JEHOVAH'S WITNESS TYPES

by Deli King 17 Replies latest jw friends

  • Deli King
    Deli King

    How many of the following types did you have in your home cong.? Which one were you?

    The Leader(s)

    (This is the only one NOT likely to be found in the local congregation, at least not for long. This attitude is reserved for presidents only!) On a mission from God, this one has had the urge for leadership and control in his mind from an early age, but it took many years to figure out how to adopt the greater persona and ego necessary to accompany such drive. This superior ego humbles the old self, which can now be deprecated as the "old man" (without mussing the new ego). He has been humbled by God, and now very much desires the greater persona and ego that has been shown to him. His major struggle now is to learn to step aside and let "God" (via the greater persona) speak through him; a struggle that will also take a toll on his followers, as they struggle to purge any vestiges of doubt and critical thinking that remains, so that they, too, can be part of this mission from God.

    The Loyal Subject

    These are driven by the desire for the approval of others, and in some cases they possess the joy of giving. They love receiving orders, and the carrying out of those orders is one of their greatest joys in life. They have no desire to make their own decisions, so they gladly accept the conscience of others in the organization in exchange for their approval.

    The Lazy orDimwitted Witness

    Forgetful, untrustworthy and often clueless, this one serves a dual purpose in the congregation. First, they make all the rest look more evolved on the social scale, and can thus be abused without remorse. These ironically do the bulk of the work, in terms of quantity (hours) but not quality (Duh! I placed two magazines!)

    The YoungWhippersnapper

    Whether they were groomed for power or snort it like drugs, some young men will always "reach out for the office of [the] overseer," and when they get to his door, will painstakingly emulate all his actions until the elder(s) get so sick of seeing this twisted mime of themselves that they appoint them to eldership.

    Sister Special Pioneer

    She possesses the dual advantage of not being taken too seriously by the congregation (because of being a woman) and therefore is not subject to close scrutiny, while intimidating others with her knowledge as well as her style of being rather "up-front" at times. Elders rarely mess with her.

    Typical Elder

    Elders are either power moguls or reluctant father-images. Either type rarely crosses over, as their roles are very distinct: One creates the messes and the other cleans up. Overworked, usually spends years trying to get there at the cost of his wife and children. Jim Beam may be his best friend in the end.

    Old Timer

    These never quite got scared enough from the start, so never fully march to the whole program. They resemble Toto, who wants to see whats behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. Often raised in the organization, these are usually very perceptive and wise. They know to keep mostly submerged in times of trouble, then miraculously become buoyant when politically advantageous. Like cats, they watch the show but are too smart to run it, preferring to mock it from afar. They are not afraid of Jehovah, the devil, or the Circuit Overseer, but can be controlled only through blackmail.

    Trouble

    Yes, its their first, middle and last name. This type thrives well in a legalistic atmosphere due to getting constant attention and reinforcing the concept of what NOT to be. The only greater joy these types treasure is the opportunity to make one of the "self-righteous" ones in the congregation look bad. That way they get to feel self-righteous for a change themselves, AND receive attention for the heresy hunt they started! This "drug" is only temporary and soon wears off, and they are paid even less attention afterwards, driving them to search for more victims.

    Temporary Sojourner

    A breath of fresh air coming in, at least until the JWs realize that they may not sell out everything to join. Ultimately branded as selfish and rebellious, not so much for style variation as for retaining common sense. They were "never REALLY" Witnesses.

    Apostate

    Short-lived, quickly disposed of. Not much is known about this breed, except they are worms, leeches, spiritual fornicators, mentally diseased, insane, probably eat small children, etc.


    Edited by - Deli King on 15 September 2002 13:38:43

    Edited by - Deli King on 15 September 2002 13:46:4

  • SYN
    SYN

    The Complete Idiot Dub

    Not usually a high-ranking Dub, this particular Dub is all too common in the many Congregations, and is barely capable of eating food by itself, let alone researching doctrinal points. Often used by the Elders to mow the Kingdom Hall lawn, this being The Complete Idiot's chosen career path.

    The Hardliner Dub

    Native to such Dub hives as Bethel and other Branch Facilities and also occasionally spotted in Twig Facilities, this variety of Dub is quite common. There is no way in hell to change the beliefs of this species of Dub. In fact, they would still believe that the Governing Body is Jehover's exclusive Channel of Communication even if said Governing Body were to arrive at work in pink miniskirts and start doing the can-can on the large boardroom desk they vote at so much.

    The Staunch Pioneer Dub

    Often seen entering "dangerous" territory, it is well known that this species of Dub considers itself invincible because of the protection of angels, almost like a Theocratic Power Ranger. This species is also commonly seen leaving said dangerous territory with bite marks in it's cheap polyester pants.

    The Elite Bethel Power-Broker Dub

    One of the few Dub species to wear designer suits and still carry around really crap literature at the same time in Field Service, this one is a true find for any Dub Watcher's logbook. Many sightings have occurred in the hallowed upper halls of Bethel in Brooklyn, and this is prime Dub Watching "territory" for any avid Watcher of Dubs in any case, as many other rare species are to be found there too. This specific species is commonly found engaged in sordid underhand dealings with Dubs of lesser, polyster plumage.

