I'm being DA by my family

by reagan_oconnor 20 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Francois

    So, their shunning you is your fault? How conveeeeeeeeeeenient!

    It's text book cultism. Right outta the manual. It's called "Blame the Victim." And it works in shunning situations, child abuse, any number of things, but the basic thread is to blame the victim for everything. And a corrollary to this is that in order to avoid guilt feelings, you also have to hate the victim in order to justify the blame game and the other unjustifiable things that go along with it.

    As I said, it's right outta the text book. Classic case. See it all in Eric Hoffer's The True Believer, which will put all this in beautiful perspective for you.


  • jws

    I'm a little unsure of your "official" status to the JWs. It says you were DF'ed, but then re-instated, then walked away, divorcing your ex. Knowing JW policy, I would assume you were DFed once more, due to leaving your husband.

    I'm a little unclear as to whether that August KM article was "new light" or just a reinforcement of existing policies. DFed people, as far as I know, even family, have always been off-limits, except for "necessary" contact. And disassociated people have always been the same.

    If you are not DF'ed or DA'ed, it would seem you've fallen through the cracks and should not technically be shunned. This is my situation. Though if they know how you view the JWs, they may have made the decision on their own.

    It's sad and unfortunate and I continually worry that my family will do the same. To their warped way of thinking, it is our fault. They want us to come back and are witholding their friendship based on whether or not we do. We chose not to be JWs, so that is our choice. Call it our fault if you wish. Maybe it is our "fault". We knew the relationship risks when we chose to free ourselves from JW bondage and we knew the consequences it may have. And it is our actions that cause them to take theirs.

    Is it right? Not if you've got an attitude that everyone has the right to do as they believe.

    Right now, I'm a pacifist ex-JW when it comes to my family. I don't get into religious arguments with them. I don't try to pry them from their faith. And for the most part, I enjoy their company. To an extent, though I don't like it, I respect their right to believe as they wish. But I always figured that if they were to decide to shun me, I would have to take the offensive and wrest them from their faith.

    Maybe, if indeed you did "just leave" (and not DF/DA), you can show them the info on the WT's official media site saying they don't shun people who simply walk away. Maybe this will cause enough confusion among them, especially being from an official JW website, that they may decide to keep your company after all.


  • Vitameatavegamin


    I know how you feel-my parents treat me the same way. It is really horrible what these people promote, haughtiness,

    self-righteousness and snootiness at it's best. I guess it makes other JWs feel really big to put inactive or DFd family members

    down. It's kind of like belonging to an exclusive club, a members only type of thing. Only the JW "elite" are invited to

    gatherings, etc. Totally pathetic unchristian behavior at it's best.

    Your mom is the one losing in this whole thing. Maybe someday she will come to her senses, but don't count on it.

    Make yourself happy.

    Phooey on 'em.

    Take care,


  • blondie

    I am still "in," Reagan, and I am treated as if I am DF'd. Any little excuse can be used to brand someone "bad association" even in the congregation. Then they spread the word, and pretty soon you wonder if there was a judicial hearing, verdict, and announcement and you missed it.

    Having worked with families torn apart by alcoholism and abuse, I have to say this is a nasty way families can treat each other. It's an illusion that the "bible-trained" members of your family will act differently. It is only an excuse to be unkind and unloving and to think God is on their side.

    I would keep the door open but I wouldn't depend on them for your emotional support, etc. Find new friends. Volunteer for some cause that is close to your heart. Get to know your neighbors and workmates. Hang onto the friends that love you no matter what.

    Blondie who has been down that road for a long time

  • LDH


    One of my favorite MIAs.

    Send me an email if ya want, girl.


  • reagan_oconnor

    LDH! I missed ya! How's that baby of yours doing?

    Thanks for the kind sentiments. It is hard, but I'm almost glad. I've pretty much decided I'm gonna hold 'em to it. No matter what they have said, this has been their decision. They will suffer the consequences. When I have kids, they won't see them. (If I'm not good enough for my parents, neither will my kids!) They're missing out on one great chica (and my husband is a kick-ass guy, too) and it's their loss.

    Ahhh... feeling at home already!


  • gold_morning

    Sorry to hear that your family is now divided. It is the same for all of us.

    Remember this. They may tell you it is their conscience. A true conscience that feels something is truly wrong will never sway .... no matter what. It becomes a matter of ture principle. To prove it is not a matter of conscience.....think of this. If the governing body declared that new light from God is now that you smother those disfellowshiped with love. What would they do? They would love you to pieces!! So it is not their conscience at all. It is not what they really want to do. It is what they are forced to do.

    Believe me.........their true conscience really does not want to do what they are doing. They are forced to because they are convinced that they must to save thier own hides. It is one of the works they must do to earn their "GIFT" of salvation.

    1 Corinthians 4:4


    Take care!! Lots of Christian love gold morning

  • jurs


    sorry to hear what your going through. I'm sure its painful. I went through something similar but different.......... what helped me is talking to a counselor. It also helps to lean on friends and make your husbands family more of your own. and of course we are here for you!!! take care , Time also makes it less painful jurs

  • kelpie


    I feel excatly the same way. I got a phone call from my parents (my father is the only elder in their congregation) saying they are no longer going to talk to me. But would be there if I needed them... hmm go figure??

    I cried all afternoon and still now when I think about it I start to cry again. My mum and I are so close that this is really hard on both of us. she told me the same thing " you have made us do this".

    I hope that one day they will come around. In the mean time I will just have to learn to cope. People do tell me it gets easier.

    Its so nice to know that you are not alone and that some one understands the emotions you are going through.

  • Iwasyoungonce


    I can relate. With my inlaws it was a saga of we love you on Monday and Wed, and sometimes Friday but in the name most holy we can't love you on the other days. Invited to a Wedding but how dare you think you are wanted. How dare you come. They come to the hospital (((AFTER))) the birth of thier first grandchild. (No support for the mother) There were weeds in the garden to pull. (no bs) For me I did not let it get to the point where they again decided to shun, or a letter. A decade of trying to make it work and getting screwed was enough. I put down rules. It went like this. MY HOUSE MY RULES RESPECT THEM (and your daughter) OR LEAVE! Your house your rules I will respect them or not come. I was once told that I should be greatful that the/my jw family was not more strict. It was becoming custom in the halls that when people came to visit say...grandkids. It was demanded that the dis'membered one LEAVE THE ROOM, in their own house mind you. They really are out of their mind to think that they are going to crap all over me and then my wife and then go on like perfect loving grandparents. In any case I was the one that told them to not come here any more. No contact; Period. And I have never been happier. My wife is so much more chipper. My marraige has not been better. My children have never been as happy as now. Things are unmeasurably better with Jehovah Witnesses out of my life. I will not go back to "Life With dub's again."

    See, I know now it was never "Them" that I wanted. They suck. But, It was the image of family that I wanted. In this world blood family is supposed to get along. I felt that if I did not make it work it reflected on me as unworthy of them, my bad. But it is them that is not worthy of me. It is they who will not get along. And there is much in scripture about not turning your kids against you. (Which they did) Christ said you can not love your family MORE than him. He did not say love me or them. He said MORE.

    To me that means use common sense and balance. Which JW's lack.

    Take care of yourself Reagan so then you can care for others.


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