Many blues songs begin with "Woke up this mornin'..." This is to differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who sleep past noon. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
The nice thing about the blues is that once you've written the first line, you're pretty much done with the second line too.
The blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes of transportation include:
Greyhound bus southbound train broke down pickup truck walkin' Unacceptable modes of transportation for the blues: any non-U.S. car (Volvo, Fiat, Honda, etc.) SUV touring bike yacht motor scooter roller blades Teenagers should not sing the blues until they're old enough to get the electric chair if they shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the blues in New York City. St. Louis, Chicago, Kansas City and Des Moines are other good blues towns. You cannot have the blues in Vail, the Hamptons or any town whose name ends in "Beach." There is no blues anyplace it doesn't rain. You can't have no blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.
You have a right to sing the blues if:
you're blind you shot a man in Memphis you can't be satisfied But not if: you once were blind but now can see you shot an 85 at golf your Dad left you a trust fund Good places for the blues: a highway a jailhouse an empty bed the bottom of a whiskey glass a freight train Bad places for the blues: Yellowstone National Park the country club gallery openings indoor tennis courts No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be very old, and you slept in it.
If you ask for water and yo' baby give you gasoline, that's the blues. Other blues drinks include: wine whiskey muddy water breakfast schnapps (homemade only!!!) Blues beverages do not include: any drink with a little umbrella any wine kosher for Passover Yoo Hoo (all flavors) Jello shots Picking a blues name: start with an infirmity (Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot...) OR the name of a city (Memphis, Chicago or Detroit work; forget about San Francisco or Ft. Lauderdale.) add Willie, Johnny or Joe OR pick the name of a fruit (Lemon, Peach, Apple, etc., but not kiwi or mango.) pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, Roosevelt, etc.) Some Blues names for women:
Sadie Big Mama Bessie Fat River Dumpling Persons with names like Ashley, Brittanny, Chad, Kimberly, Chip, Cissy, Brad, Sierra, or Rainbow may not sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
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