I guess I'm one of the few lucky ones. The most important people in my life (family) do not shun me. The ones that do (non-family), I don't give a hoot, no skin off my hide.
Guest 77
Shunned & I don't seem to care. Can u relate?
by joeshmoe 22 Replies latest jw friends
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Sentinel
I'm no psychiatrist, but it does sound to me like you are in denial. The flow of emotions that one deals with in these situations is not the same for each person. But, you are a human being, and you do have family. Perhaps they have hurt you so much, that you want to deny that they can hurt you any further.
If you feel strong now, perhaps you've been DA'd long enough to build up a very good circle of friends who support you and care about you. Maybe you are a very busy person, and don't allow yourself to think too much about it.
I have to say, that I am one of those that you mentioned who has been through a great deal of stress since being "dumped" recently. And, it's happened to me before. Perhaps that's why I find it more difficult to take, because my emotions are on this rolleycoaster, and have been my entire life. I need and want stability so badly. On top of sad feelings, there is a great deal of anger. The anger is directed moreso at the WTBTS, but also towards my mother, who has allowed them so much control. I feel like she could be stronger, but she just doesn't want to work at it. I feel like she just doesn't "want" to love me and she allows the society to control her, because she's totally comfortable with it.
Some days, I haven't allowed myself to "think" about it. Every time a thought tries to sneak in, I bump it right back down. I don't want to deal with it any more. I'm very tired of all the crap.
If you happen to be one of those very strong individuals, who can just pick yourself up and go on, and not really miss any of your family, you are rare but not unique. At any rate, one of these days, if you really haven't dealt with the issues, you will no doubt have to do that. For the time being, if you are happy, I say go for it.
Take care of yourself. Sometimes I find this awful anger, so deep inside, that rages in me, telling me "you don't need her anyway. What has she ever REALLY done for you, except make you feel unworthy? Deny her, just as she denies you. Pretend she doesn't exist. You don't need her to love you".........
....then I start to weep....
Sentinel
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scootergirl
For me, after awhile I learned acceptance. I accept that my family won't talk to me. I accept their decision to stay in their faith. I accept my decision and the consequences that followed. I no longer beat myself over the head begging for them to love me. I have learned what I have control over and what I don't.
Anyone who has suffered a loss in their life understands the cycle of grief. You go thru denial and anger then ACCEPTANCE.
I no longer ache and hurt like I use to. I realize what my reality is and that is that I will never be part of the family that I was born into. My theory, this is reality-reality is being shunned. I have lived just about as many years without my parents than with......and I am a much better person than I was way back then.
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MegaDude
I think Animal is right, you should shun the shunners, but do it out of love for yourself. Also with the attitude that you will welcome these people back into your life should their light bulb come on and they extricate themselves from the Watchtower and desire to establish contact. Yeah, it's painful at first, but those feelings fade and lose strength over time. You don't constantly reopen the wounds of missing someone you were very close to.
Constantly trying to re-establish contact with JW elitist family and friends who repeatedly shun you can work havoc on your emotions and self-esteem. Ask yourself why you are doing it. It reminds me of the situation where a wife stays with a husband who beats her constantly. Why does she stay? She says "I love him." That's a lie. She doesn't believe anyone else will love her and her feelings of self-worth are so low she remains in an awful situation.
There are people out there that will treat you good and will be your friend. Make sure those people add something positive to your life, not beat you down.
Jehovah's Witnesses are bad association and a poor social choice if you want to be mentally and spiritually healthy. That includes family.
Edited by - megadude on 8 September 2002 18:6:27
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animal
Bingo mega....
I cannot control the actions of others, and wont try to. It makes for unneccisary stress. I prefer a stress-free life. I just use it to teach my kids how not to be, using JW's as my example. They also dont miss the shunners.... and wont.
Shame on shunners....
Animal
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garybuss
Initially I was shocked at how easily my JW relatives, inlaws, and acquaintances rejected me and my family. For a time I was hurt and then angry. Now I am thankful. It has all worked out very well. They have all disappeared in the rear view mirror of life.
I am happy to have had the opportunity to identify people who's connection to me was superficial and conditional on my loyalty to immaterial issues.
The Witnesses are the worst kind of people. They slither in and cut out a spouse or a child and then infect that person with a desire to farther divide the family and isolate the rational people who reject their nonsense. When the shunning begins, the remaining family is protected from farther assault.
I do not want any connection to the Witnesses and I am thankful they shun me and my family. I demand it continues.
The benefits are many. The remaining family members are closer now that the divisive element has been removed. The enemies of our family have identified themselves and made it easy to observe them from a safe distance.