    The Quickbuild Superstar Dub

    Commonly found in the vicinity of Dub Quickbuilds and a great entry in the logbook, this Dub is one of the more commonly occurring species. Distinguishing characteristics include hard hats and overalls worn over "sensible" pants. Have been known to climb ladders and bang things into other things.

    The Sister Hotty Dub

    Seasonal in nature, these Dubs look much like the more common Plain Dub during most months, but during the summer their plumage changes and they suddenly begin to feature slit skirts and low-cut tops, and become the attention of many male Dubs during the annual District Conventions.

    The Insane XJW Website Troll Dub

    Found exclusively on XJW websites such as JWD, JWO, and Kent's place, this variety of Dub is very hard to take pictures of because of it's camera shy and intelligence shy nature. Since nobody has ever tracked down one of these elusive and rather repugnant Dubs before, their existence isn't officially verified in the literature, but there are too many reports of their idiotic escapades to throw their existence out of the window entirely. Their hit and run nature on said XJW boards makes them rather difficult to pin down for further study.

  • Francois
    Francois

    My "type" isn't on here in any one place, but shows up all over the place. I was considered "elder" material because I could speak extemporaneously for at least ten minutes using as my only source the label in my shirt. But then, I wasn't "reaching out" for any such power trip.

    On the other hand, I had a very direct manner of expressing myself that some called blunt. They called it even less charitable things when the topic of my conversation had to do with some of the society's more "creative" teachings (like oral sex for instance).

    My attitude toward the distaff portion of any group was weighed in the balance and found wanting. Too much charm, you know, like I was making some attempt to get them to meet with me later out behind the barn (I was). There was general agreement, including among the elders, that no one liked the way I "looked" at the sisters - especially the young, nubile, good-looking ones who had lips that made you think they could suck a softball through a garden hose. The sisters didn't complain, though, except the ones I never looked at. Now, they were furious about something.

    No one knew for sure, but it was a widely held suspicion that I didn't believe one word of either the Watchtower or the Awake!, none of the governing body's erruptions, and perhaps only one or two statements found in the bible (right again). It was felt that I was only being "as good" as I was because I was living with my super-elder and local god-lette uncle while I was going to - gasp! - college. (That was pretty much on target.)

    In short, hanging out with me was viewed as associating with a known criminal and, to a great many people, especially young, nubile, etc., this seemed to be virtually irresistible.

    But no one was ever able to get the "goods" on me, much to their obvious frustration and so I sort of grazed my way through several of the kingdom halls convenient to where I was going to school, much to the chagrin and impotent fury of the young, so-called "marriage material" around there bouts.

    francois

  • pomegranate
    pomegranate

    Tooo funny...LMAO

  • JT
    JT

    You my friend "Deli King" -- You are a "Damn FOOL"

    I LOVE IT - this post has been a nice refresher, for the last few days serious issue have been dealt and this is just a great post-

    I do offer one more group of folks THE "INTERNET FLUNKIES"

    these are the posters esp male posters who hold no title in thier halls , ok mike handler and they come here and are dyed in the wool defenders of the org- these or the poor saps who the CO and Elder make jokes about on the CO visit- for they know tha they will never appoint this dude- they usually have very extensive research volmes at home and they give heavy and deep comments ,but due to having no title their comments carry no weight in fact these are the guys who sometimes cause fear when they raise thier hand for you know that they will GO OFF INTO THE DEEP END- he is usually single - 35-55 yrs of age- lives with his mom or lives in a one room rent hotel- his wears liesure suits still- has those yellow circles under his arms when he talks off that sport coat- doesn't have a real suit to his name- always wears the clip on ties with 10 pens in his top shirt pocket-

    we are almost sure that he has his web browser set for only 2 spots on the web

    1. JW.COM and

    2 "The World Largerst Hooters"

    THIS IS they guy we love to have here on the net yep i have always loved the "Internet Flunky"

  • SYN
    SYN

    LOL, JT that was brilliant, I can just picture some of our favourite Dub Defender Class type guys the way you wrote it!

  • Parousia
    Parousia

    What would you call the guy who gave the talk on ... masterba ... err... you know what I mean, but went up on stage with his fly down ... while his wife tried desperately to get his attention as descretely as possible to do something about it ... while his teenage daughter (me)tried to slide under her seat unnoticed??!!

    We were new to the congregation and Dad was trying so hard to make a good impression.... Heehee

  • Robdar
    Robdar

    but during the summer their plumage changes

    Syn,

    You crack me up. Good job.

    Love,

    Robyn

  • JT
    JT

    Syn

    "I can just picture some of our favourite Dub Defender Class type guys the way you wrote it!"

    #########

    personally i am offended by your comments-- how dare you imply that some of our most favorites dub posters fit that group -------------------------WINK WINK smile

  • DanTheMan
    DanTheMan

    I died laughing when I first saw the "hitchhikers guide to Jerhover's Witness types" on freeminds (ya should've credited the source Deli! ok done preaching)

    I was the temporary sojourner. I'm sure when my name comes up now, the line is "ya know, Dan just never made the troof his own"

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit