Was Public Reproof Traumatic for You?

by zenpunk 26 Replies latest jw friends

  • zenpunk
    zenpunk

    I was reproved at the age of 17 and, believe me it was a nightmare at home. First, my parents felt such shame over me - I was such an evil disappointment to them. I would hear my mother talk on the phone to other sisters about how sad she was about the way I had turned out. Then, everyone else speculated as to what I could have done. Sisters took me out in service to grill me about it. The farm boys in Wallkill put me down on their undateable sisters list. But the saddest part by far was the true shame my parents felt - I still remember their faces at that committee meeting. And, what had I done? When the elders once asked me if another sister was sleeping around, I said No, even though the answer was yes and I knew it - I just didn't want to lose our friendship (since she would probably be disfellowshipped). Unfortunately, the truth came out later and the elders came crashing down on me like a load of bricks. The committees were so traumatic - what a horrible, cultish event to go through at any age. You'd think I was a murderer.

    What makes me saddest is the fact that my parents still have that look of shame toward me on their faces - even though this was over 10 years ago - because now I'm gone for good.

    So, have any of you felt the same way?

  • refiners fire
    refiners fire

    Well it will be interesting to see how many have been thru the process.

    I had the honour to be publicly reproved at 18 and was the first in my congregation to recieve the penalty. So it must have come in about 1973 /74. What can I say. Total public humiliation after confessing to the elders. I was reproved because of theft. People registering shock all around me as the announcement was made, and, of course, a number of people avoided me to a degree after the event.Some avoided me completely. I was SO gratefull for all the love and support I recieved, especially from the elders. Naturally, I thought I recieved no support because God didnt like me.

  • jack2
    jack2

    zenpunk, that was a sad account indeed. I was never reproved publicly, but the announcement of my removal as an elder was difficult to hear. But, hey, I made some reprove and df announcements myself, so I got a taste of my own medicine.

    It was not until my deletion was announced that I was hit with how hard it must be for others to have their name announced. To be frank, it would be great if every elder had his name announced sometime in life, so they can understand how hard it is.

    I feel personally that all it does is make matters worse, especially for a younger person. The guilt you and your parents felt was a lot to have to deal with I am sure. And there you were, the 'object of their shame' as it were. Young JWs nowadays do so much behind their parents backs because of that. Rather than be open and honest with parents, which would nip a lot of potential problems in the bud, many JW kids sneak around and as a result get into some real big difficulty before their parents find out.

    Edited by - jack2 on 13 November 2002 15:51:58

  • Vivamus
    Vivamus

    Zenpunk, that was sad. I'm sorry for your pain. It's a sad thing when you look back to your life, and have these memories of pain, humiliation, and heartache. Even the good memories, are filled with the pain of not being able to relive moments like that, just because we left the cult. I'm sorry.

    To answer your question, I myself never had any public reproof, except when you count being DF. I was so good a witness, it's sickening thinking back on it. I never did anything wrong. Yuk. And the one time I did screw up, I got instantly DF.

  • outoftheorg
    outoftheorg

    It didn't take public reproof.

    To begin with I was shunned and ignored because of rumors started by the elders among themselves and spread to others. It was because I didn't go out in the service or many meetings anymore. I would see elders talking with each other and glancing at me during the times I did attend. That is sure incouraging. They and others went out of their way to let me know I was not wanted.

    I accepted my df'd son into my family home when he moved to the same town we lived in. Until he found a place to live. This is no ones business but mine but they stuck their nose in it and got told to back off.

    When my kids got into trouble I would not go to the elders because it was none of their business it was FAMILY business only.

    The punishment and guilt or grief for a childs mistakes should stay in the family and the decisions do not belong in some public forum involving a bunch of nitwit elders. The public involvement of others outside the family with anouncements to the cong. etc. causes too much shame and embarassment for a child or minor. It also tells the minor that their parents can not be trusted when they see the parents turn them in for what are usually the things many people do and are considered more as lessons we learn the hard way when growing up .

    Outoftheorg

  • shera
    shera

    It really does make me feel sad for you all...(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))) BIg hugs to you all.

  • DakotaRed
    DakotaRed

    My exwife and I receive private reproof once, right after we were married. Never received public reproof, though. But, I found it to very ridiculous, myself. Imagine, I couldn't handle the mikes, read at book study or answer at the Watchtower study. If that is a punishment, I would love to see what they consider a reward.

    Lew W

  • NeonMadman
    NeonMadman

    I was publicly reproved in 1973 for fudging my pioneer hours (I was actually putting in 95 or 96 hours most months and claiming 100). I went instantly, in the space of a 15-second announcement, from being the golden boy of the congregation, a pioneer and MS whom everybody wanted to have visit and go out in service with, and study with their teenagers, etc. to being a virtual pariah that virtually no one wanted to be seen with.

    It was devastating. I descended into a severe depression that I just lived with for many years. It got worse after I got married to a JW woman (and around the same time started to notice the cracks in Watchtower teaching). I ended up taking Zoloft for many years.

    After my JW ex-wife left me, and I finally broke all ties with the JW's, the depression went away, and I stopped taking Zoloft over a weekend (bad idea, if you've been on it any length of time I'd recommend you don't cold-turkey it). Then I married my high school sweetheart, and life is good now.

  • zenpunk
    zenpunk

    That's a terrible story Neon - I'm glad all is alright now! I too was depressed for years, thinking I was so unworthy.

  • troucul
    troucul

    I had the same exact experience zen...Got totally shitfaced at 18...somehow the elders found out about it...my future brother-in-law was removed from being a m.s., I got taken off the mikes...my parents were so ashamed of me. I remember going out in service the following saturday and just hung my head in shame while we were on a coffee break, while my parents tried to maintain composure during a conversation with other dubs that were there. I know it sucks. Try not to let it get to you.

    You know what tho? It was one of the best things that happened to me! A little pain to help you see the light is not so bad...

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