Loosing a relative to the shunning of Witnessism is a little like loosing a limb to cancer. We mourn the loss and eventually we move on. We become grateful for that which we still have rather than being centered on that which we lost. We are not grateful for the loss but we are grateful for that which the loss allowed us to keep.
Those who do not mourn the loss and move on are doomed to be the exact victim the Watch Tower Society designed. They have lost and the Watch Tower Society has won.
I say: The shunning has been good for us. I hope it continues. It has been a gift.
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joeshmoe
Thanks for the feedback all. It's reassuring to know some normal, well-adjusted folks can relate!
Megadude, I especially appreciated your comments:
Constantly trying to re-establish contact with JW elitist family and friends who repeatedly shun you can work havoc on your emotions and self-esteem. Ask yourself why you are doing it. It reminds me of the situation where a wife stays with a husband who beats her constantly. Why does she stay? She says "I love him." That's a lie. She doesn't believe anyone else will love her and her feelings of self-worth are so low she remains in an awful situation.
The burden is on the shunned one to either break the cycle or feed it. Although I have to be honest. When it comes to my witness family, I'm not really making a conscious decision to "shun them back." I just don't seem to miss them that much. If this shunning is supposed to be hurting me... it doesn't seem to be working. It's not that I don't want to ever talk to them again. It's just that I don't think it's the end of the world if it happens that way.
-Josh
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Robinhood
After reading everyone's posts I felt like I needed to share my experience. This will give you both veiwpoints/sides of the story and as you will see it comes full circle.
I was raised JW and I was pregnant with my daughter when my Mother took up smoking. The elders could never catch her but I knew it and after the urging, coaxing, etc. of my father in law (presiding overseer) decided that even if she wasn't df'd she was still unclean in God's eyes. Thus began 17 yrs of shunning my Mother. This was really hard for me because we were VERY CLOSE & she was my best friend growing up. We (my brother & I) were part of a single parent family. I always felt guilty and missed our relationship even as I continued the shunning. So you can see the pull the Borg have on people. I would take my daughter to see her every now and again but not enough that they could form a strong bond.
Fast forward 17 yrs. I began to have doubts about the organization and decided I could no longer be a part of something like that. The first thing on my list of things to do was to contact my MOM. We sat down and had a long talk. I told her that I wanted to apologize for shunning her all those years and not letting her get to know her granddaughter. Her response still touches me to this day:
She said, "It's okay sweetie. It was not your fault. You were only doing what that RELIGION told you to do." And that was it. NO hard feelings. She said religion with such disdain/hatred in her voice it wasn't even funny. Her anger was directed at the religion that promoted the shunning practice not me.
We have a wonderful relationship today. She also has a great relationship with her granddaughter who is getting married this coming spring to a Catholic. Our daughter is not a part of any religion and does not plan on becoming a part due to her experiences. Much the same as Robinhood & I.
My daughter is DF'd. And the same grandfather (presiding overseer) who gave me the advice about my MOM is now shunning his granddaughter. She is the only living relative / part of their son by the way. Their son (a JW) was killed as a result of an auto accident when she was 2 1/2 yrs old. He refused blood. The grandmother is also shunning her. This in my opinion is SAD. They are missing out on so much and will probably never see the "light" so to speak.
So like Scootergirl I've learned acceptance. Most JW's don't speak with me and shun me. But I accept that as what they have been taught. And until they see the error of their ways there is nothing I can do about it. I will not allow them to control my feelings. I can only feel guilt if I'm guilty. I have done nothing wrong. It's their problem.
Lady Marianne
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moana
Thanks everybody - all the posts helped me so much!! THis has been a terrible thing to be told my mother cannot speak to me anymore. I now feel sorry that she has to live with that God that has a big stick.
I count my blessings everyday & am starting to realize we have nothing in common now. It's nice to know that I am not alone. I get a lot of comfort from knowing that we all had a very unique upbringing & that we were smart enough to see for the cult & mind controld it truly is.
It has been about a month now - & I'm feeling better everyday. It could be worse - I could've been a part of a big family.
drea
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Beck_Melbourne
This is how I coped when I was shunned by family....I got on with my life....I did the things I'd always wanted to do....I strived...I achieved...I loved....of course when I bought a new house and starting kicking on with work etc, my mother said Satan looks after his own. So you just can't win....there will always be negativity surrounding you for as long as you let it.
Move on...clear out the old and in with the new. Build your life up into what you want it to be regardless of who doesn't want to talk to you anymore. If you pass them in the street, I would smile and wave and then continue on as though you have better things to do. That's what I did....and my jw relatives had a choice...to either accept me the way I am....or just continue with their shunning regime. They decided to accept me...warts and all....they don't practice the shunning rule now....it wasn't me who would have suffered the biggest loss, it was them.
Beck