Disturbing ... but funny.

by CoolBreeze 1 Replies latest social humour

  • CoolBreeze

    I am reposting (with permission from the listmaster) this little gem I received in one of my mailing lists.

    Official Notice

    From: The U.S. Department of Permanent Investigation
    To: Selected U.S. Citizens

    Our governmental vigilance against hidden sources of potential terrorism is,
    as you know, expanding rapidly. It quite naturally includes the deepest
    suspicion directed toward those of you so dangerously misguided as to
    foolishly disagree with any of our activities. The thought of the United
    States of America continuing to tolerate so-called normal citizens who
    insist on harboring hurtful, negative attitudes toward those holding the
    reins of power is clearly unacceptable. Such disagreement is shockingly
    counterproductive to a beleaguered government trying to rid itself of a few
    dangerous enemies while simultaneously taking over as much of the world's
    resources as possible. Because if you think this is easy to pull off without
    too many people noticing, you can think again.

    Government policy encouraging citizen-on-citizen spying has been sadly
    misunderstood by those of you who have not yet willingly embraced the idea
    of reforming yourselves the easy way, before someone else does it for you.
    You have to understand: we can't be too careful about these things because
    we really, seriously, need to get our own way here. Uncritical,
    whole-hearted acceptance of authority, and support for our every little
    overt and covert aim, is not that much to ask. Furthermore, divisiveness
    among the populace on this issue of self-spying is turning out to be a
    pointlessly time-consuming drain on our dwindling national resources.

    For instance: are you one of those who have been frivolously wasting time,
    waiting around for the dreaded midnight pounding on your door? Have you been
    experiencing nonproductive periods at work, fretting over job security due
    to a few too many carelessly expressed opinions at that last office party?
    Have you said anything at all, at any moment, which could possibly be
    construed as less than fully complimentary to those morally and
    intellectually superior individuals who were (possibly) elected to run your
    country in your behalf? If so, then you are shamelessly squandering your
    nation's human resources, since other people are going to have to be keeping
    an eye on you for the rest of your life. Do you really think that is being
    fair to them?

    Or perhaps you have already had the good sense to be terrified, and have
    therefore swallowed your highly-unpopular opinions all along. Maybe you are
    idly wondering how long it will be before our technology can pick your real
    thoughts straight from your congenitally insubordinate brain. (It won't be
    long.) In any case, you know who you are. You are the ones who nag, nitpick
    and think you can find fault with the strategies of your worthy leaders in
    Washington. You loathe us and all our works, national difficulties
    notwithstanding, and you are wondering if we know it too. Well, we do.

    You have not thought this problem through with sufficient thoroughness.
    Because human nature will very likely, sooner or later, turn against you in
    ways even your feverish imagination cannot predict. Remember, you once
    lodged an official complaint with animal control about that incessantly
    barking neighbor's dog. Or maybe you fired a crooked, inefficient, or
    superfluous employee. What about that romantic attachment that ended so
    acrimoniously? Perhaps you simply know something unpleasant about someone,
    who really would rather you didn't run around loose knowing what you know,
    just because. In any case, what with being a human being and all, you are
    certain to have mortally offended someone else's ego- sometime, somewhere,
    somehow. And now you have to wonder if there will be highly unpleasant

    Well, yes, there will be. We realize that even ordinary decent
    government-loving folk occasionally must succumb to urges for petty revenge.
    We understand that even proper citizens, ferociously dedicated to our
    administration, will now and again swell with uncontrollable
    self-importance, when handed irresistibly juicy power over others. Therefore
    this business of your hanging around endlessly worrying about being fingered
    by the evil eye is utterly useless. Of course you must be carefully watched
    over by imperfect human beings: what did you think? You are recklessly
    wasting your country's time and energy by forcing your fellow citizens to
    try to assess exactly how serious those rude jokes you made about the
    current administration really were. Surely you can see that it is a terrible
    drain on the economy to be forced to have two thirds of the country
    awkwardly skulking around spying on the other third?

    You ought to know by now if your inner thoughts meet the standards of our
    updated and expanded guidelines for possible enemies of the state. We've
    certainly planted enough hints out there. But you may well have been remiss
    in the necessarily stern and uncompromising requirements for
    self-examination along these lines. Therefore, in order to facilitate your
    efforts, we include here a brief but hopefully evocative excerpt from our
    larger work-in-progress, The Encyclopedia of Internal Enemies, Volume 23.

    Please get your pencils, download this paper, and check the applicable
    choices. Be sure to return your answers promptly to our Department.

    1. You are an enemy of the state if you have deliberately failed to applaud
    enthusiastically at the end of each and every official public utterance
    during these difficult times. And don't think no one noticed.

    2. You are an enemy of the state if you persist in believing, contrary to
    all government issue press releases, that there are real live human beings
    out there in other countries. We have very firmly made it clear that that is
    hardly the point.

