JW's and I would appreciate your thoughts and comments.

  Thanks for reading:)

  Wolfy
• 

  Jesika

  Wolfy,

  I completely understand what you are going through. I got out at a young age, but sometimes I think to myself-------What if they ARE right after all??? Watching the news brings this to mind. But then I remember back when President Bush Sr. started making a reference to "A new world order". My father (an elder and reg pioneer) would sit watching on pins and needles just convinced the end was at hand. Well here we are a decade or more later---and nothing.

  I can't bring myself to join any religion. I went and explored some, but couldn't be comfortable in any of them. I believe in my conscience and that is good enough for me. I am a good person and have a big heart. I am not perfect, but I think if there is a god who would kill me for not being a certain religion--------well, kill me cause I want no part of such a heartless god.

  It takes time to get to where you want to be, wherever that may be, but rest assured, you have alot of support here, and taking baby steps is OK!!

  Sending you a big hug!!!!!!!!!!!

  Jesika
• 

  Gopher

  Wolfy,

  Welcome here to the discussion board. Many of us have gone through the exact thoughts and emotions you are facing right now. I was "raised from infancy" as an indoctrinated one in the JW organization, and it took a chain of events that culminated two years ago (at age 39) to finally get me to leave.

  The tendency then is to want to replace one set of beliefs with another. But I found other religions lacking real answers. Religion only seems to be good at raising questions, but not at answering them.

  Then with further research and thought, the Bible itself came under suspicion, especially the Hebrew Scriptures. They reflected nothing about a "loving" God, and it seems that the WT Society's explanation that we are awaiting the resolution of some universal issues while we ourselves need to sit and wait and suffer, and watch much of humankind suffer, makes you wonder whether there really is a God who actively takes an interest in individuals here on earth.

  So the conclusions you've reached are based on reason rather than a blind faith. Keep reading, keep researching, you'll come to understand what is true and logical for you to believe.
• 

  SPAZnik

  Yep. I've felt many of the things you express.
  
  Welcome Wolfy.

  SPAZ
• 

  Kingpawn

  Wolfy,

  I am afraid it will take years before I can get over it(if that is really possible). I get upset with myself if I hear some news report and it automatically comes to mind "oh..it really is the time of the end". Anyone else experience this?

  I started doing this in 1984, a few years after I was d'f. The rise of the Moral Majority was the event I looked to begin "the big A" but I overlooked that it would take more than them to do it.

  Now that I see the antics of the Taliban, American fundamentalists, and the WBTS, it makes their conclusions seem more believeable about "Babylon the Great" (in the WBTS's case, a self-fulfilling prophecy maybe? What a downer for them if that's the first one they get right and it turns out God lumped them in with Christendom).

  Several people here speak highly of a book by Steve(?) Hassan called "Combatting Cult Mind Control" and Ray Franz's book "Crisis of Conscience." Many times Amazon doesn't have these titles in stock, so people are told to try http://www.commentarypress.com for a copy. I've also found listings for CofC on www.abebooks.com too. Prices are better than Amazon's many times on both sites. They might be very helpful to you.

  No need to be upset when you automatically make that connection with news events. A soldier can have "flashbacks" for years and automatically react to certain sights, sounds, or smells that remind s/he of wartime experiences.
• 

  rebel

  Hi Wolfy,

  I feel the same at the moment. I am trying to ease myself away without causing my family too much grief. I don't think that JWs have it entirely wrong - much of what they teach is scriptural. But there is an awful lot that isn't. You can study the Bible yourself - there are so many books out there that help you to understand the Bible if that's what you want. I just can't stand the hypocrisy in the society - also the unforgiving, arrogant attitude really gets me. Plus the way you are judged according to how many hours you go out knocking on doors - never mind anything else you are doing in your life to be a good Christian - it all hinges on hours of field service. Plus - the most arrogant, unforgiving people are elders and they are suposed to be setting us an example! I think there are genuine people throughout the earth who love God and want to live in peace and happiness, whenever that may be. The best way to see if someone is genuine is by the way they act - if they are kind, caring, helpful, non-judgemental etc. Never mind whether they are pioneering, an elder or MS etc - that means diddly-squat to me!

