Here is who can sing the blues.

by happysunshine 5 Replies latest social humour

  • happysunshine

    Many blues songs begin with "Woke up this mornin'..." This is to differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who sleep past noon. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    The nice thing about the blues is that once you've written the first line, you're pretty much done with the second line too.

    The blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

    Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes of transportation include:

    Greyhound bus southbound train broke down pickup truck walkin' Unacceptable modes of transportation for the blues: any non-U.S. car (Volvo, Fiat, Honda, etc.) SUV touring bike yacht motor scooter roller blades Teenagers should not sing the blues until they're old enough to get the electric chair if they shoot a man in Memphis.

    You can have the blues in New York City. St. Louis, Chicago, Kansas City and Des Moines are other good blues towns. You cannot have the blues in Vail, the Hamptons or any town whose name ends in "Beach." There is no blues anyplace it doesn't rain. You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.

    You have a right to sing the blues if:

    you're blind you shot a man in Memphis you can't be satisfied But not if: you once were blind but now can see you shot an 85 at golf your Dad left you a trust fund Good places for the blues: a highway a jailhouse an empty bed the bottom of a whiskey glass a freight train Bad places for the blues: Yellowstone National Park the country club gallery openings indoor tennis courts No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be very old, and you slept in it.

    If you ask for water and yo' baby give you gasoline, that's the blues. Other blues drinks include: wine whiskey muddy water breakfast schnapps (homemade only!!!) Blues beverages do not include: any drink with a little umbrella any wine kosher for Passover Yoo Hoo (all flavors) Jello shots Picking a blues name: start with an infirmity (Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot...) OR the name of a city (Memphis, Chicago or Detroit work; forget about San Francisco or Ft. Lauderdale.) add Willie, Johnny or Joe OR pick the name of a fruit (Lemon, Peach, Apple, etc., but not kiwi or mango.) pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, Roosevelt, etc.) Some Blues names for women:

    Sadie Big Mama Bessie Fat River Dumpling Persons with names like Ashley, Brittanny, Chad, Kimberly, Chip, Cissy, Brad, Sierra, or Rainbow may not sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

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  • nilfun

    Many blues songs begin with "Woke up this mornin'..

    That's funny, I thought they started with

    Once with con-fu-sion our sad hearts were filled. Drink-ing the cup false

    re-li-gion dis-tilled

    Great post, Happysunshine!

  • COMF

    Adlibbing the blues is pretty easy, too, if you watch what syllable ends your lyric. For example:

    I got rats in mah kitchen, roaches on the flo
    I got rats in mah kitchen, roaches on the flo

    Okay, immediately you have all kinds of opportunities for a third line:

    Since mah baby lef', dis house ain't no home no mo
    Got all kind of vermin, 'cep' mah baby... she gone out the do
    An' all the food in mah Frigidaire is nasty and rotton to the co (just like my baby)
    Ah wont mah baby back... make thangs lak dey was befo
    Wish mah baby come back... but she gone fo good, dat lowdown skanky ho

    But if, while adlibbing, you make an unfortunate choice of ending syllable in your first/second line:

    I got rats in my kitchen, roaches in mah toaster

    ...then your obligatory rhyming third line is going to be a toughie.

    Mah baby done lef'... she at Six Flags ridin' da rollercoaster
    I'm 'on' write me a post about it, and go ta jw dot com and post 'er
    I'm so mad at mah baby, if she come back I git me a kabob stick an' roast 'er (if she don' git me first)
    I cain't think up no lyrics... this song's gittin' me loster and loster

  • happysunshine

    Nicely Done!

  • SPAZnik


  • scootergirl

    OMG Comf.........LOL! You are way too funny!

    ~Christy of the "blues hound" class

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