How do you deal with dub friends?

In_between_days

Hi All,

I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone for their replys to my thread titled "I cant move on", and express my gratitude for your genuine and helpful advise.

I am happy to say that I am certainly in the process of moving on and healing the wounds that have been inflicted by the WT. There is only one problem that remains............

I have a few dub friends who I do still consider to be very good friends. I made a decision that I would never try to push my discoveries of the curroption within the org on them, and keep our conversations very neutral. Throughout time although, I see my friends being effected and hurt by the borg, and I find it extremely hard to bite my tongue when they are feeling depressed.

For example, my very close friend recently had a close family member DF and she is absolutely DEVASTATED,as she is no longer able to speak with him - she is hurt and this hurts me, but whenever I express my opinion on the shunning issue I am cut down completely. Last time I said anything about it, I myself was shunned for a while, even though I was trying every day to get in contact with her to simply see if she needed anything. I also recieved a visit today from another close friend, a young JW guy who is looking forward to attending university and has to move out of home because of the pressure from his mothers objections to doing so. He feels extremely bad about this (pursueing his dream), because of the intense emotional blackmail that is delivered from her. His mother had always planned for him to go to Bethel, as she constantly tells him that when he was born she made a promise to Jehovah that she would give him to him!!!!

Now, my point is, I cant deal with this. I cant stand seeing my friends writhe in emotional turmoil over something so insignificant and bogus. The WT has gradually became of less and less importance to me, until now, these days its basically a shrunken cartoon, led by a bunch of silly muppets. When I sit there, listening to my friends babble on about how their lives are effected by this organisation, my blood boils, I just want to sit them down and tell them everything I know. I know also, that if I did so, I would lose them forever.

I want to live a normal life........ I want to talk about important things now, have normal friends, partake in normal discussions. I am tired of listening to loved ones traumatic experiences at the hand of the WT and knowing that I can do nothing. What can I do? I feel this is pulling me back in my process, it is consistantly biting me in the heels when I am just trying to walk away quitely. How have you dealt with this situation?

Sorry the post is long, even if I get no response just the process of typing out how I feel makes me feel better. I hope everyone is having a good week and full steam ahead for the march tomorow, I cant wait to see how it goes!!

Wolfgirl

I don't have any JW friends anymore; I'm shunned. But I am in the process of writing to my one and only friend through the years. I wrote in the letter that I won't tell her what I've discovered unless she wants me to. I haven't shown anyone in my family coz they're too entrenched right now.

You know how we learned as JW's to go slow and not push too much on people when they're "new" so we don't scare them away? If you slyly let things slip here or there, just little things that could innocently be passed along...it might be enough to peque her interest.

bittersweet

I find dealing with this situation difficult too.I still have a couple friends who are active.I try to stay very neutrel.I hate it when they say stuff like "well,when were in paradise" or "Jehovah will take care of that" or whatever.I just cringe.I want them to know the real truth.But they are too blinded by the org.This includes my husband and my family.Actually they would probably have a heart attack if they knew I was posting here.

Just hang in there and hope that they too will someday find their way out.

buffy

I know when I started pulling away from the borg. I cut off association w/ my dub friends. I knew that I was heading toward being df'd and I just didn't want to take them w/ me. They knew what I was doing and just let me go. In my 20 years in the borg, I thought these girls who I grew up w/ were my best friends. But, I realized that they had the same top priority as all the other JW's - to serve Jehovah. So, even though I missed them alot, I knew that we could never remain friends. Slowly, they're starting to leave. One friend recently called me to tell me she had been df'd and wanted to get together. I have no problem picking up where we left off, they're still my friends. Just in a different way now. In time you'll meet new friends, w/ the same interests you have. I'm a very sociable, approachable person so it was easy for me. I've had a new group of friends since I was 21 years old. And, they give me more then any of my JW friends ever did. So, don't worry, it hurts too loose friends at first, but eventually you'll move on.