  Just my thoughts - not having too good a time at the hands of my elders at the moment!

  xxR
• 

  outbackaussie

  {{hugs}} Wolfy

  It can certainly be a challenging and painful road to walk. I had the advantage of a loving and supportive partner who was my sounding-board, my comfort, my strength. Now that many years have passed, I believe that when you can take an objective look at yourself...your personal value system, your attitudes, and feel confident in your ability to make decisions and take responsibility for your actions...you have really made great leaps in "recovering" from being a JW.

  I hope you find peace soon.

  Tiffany
• 

  Wolfy

  Wow! Thank you all for responding. It is comforting to know that there are other that feel the same as I do. I haven't been to a meeting in months and I found it very hard to sit there the last time I went. My wife keeps talking about going her being more regular and myself going back. I love my wife so much and she is the love of my life. It's enough to drive a person insane. There is a big family reunion this weekend and she wants to go the the hall. Last time I went I got into an arguement with a MS.:) Yup.It's going to be a long painful road.

  I used to really love being a JW. I was a Pioneer and an MS. Dad was an Elder. It's almost like you've been cheated on once you realize the sham that JW's really are. I've been coming to this board for awhile now and read and digest what I have read. I guess a part of me hoped that everyone here was wrong and that the JW's still had it right. That I haven't wasted all those years. Well..I have wasted alot of time and while at first I was very angry I now find myself very sad. Thank you all for your comments and plan on spending some more time on here.

  Thanks again

  Wolfy
• 

  Scully

  Hi Wolfy:

  Wow! Thank you all for responding. It is comforting to know that there are other that feel the same as I do. I haven't been to a meeting in months and I found it very hard to sit there the last time I went. My wife keeps talking about going her being more regular and myself going back. I love my wife so much and she is the love of my life. It's enough to drive a person insane. There is a big family reunion this weekend and she wants to go the the hall. Last time I went I got into an arguement with a MS.:) Yup.It's going to be a long painful road.

  I can really relate to your situation. There are some other here on the board in the same situation. I was fortunate enough that my husband was willing to investigate the material I'd found about the JWs, and he was ready to quit about 6 months after I did. It also helped immensely that the congregation treated me like dirt while I was suffering from postpartum depression - he saw with his own eyes that there was none of the "love among yourselves" that Jesus said would identify his followers. What worked for me in the interim, though, was the agree to disagree arrangement we had. Hubby was not allowed to get on my case about my decision to become inactive, and I was not allowed to get on his case about the JWs being hypocrites, false prophets, etc. It became our "no fly zone" for about 3 months, but we still did talk about THE BIBLE, and then he began seeing the JWs "love" in all its glory *LOL*, and he started asking me questions about his own doubts. I guess that makes me an apostate in the true sense of the word, because when I left, I ended up taking four other people with me: my husband and our three children.

  Where in Canada do you live?? I'm in Ottawa.

  Love, Scully
• 

  Wolfy

  Thanks for your thoughts Scully. I live in the Hamilton area but don't want to get too specific:). My wife does have doubts but gets upset when I talk "negative" about the JW's. For her sake I try not too but it is a very difficult to do. She does see a lack of love in the hall and she doesn't understand some of the "rules" the org has. She is a 4th gen. Witness so there is alot of pressure from her family. We do talk about things religion wise but it is difficult to do.:(

  I want to say thanks to everyone for their kind words. I don't know many of you but for some reason I feel better knowing others are or have gone through what I have.

  If I do end up going to the hall on Sunday I wonder what type of reception I will get..I have since grown a goatee and my wife says I look evil..lol.

  Thanks again

  Wolfy