I am reposting (with permission from the listmaster) this little gem I received in one of my mailing lists.
From: The U.S. Department of Permanent Investigation
To: Selected U.S. Citizens
Our governmental vigilance against hidden sources of potential terrorism is,
as you know, expanding rapidly. It quite naturally includes the deepest
suspicion directed toward those of you so dangerously misguided as to
foolishly disagree with any of our activities. The thought of the United
States of America continuing to tolerate so-called normal citizens who
insist on harboring hurtful, negative attitudes toward those holding the
reins of power is clearly unacceptable. Such disagreement is shockingly
counterproductive to a beleaguered government trying to rid itself of a few
dangerous enemies while simultaneously taking over as much of the world's
resources as possible. Because if you think this is easy to pull off without
too many people noticing, you can think again.
Government policy encouraging citizen-on-citizen spying has been sadly
misunderstood by those of you who have not yet willingly embraced the idea
of reforming yourselves the easy way, before someone else does it for you.
You have to understand: we can't be too careful about these things because
we really, seriously, need to get our own way here. Uncritical,
whole-hearted acceptance of authority, and support for our every little
overt and covert aim, is not that much to ask. Furthermore, divisiveness
among the populace on this issue of self-spying is turning out to be a
pointlessly time-consuming drain on our dwindling national resources.
For instance: are you one of those who have been frivolously wasting time,
waiting around for the dreaded midnight pounding on your door? Have you been
experiencing nonproductive periods at work, fretting over job security due
to a few too many carelessly expressed opinions at that last office party?
Have you said anything at all, at any moment, which could possibly be
construed as less than fully complimentary to those morally and
intellectually superior individuals who were (possibly) elected to run your
country in your behalf? If so, then you are shamelessly squandering your
nation's human resources, since other people are going to have to be keeping
an eye on you for the rest of your life. Do you really think that is being
fair to them?
Or perhaps you have already had the good sense to be terrified, and have
therefore swallowed your highly-unpopular opinions all along. Maybe you are
idly wondering how long it will be before our technology can pick your real
thoughts straight from your congenitally insubordinate brain. (It won't be
long.) In any case, you know who you are. You are the ones who nag, nitpick
and think you can find fault with the strategies of your worthy leaders in
Washington. You loathe us and all our works, national difficulties
notwithstanding, and you are wondering if we know it too. Well, we do.
You have not thought this problem through with sufficient thoroughness.
Because human nature will very likely, sooner or later, turn against you in
ways even your feverish imagination cannot predict. Remember, you once
lodged an official complaint with animal control about that incessantly
barking neighbor's dog. Or maybe you fired a crooked, inefficient, or
superfluous employee. What about that romantic attachment that ended so
acrimoniously? Perhaps you simply know something unpleasant about someone,
who really would rather you didn't run around loose knowing what you know,
just because. In any case, what with being a human being and all, you are
certain to have mortally offended someone else's ego- sometime, somewhere,
somehow. And now you have to wonder if there will be highly unpleasant
Well, yes, there will be. We realize that even ordinary decent
government-loving folk occasionally must succumb to urges for petty revenge.
We understand that even proper citizens, ferociously dedicated to our
administration, will now and again swell with uncontrollable
self-importance, when handed irresistibly juicy power over others. Therefore
this business of your hanging around endlessly worrying about being fingered
by the evil eye is utterly useless. Of course you must be carefully watched
over by imperfect human beings: what did you think? You are recklessly
wasting your country's time and energy by forcing your fellow citizens to
try to assess exactly how serious those rude jokes you made about the
current administration really were. Surely you can see that it is a terrible
drain on the economy to be forced to have two thirds of the country
awkwardly skulking around spying on the other third?
You ought to know by now if your inner thoughts meet the standards of our
updated and expanded guidelines for possible enemies of the state. We've
certainly planted enough hints out there. But you may well have been remiss
in the necessarily stern and uncompromising requirements for
self-examination along these lines. Therefore, in order to facilitate your
efforts, we include here a brief but hopefully evocative excerpt from our
larger work-in-progress, The Encyclopedia of Internal Enemies, Volume 23.
Please get your pencils, download this paper, and check the applicable
choices. Be sure to return your answers promptly to our Department.
1. You are an enemy of the state if you have deliberately failed to applaud
enthusiastically at the end of each and every official public utterance
during these difficult times. And don't think no one noticed.