    3. You are an enemy of the state if you have ever thought that the sudden
    disappearance of every last one of the powerful leaders and authorities on
    this planet would result in a giddy celebration lasting for centuries. Such
    fantasies are not only very cruel, but actionable under current slander
    laws, and constitute grounds for permanent incarceration in solitary

    4. You are an enemy of the state if you ever try to stick your nose where it
    is not wanted, in relation to the very tricky matters regarding the United
    States Constitution versus Homeland Security, which are none of your
    business. And if you still don't believe it is none of your business, just
    ask your expensively elected representatives.

    5. You are an enemy of the state if you resist in any way the dictates,
    stated or implied, of the official government, military and corporate
    establishments who know what's best for you. The fact that they have more
    money than you do is all the proof you need of their suitability for making
    your important decisions. The food you eat, the water you drink, the medical
    advice you take, the entertainment you consume, and the education of your
    children are by now completely handled and none of your concern. We know
    what we are doing here, and we have already told you that more than once.

    6. You are an enemy of the state if you annoyingly question government and
    military secrecy when this is so clearly stated now to be a veritable
    cornerstone of the democratic process. Keep in mind that when it comes to
    matters of national security, you could be in a whole lot of trouble for
    practically anything whatsoever. And you probably are, so don't push it.

    7. You are an enemy of the state if you question the idea that multinational
    corporations and the perfectly natural excesses of capitalism are somehow or
    other protected by the Constitution of the United States of America. This is
    so fundamental we don't really even need to say it. So don't make us say it

    8. You are an enemy of the state if you have anywhere, at any time, so much
    as breathed the word "environmentalism"- even alone in a locked room. The
    use of the word "green" is permitted, if you happen to be working on a
    full-page advertisement for a large energy conglomerate.

    The above list, as you can see for yourself, represents a woefully
    incomplete compendium of your innate potential for grievous offences against
    your country. Basically, what it all boils down to is that you are an enemy
    of the state if you don't freely and spontaneously agree with the thoughts
    of those of us in positions of authority, anywhere and everywhere. Any fool
    could see that, one would think. Frankly, we don't like being disagreed
    with. Why would we?

    We welcome your individual contributions in response to this Official
    Notice, just as soon as you have examined your conscience and made a full
    and frank confession. You will then be free to shorten your sentence
    somewhat by offering additions we haven't thought of yet to this list. We
    hope, with your help, to compile the definitive version of all conceivable
    infractions of any local, state or federal rules, laws, customs, or sincere
    authoritarian whims, which you or anyone else might have been, are now, or
    may be guilty of in the future.

    The main thing is not really even what you have specifically done, or will
    do. There's bound to be something, and you know it. The point is to shortcut
    all this uncomfortable uncertainty you are living in as an amateur or even,
    heaven help you, a certified professional troublemaker. Therefore we have
    instituted what we believe is a highly effective new plan for speeding up
    this entire process. We are asking each and every one of you who has ever
    had any sort of wicked thought whatsoever about The Establishment to give
    yourselves up and turn yourselves in to the authorities immediately. This
    will save everyone concerned a considerable amount of troublesome waiting,
    not to mention your tax dollars. What with one thing and another, present
    estimates of the number of in-house enemies-of-the-state run to the millions
    at the very least. For this reason we ask for your patience in regard to the
    expected long lines and waiting times.

    Kindly observe the following steps for turning yourself in:

    If you don't know the location or even the identity of your local
    authorities, just ask and we will forward you the names, and directions for
    finding them. They aren't always who you think they are.

    Please do not try to turn yourselves in to the media, as they are not yet
    set up for handling crowds.

    Consider bringing at least a box lunch, as this is going to take some time.
    Sanitary arrangements will be provided, but don't expect anything fancy.
    Outside food vendors will be permitted between the hours of 11am - 1 pm, and
    4 pm - 6 pm, for the first week, in most states.

    For your entertainment while you are waiting, we have arranged for continual
    closed-circuit preview presentations of the upcoming reality-based Fox
    television series, "The Noble, Highly Paid and Exciting Lives of

    No radios, cell phones, wrist watches, writing implements, or reading
    material will be allowed beyond the first stage of processing. And don't
    bother bringing your belts, extra clothing, or personal grooming materials.

    We ask that you place all children under six with politically correct
    relatives before you leave the house. Be sure to fill out all necessary
    adoption papers.

    Thank you. In conclusion, we wish to express our deepest appreciation ahead
    of time for your patience and cooperation. We want you all to know we are
    sincerely look forward to working with you and getting to know you much much

    Yours truly,

    The Department of Permanent Investigation



  • DakotaRed

    Maybe that is what Customs trained these pups for?

    Edited by - DakotaRed on 14 August 2002 0:12:28

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