by deceit 12 Replies latest jw friends
Oh I'm sorry, that was supposed to be funny?
Sheesh! JW humor I never got and never will.
It just makes me sad that they can make all this crap up. How do they know they will be naked, how do they know they can't eat meat? Don't they realize most of their converts come from trailor parks? (at least they did in the territory I was in).
Whatever, we are not amused.
RE: Notes for Newly Resurrected Ones
Aha.
Brothers, Please review the following items with those newly
resurrected.
Ahaha.
This information has been compiled based on reports we are getting from down there on the Earth. We need to get some control here, brothers.
AhahahaHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA! LMFAO!
1. When you were resurrected into your new body, you were in the buff and clothes weren't part of the package. Well, now that you're breathing again, please put some clothes on. You are excited to be alive again as
God intended, but please - this may be the paradise, but it isn't the Garden of Eden. There are six million others here, and the image of you running around with the wind whistling through your ... whatever ... please cover up.
That would probably suck. I mean, there wouldn't be any porn magazines anymore, so what would all those people take to the bathroom with them when "nature called"? Having "loads" of naked people running around is a much better option in a pornography-free Society.
2. Now that you're here, you're anxious to build yourself a new home, and that's commendable. However, there are some guidelines we all must adhere to for the benefit of all, and this particularly applies to those
of you who formerly lived in certain parts of the United States. NO TRAILERS. Does everyone understand that? Houses can be made of wood or stone, but no mobile homes. After all, trailer parks were one of the reasons why God wiped out the old system.
Addendum: Mullets are not allowed either. Especially not the curly kind with the peroxided buff front bit!
3. With regards to food, we must ask you newly resurrected ones to please get over the idea of eating meat. This is particularly important in view of all the animals walking around now. NO, you cannot have a hamburger. Again, we don't mean to target certain ones of you, but NO SQUIRREL either. Or fried chicken. You will have to leave the dogs and cats alone too. Look, everyone is going through adjustments to be here, it's not just you. After a while, you will get used to vegetables, really.
Sheesh, don't you just hate it when they single out the Korean Brothers?
4. Many of you are anxious to get in touch with long lost loved ones, but you're going to have to be patient. There is no email anymore, so those of you who were alive in the last days of the old system, you're just going to have to rely on word of mouth and letters for now. You can't go into chat rooms anymore either. We don't have any plans for anything resembling the internet until at least after Satan is removed from his abyss and destroyed, so you're looking at least 1,000 years.
Well at least by then there will hopefully be a decent version of Windows available *ducks*
5. While we're speaking of technology, for those of you who lived in the 1900s, television is also out for now. Do you know how ugly the New World would look with antennas sticking up all over the place?
It already looks pretty ugly to start with, what with all them bones of dead people lying around! FFS!
7. One of the blessings of the new world is peace with the animal realm, so it is sad that some are engaging in practical jokes. On at least three occasions, friends have evacuated the water and beaches of the shore when someone on land thought it would be funny to yell "Shark!" This put a good scare in everyone until they realized that sharks are now as timid as minnows. It may have been funny watching your brothers and sisters run from the water, but this isn't loving is it?
Nope. Sharks can still hurt humans, even if they are as "timid as minnows". Dopes. You forget that the skin of some sharks is rougher than the roughest sandpaper and can take your skin right off. WHAT a load this is.
Have you ever seen a satellite dish in any of the Society's New World illustrations? We promised to get you here, and you made it - that's great. But you're not going to be able to catch up on all the episodes ER that you missed after you died.
Yeah, now all you're allowed to do is read Watchtower crod and sing Kingdom Songs by candlelight! How many times do you think you can repeat those 100+ songs before you jump off the nearest cliff? Hey, speaking of jumping off cliffs...
8. This may be the New World, but no, you still cannot fly.
LOL! Not with all those heavy bookbags weighing you down at least!
Anyone attempting to do so by jumping off a high cliff will not be saved by angels.
Yep, them angels are too busy taking care of the Annointed, loserly Earth publishers!
This warning is the only one you'll receive, so please don't try this. The Master has stated anyone who does this will NOT receive another resurrection.
And, on an unrelated note, the Master has not detailed whether Milk and Cookies will be provided after Satan is defeated.
9. In the old world, almost everyone, when asked "What do you want to do in the New World", has said, "learn to play an instrument." Therefore, many are doing this today. However, please realize that you're not a very good musician yet. Can you keep it down please? Close the windows? Shut the doors? Turn down the amp?
WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY GOING TO GET ELECTRICITY FOR THE AMPS FROM? Who wrote this crod anyway? Seems they aren't all that Spiritually Mature (TM).
Someday you may perfect this, but you will not be perfect for at least 1,000 years, and neither will your playing. Consideration people - that's all we're asking.
In the meantime, considering the lack of batteries for vibrators, there are other things you can do with those flutes and bassoons. Enjoy.
10. Finally, we're all happy to be here in the New World and there is much work to do. Everyone is required to work, and we do have sufficient time off to rest and recreate. Yet, it has been reported that some brothers have attempted to call in and take SICK DAYS.
No, THIS is funny! Seems the Brothers are up to their old tricks again! This isn't Bethel y'know!
Brothers, there are NO SICK DAYS. This is the New World, remember? No one will say, "I am sick." You may have been able to use this excuse for your worldly employer, but it won't be accepted here.
Plus, we still have to burn that giant pile of Smurf toys we collected after the Big A. Anybody got some matches, or possibly a small nuclear weapon?
Now, we hope everyone will cooperate with these points for the benefit of everyone.
Everyone cooperate for everyone! Oh, and do whatever we say, or else!
Addendum: Mullets are not allowed either. Especially not the curly kind with the peroxided buff front bit!
Lay off the mullet, dude!
Mike.