2. You are an enemy of the state if you persist in believing, contrary to
all government issue press releases, that there are real live human beings
out there in other countries. We have very firmly made it clear that that is
hardly the point.
3. You are an enemy of the state if you have ever thought that the sudden
disappearance of every last one of the powerful leaders and authorities on
this planet would result in a giddy celebration lasting for centuries. Such
fantasies are not only very cruel, but actionable under current slander
laws, and constitute grounds for permanent incarceration in solitary
4. You are an enemy of the state if you ever try to stick your nose where it
is not wanted, in relation to the very tricky matters regarding the United
States Constitution versus Homeland Security, which are none of your
business. And if you still don't believe it is none of your business, just
ask your expensively elected representatives.
5. You are an enemy of the state if you resist in any way the dictates,
stated or implied, of the official government, military and corporate
establishments who know what's best for you. The fact that they have more
money than you do is all the proof you need of their suitability for making
your important decisions. The food you eat, the water you drink, the medical
advice you take, the entertainment you consume, and the education of your
children are by now completely handled and none of your concern. We know
what we are doing here, and we have already told you that more than once.
6. You are an enemy of the state if you annoyingly question government and
military secrecy when this is so clearly stated now to be a veritable
cornerstone of the democratic process. Keep in mind that when it comes to
matters of national security, you could be in a whole lot of trouble for
practically anything whatsoever. And you probably are, so don't push it.
7. You are an enemy of the state if you question the idea that multinational
corporations and the perfectly natural excesses of capitalism are somehow or
other protected by the Constitution of the United States of America. This is
so fundamental we don't really even need to say it. So don't make us say it
8. You are an enemy of the state if you have anywhere, at any time, so much
as breathed the word "environmentalism"- even alone in a locked room. The
use of the word "green" is permitted, if you happen to be working on a
full-page advertisement for a large energy conglomerate.
The above list, as you can see for yourself, represents a woefully
incomplete compendium of your innate potential for grievous offences against
your country. Basically, what it all boils down to is that you are an enemy
of the state if you don't freely and spontaneously agree with the thoughts
of those of us in positions of authority, anywhere and everywhere. Any fool
could see that, one would think. Frankly, we don't like being disagreed
with. Why would we?
We welcome your individual contributions in response to this Official
Notice, just as soon as you have examined your conscience and made a full
and frank confession. You will then be free to shorten your sentence
somewhat by offering additions we haven't thought of yet to this list. We
hope, with your help, to compile the definitive version of all conceivable
infractions of any local, state or federal rules, laws, customs, or sincere
authoritarian whims, which you or anyone else might have been, are now, or
may be guilty of in the future.
The main thing is not really even what you have specifically done, or will
do. There's bound to be something, and you know it. The point is to shortcut
all this uncomfortable uncertainty you are living in as an amateur or even,
heaven help you, a certified professional troublemaker. Therefore we have
instituted what we believe is a highly effective new plan for speeding up
this entire process. We are asking each and every one of you who has ever
had any sort of wicked thought whatsoever about The Establishment to give
yourselves up and turn yourselves in to the authorities immediately. This
will save everyone concerned a considerable amount of troublesome waiting,
not to mention your tax dollars. What with one thing and another, present
estimates of the number of in-house enemies-of-the-state run to the millions
at the very least. For this reason we ask for your patience in regard to the
expected long lines and waiting times.
Kindly observe the following steps for turning yourself in:
If you don't know the location or even the identity of your local
authorities, just ask and we will forward you the names, and directions for
finding them. They aren't always who you think they are.
Please do not try to turn yourselves in to the media, as they are not yet
set up for handling crowds.
Consider bringing at least a box lunch, as this is going to take some time.
Sanitary arrangements will be provided, but don't expect anything fancy.
Outside food vendors will be permitted between the hours of 11am - 1 pm, and
4 pm - 6 pm, for the first week, in most states.
For your entertainment while you are waiting, we have arranged for continual
closed-circuit preview presentations of the upcoming reality-based Fox
television series, "The Noble, Highly Paid and Exciting Lives of
No radios, cell phones, wrist watches, writing implements, or reading
material will be allowed beyond the first stage of processing. And don't
bother bringing your belts, extra clothing, or personal grooming materials.
We ask that you place all children under six with politically correct
relatives before you leave the house. Be sure to fill out all necessary
Thank you. In conclusion, we wish to express our deepest appreciation ahead
of time for your patience and cooperation. We want you all to know we are
sincerely look forward to working with you and getting to know you much much
The Department of Permanent Investigation