Buffy

Hmmm

IBD,

I'm sorry to say this, but I wouldn't hold out much hope of keeping those friends. They were really good friends, but only within the JW setting. Only three things can happen:

1) You go back and resume your friendships but are miserable at leading an empty and fake life;

2) You eventually tell them the truth about the religion and hope that a few will wake up. Those that do can stay your friends, the others will shun you;

3) Never talk about anything spiritual and watch, mute, while this religion causes them untold anguish and grief. The problem is that, not being able to have a conversation about such a basic and important thing as this, you'll lose the closeness that made them 'really good friends' in the first place. They'll be mere acquaintances.

When I knew I could never go back, telling my friends was not an option because of family reasons. I gradually pulled away and have now lost contact with all of them. Actually, that's not entirely true. A large number of them have been DFd for various offenses, and I talk to them occasionally. I didn't tell them I no longer believed, in case they went back. Now that I don't care about being exposed, I have been slipping points into conversations.

Hmmm

In_between_days

you'll meet new friends, w/ the same interests you have

I do have new friends, but I just still love my dub friends too. I guess sometimes you know its just time to let go, I suppose I am feeling that now, as the last of my friends are slowly fading out of my life. I guess my friends I can deal with, but what about my family? They are always going ot be around, and since I recently told my mother that I do not "hate" Jehovahs Witnesses, she has been eagerly talking about dub events and giving me suggestions on books I should read *sigh* I just cant win with her. I just want to get on with living my life, thats all.

So, don't worry, it hurts too loose friends at first, but eventually you'll move on.

I know, but yeah, its hard and yeah, it HURTS!!

I try to stay very neutrel.I hate it when they say stuff like "well,when were in paradise" or "Jehovah will take care of that" or whatever.I just cringe.

Oh, I know that feeling......... I hate it when they say "THE TRUTH"!!

In_between_days

They'll be mere acquaintances

You are right hmmm, they are kind of becoming that now. I told all of my friends my decision and out of HEAPS of dub friends, I kept about 3 - who I considered true friends - now even they rarely talk to me or answer my calls, the more I reveal my true feelings, the more they back away. Does anyone ever feel like they were only ever friends with certain people just because they were dubs? I mean when I think about some of the friends I had, that was just about the ONLY thing we had in common, so I guess its understandable that once that one thing dissapears, so does the friendship.

larc

I have been out for many years, and the only person I talk to, is my sister. It has become clear, over time, that any hint of criticism on my part will cause her to mentally shut me out. Therefore, I do not say anything about the religion.

My wife and I are frustrated that there is nothing we can say to my sister. We have concluded that my sister knows our postion and if my sister ever has doubts, she can approach us about them.

imanaliento

I too agree with Humm, a friend should be a friend no matter what !!

Most witnesses have a conditional "love" their consciences are overridden by men: it's like a light switch that can be turned on or off by an organizational decree. while it would be hard to sit and listen to their "talk", you could come up with clever questions.

buffy

In between:

Yeah, I know what you're saying. As me and my dub friends starting hitting 18/19 yr old, non of us actually had the same interests at all. I was always the wild, outspoken one, the others were shy and conforming. We had total opposite tastes in everything: music, clothes, hair, etc. I thought about that quite alot. I know that I would have never been friends w/ those people if it weren't for them being dubs. We were all around the same age so we all went to the same school. They were the only people I was allowed to hang out w/. So, no matter how pissed I got at them, I had no choice but to get over it.

Now, your family - that's a totally different subject. Your friends can shun you, but, you'll find new ones. You NEVER find another family. It's been really hard dealing w/ loosing my mom, aunt, uncle and some cousins. We were all very close. And, the first year, I cried alot. It still bothers me. My mom calls now though alot to see her grandson. But, stays clear of discussing me or her, just sticks to conversing about my son. It hurts though, when she takes my cousins away on trips and not me. That's something I don't think you ever get over. You just learn how to deal w/ it.

Remember in high school, when you think your problems are the end of the world. Then you grow up and think, "God, I'd love to have the "problems" that I dealt w/ in high school, rather than the ones I have as an adult." Well, you'll think this is the end of the world, but, it's not. You're just starting your OWN life. If you need to chat, feel free to email me. [email protected].

Buffy

How do you deal with dub friends?

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