Chasing shadows of the past

by kenpodragon 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • kenpodragon

    I remember being a child and playing in a park. We would spend our summer days in the park, with all the freshly cut lawn, the swings and the sand to play in. Every once in a while, we would get the bright idea to try and chase our shadows to see if we could out run the darkened shape. Of course, as adults we know the results. As a child though, it kept us active and we kept running after that figure on the ground and hoping some how we would pass it on our journey. Do you still chase shadows? I ask, as in this life I have had many contacts and experiences with things that stood high in my memories. I look back over the years and see these things standing tall with the sun behind them, as their shadow cast into the day I live. I turn to move ahead in time, and think that these shadows will go away, and hope that one day I will stand in the sun without these pillars of past memories. What kind of memories? Well for me, I think a lot about my time in the religion at times. Not so much in the negative of anger, but more in the small pieces. Perhaps I remember "telling on a good friend" for something I thought was wrong, and then seeing that friendship harmed in a way that could never be forgiven. I get those memories of shunning people and see there hurt, and wondering why I was so easy to judge them. So many small memories make up the vast amount of time that I was a Witness. I am honest with myself that many of them were good, but I am truthful with myself when I remember that some of them were very wrong. So why do I do this? I think it is something inside us that says, "in order to move on you have to resolve all these issues." Yet it seems that the more I think about them, the larger those past thoughts seem and the shadow they cast in my current life seems more stretched out and endless. There have been so many times in this life, where I will sit wasting a day or a hour thinking to deep on those past memories, and working out in my head what I should have done. Yet in the end, I realize "you can never change the past." So what does that teach me? Well it is seems to be this weird lesson I should have learned as a child. You see these memories of my past are not some separate part that can be ran from, they are what makes up me. The shadow they cast, is me. So much like that child from many years ago that thought he could out run his shadow, yet learned the shadow would always be there. I have learned that to waste my energy trying to out run my past guilt, and concerns is a equal exercise in futility. We are basically a accumulations of all the days that lead up to this point. The only thing we can change is the days ahead, but the days behind are just that "behind us." So no more chasing shadows for me, I know where it belongs and it can stay there my entire life. My thought Dragon

    Edited by - kenpodragon on 4 October 2002 15:49:7

  • nita6368

    Another excellent post! I guess we all deal with some of the same kinds of things leaving that religion. Sometimes late at night while lying in bed a memory from the past, how I shunned my family, what I lost doing that, how I have been shunned by those who were supposedly my best friends, will come trailing into my mind and will keep me up trying to figure it out. Not really if it was right or wrong just figure out why it happened.Some of the things were so crazy, they can't be made sense of. I guess I haven't learned to leave the past in the past because so many of my behaviors today result from the past. Sometimes it seems as if everything comes tumbling in at once, I assure myself I am not crazy, not totally anyway and that tomorrow will be better.

  • terabletera

    good post Dragon.

    And just wanted to say hi to you too. It's just me and was hoping you were not mad at me. It would break my heart if you were.

  • kenpodragon
    It's just me and was hoping you were not mad at me. It would break my heart if you were.


    I am not mad at anyone!!! :) My feelings were hurt maybe a little over there, but I got over it. Having a pregnant wife and all the life changes happening, makes you think deep sometimes and when people you trust speak against you. It hurts some. I will be here still though, I am not returning to the other board. This board has a two post limit, keeps me under control. ;) So that I get all those baby things done around the house. LOL

    Take care and good to see hear from you.


  • kelsey007

    Dragon- your thought provoking post are always appreciated.

    You are missed over "there" on the other board. Due to recent develpments some views have changed and eyes opened to your criticisms.....

  • FiveShadows

    Well i ran and actually caught my shadow and realized there wasn't one...but Five. :-D ~FS

  • Beck_Melbourne

    "you can never change the past." So what does that teach me?

    The past teaches us how to make changes today in order to make a better tomorrow


  • onacruse

    "One must always maintain one's connection to the past and yet ceaselessly pull away from it. To remain in touch with the past requires a love of memory. To remain in touch with the past requires a constant imaginative effort."
    Gaston Bachelard

    I don't regret my made me what I am today. And, quite frankly, I'm pretty darn happy with who I am today.

    Not that I can't make a few improvements!


  • LyinEyes

    That is a great quote, Craig. I need to write it down.

    I love it when it said, that to remain in touch with the past , requires a love of memory.

    I really try hard to block out the painful parts and remember the good times, it keeps the people who I loved so much , that are gone now, in away still with me.

    One of my mom's favorite songs, was the Barbara Streisen song, " The Way We Were"...............................

    " .... what's too painful to remember , we simply choose to forget, but it's the laughter , we will remember , when ever we remember the way we were."

    I think she told me all these songs she loved , for a reason, it was her way of telling me what she thought was important for me to know . Just out of the blue, she would bring up a song and tell me why she loved it so much, or a poem , like some kind of life lessons she needed to tell me. I think she thought these songs said what she wanted to tell me , better than she could. I am glad I listened to her and her songs. Driving down the road , one will come on and it is like she is still telling me something , from when I was a girl. These are mostly good memories. And I smile.

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