What am I letting myself in for?

by Kingpawn 4 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Kingpawn

  Many of you know I'm in a marriage that sucks and I plan to leave. I'm thinking of listing my reasons to a therapist, asking if they see any flaws in my reasoning, anything I seem to be glossing over, am I rationalizing, you get the idea.

  If they see nothing wrong, I plan to start making phone calls to get a lawyer. Here's where those of you who are divorced, especially the guys, can help.

  What extra stresses am I to prepare for? Some are obvious, like new financial obligations, solitude, irritability from not being able to keep my mind off it perhaps, long court delays perhaps, though that will cut down on the eventual child support, and isn't the system screwed up when you have to game it like that to save a few bucks--what am I overlooking?

  We have two children, one of whom is a junior in high school and will be 18 next September. Joint property includes one house, one checking account, and one credit card--she uses it, I don't.

  I know my being gay (and I'm wondering about that* recently) will be used against me. I'm ready to concede ownership of the house, let her have the one credit card, and the checking account. Give up child custody too--I'm not really sure I'd be welcome around here by them afterwards anyway.

  Child support wouldn't be for long far as I know. Solitude doesn't bother me...stupid as it sounds, I think I blindly took my half-sister's advice and got married out of lonliness (I think the family knew I was bi at the time). Can't keep my mind off of my home life...at work I barely think about it. Some aspects of my job don't allow the time and distraction, and I've got a temper anyway.

  Comments?

  * Lately strong heterosexual urges have resurfaced in me. I say "re" because it happened last December for a few weeks and then died out. In dreams/fantasies/whatever I see myself being romantic and being sexual at times. I plan to ask if it means (1) I'm gay and having issues with it, (2) I'm bi and the "straight" side of me's returned with a vengeance, or (3)have I grossly misread things going on that I thought indicated I was gay? Like no sexual interest in sex with women, which I hadn't had before and which I assumed was pretty good proof of where I stood. Another possibility I don't mention to be funny...the power of prayer by others, like my wife?

  Part of it came from the thread where people were asked if they had a happy marriage. Maybe it put a bug in my ear, maybe it made me realize what I didn't have and suddenly I missed it...I don't know.

  I just know I'm tired.
• 

  breeze

  Kingpawn....

  I am not an expert in these matters, but have been married to the same women for 35+ years.

  I respond to the divorce, by saying that if you plan to re-marry in the future, where will you search for a new mate? I have thought about the possiblity in the past of leaving my family arrangement and seeking a new relationship. The pronblem that I always come to deal with immediately is, with whom will I replace this mate?

  I sincerely believe that replacing someone that has been a part of your life for many years is impossible. You will simply trade this steady replationship, with someone who will just bring a new set of problems and issues.

  The gay part of your argument you seem to be struggling with also. I have a brother that traded his JW world for the gay life, and he is miserable. He is gay and remains in a relationship with a gay partner. He has been dealt with by the org and persons out of the org very strongly. My son-in-laws and kids don't have anything to do with him and they are not going to any meetings and haven't ever really shown any real interest in the borg.

  Things will change consideralbly in the next few years for you. If you have a child that is 18, soon there will be offspring and then your relationship with your family will be different anyway. When they reach 18 or so, the children will be old enough to make their own legal decision about who they want in their life etc.

  The financial part of it alone will make your life very different? Your kids will always view you differently, especially if you go the gay direction?

  So, if you arn't in a situation that is dangerous to you physically, I would reconsider and try to stay in it for a while.

  I hope this helps.

  EDIT _ RESPOND TO TIRED:After living with same person for a few years we are all tired of the relationship. This things change up and down over the years. Find something with your mate or outside of the marraige that is interesting to you and do that for a while, try golf that will suck all of your extra energy and time?

  BREEZE

  Edited by - breeze on 13 October 2002 8:49:26
• 

  TTBoy

  I can only give you financial advice.

  Don't be so giving because it's not going to be returned from your wife.

  BEFORE YOU SERVE THE PAPERS

  Cancel the credit card - if you have credit left she can go spend it all you have to pay for half.

  Freeze your checking account - put a hold on it - what ever. She can withdraw all the funds and leave you high and dry.

  I know of someone that this happened to. Things can get real ugly. Talk to your lawyer and have everything ready BEFORE you let your wife know what's going on.

  You are entitled to half as well. Who's name is the car/s in? You could be left without a vehicle.

  Take Care/Good Luck

  TT
• 

  Kingpawn

  Breeze,

  I respond to the divorce, by saying that if you plan to re-marry in the future, where will you search for a new mate?

  Maybe at work, and then again I may not at all--at least for a while.

  I sincerely believe that replacing someone that has been a part of your life for many years is impossible. You will simply trade this steady replationship, with someone who will just bring a new set of problems and issues.

  Possible. I'm not excusing myself from blame for what's happened. I've been thinking about what went wrong and use that as a basis for not making the same mistakes in the future.

  The gay part of your argument you seem to be struggling with also.

  I honestly don't know if I'm "struggling" with it or not. I had assumed I was accepting it quite well. And if someone had predicted in March I'd be feeling this way now, I'd've said it had happened before and might again, but I wouldn't know why it did before and/or why it would again.

  All I can say now is I have the greatest reluctance to read gay-themed e-mail, visit my gay-related Yahoo groups, correspond with known gays/bis online, etc. I see the same contrast in personalities between "then" and "now" exactly as I did when I was religious and later backslidden and "out." That's why I seriously consider the idea that prayer by others is having an effect on my life. I've taken to reading the Bible more (my tries at getting answers to questions about Wicca got me more responses from people here than anywhere else, even groups for that purpose alone I'd joined briefly) and used the SelectSmart website (see "Q and A on choosing the right religion" thread if interested in knowing what I'm referring to) to find a group in line with my pre-existing beliefs...an interest in religion I haven't had in years.

  Things will change consideralbly in the next few years for you. If you have a child that is 18, soon there will be offspring and then your relationship with your family will be different anyway. When they reach 18 or so, the children will be old enough to make their own legal decision about who they want in their life etc.

  My oldest shows about as much interest in boys as she does driving--none. The youngest has the interest and also sometimes the personality of a pit bull.

  They haven't said anything I can recall about wanting to live with me, especially since I may move out of town anyway. So okay.

  So, if you arn't in a situation that is dangerous to you physically, I would reconsider and try to stay in it for a while.

  Well, not directly, but as far as the stress, who knows?

  I guess I'd ask if it benefits either of us for me to stay? That's one thing I'm hoping a therapist can clarify.

  Thanks for the input.
• 

  Kingpawn

  TTBoy,

  Cancel the credit card - if you have credit left she can go spend it all you have to pay for half.

  Have been thinking of doing just that and letting her get her own card.

  Freeze your checking account - put a hold on it - what ever. She can withdraw all the funds and leave you high and dry.

  Have my own account and more than two grand stashed as an emergency fund, which I suppose she'll get half of it--not sure.

  I know of someone that this happened to. Things can get real ugly. Talk to your lawyer and have everything ready BEFORE you let your wife know what's going on.

  She knows I'm unhappy but probably thinks I gave up the idea.

  You are entitled to half as well. Who's name is the car/s in? You could be left without a vehicle.

  Each of us has our own car.

  Take Care/Good Luck

  Thanks for this and for the input.