"Against our will...."

by Dia 8 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Dia

  We who were 'raised in it' and had no choice about becoming part of this goofy religion, let's discuss our experiences collectively.

  Personally, I always feel that it was like having parents who were nazi's or members of the KKK. Almost no one can possibly understand what you've been through. It was SO radical.

  And SO harmful. After growing up as a JW, it's like you need lessons in LIFE. Just ordinary "life".

  As a child, they successfully intimidated me out of my intuitions. Another life skill, destroyed.

  Your turn.
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  Knotty_boy

  As a child, one of the most devastating occurences, was when my parents deliberately instilled in my head, when I was 4 years old.. that there was no Santa, Easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc. This probably sounds petty, to most adults.. but as a child, it was crushing.. It ruins a childhood!! I can remember exactly where we were on the hwy. when they started this subject.. I have never forgotten, and that has been 23 years ago.. A parent (non-cult) generally insists on their children beleiving in this tradition for as long as they can get them to beleive in it. Alot of parents, even cry and get upset, when their 11 or 12 year old child, starts having doubts about the actuality of Santa. It's a child hood dream, that people should cherish, as long as these children can beleive!!!!! And my parents extinguished my dream, intentionally like a cigarette butt.
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  NeonMadman

  Alot of parents, even cry and get upset, when their 11 or 12 year old child, starts having doubts about the actuality of Santa.

  Errr, I wasn't raised a JW, and I pretty well knew by the age of 5 or 6 that Santa was really my family. So did most of my friends. I can't imagine a normal 11 or 12 year old still thinking Santa is real. By 12 years old, I was already interested in girls. I can't imagine dancing with a girl at a junior high school dance and then asking her (seriously) what Santa brought her for Christmas. There was a big time gap, for me at least, between Santa and girls...
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  Dia

  Knotty boy - So much of the emotion connected with an event is tied in with the context and what came before. From the little you've written, it would seem that your parents had no capacity for empathy. And - like many awful parents - expected you to think like an adult about things which were barely comprehensible as a child.

  I'm sorry they shattered your magic at such a tender age. As a parent, it is always tricky about how to hand out the magical things and how to later 'correct' them. Personally, I've found it very rewarding on all sides to hand out LOTS of magic and to later encourage them to find the 'truth' of these situations by saying, 'Hm...that's something you have to figure out yourself', as we gently acknowledge that they are getting older and smarter. (Exceptions made, of course, if it just gets TOO thorny for them.)

  And then we all have a very good laugh about all the sneaky things we did to pull off our loving surprises. And then - surprise! - they might pull our own stunts on us!

  It's a very fun thing to do. I'm very sorry that I never experienced it as a child and that most JW children also have not.

  ps - I agree that 11 or 12 is a little old. At that point, your child risks being socially ostracized. But each family has its own way. And kids themselves generally guide the discussion with various questions and such. I am a strong believer that you should not lie to a child at all, unless you want them to forever be uncertain about trusting you. But you can pull it all off without telling them lies, especially when they ask you directly.

  As far as parents getting upset and wanting them to believe it as long as possible, that's really an individual thing. Personally, I would not do that.

  I don't think anything good comes from wanting to trick them into believing something that is not real. Especially when you might want to have serious discussions with them one day about God and religion and such.

  But I can only speak for me.

  Generally, the various ways that people deal with these things runs the entire gamut. With JWs being somewhere on the bottom, of course.

  Edited by - Dia on 10 August 2002 11:10:27

  Edited by - Dia on 10 August 2002 11:12:47

  Edited by - Dia on 10 August 2002 11:20:12
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  Wolfgirl

  For me, growing up was difficult. I didn't know how to think on my own or make my own decisions. Once when we were feeling really brave, we asked my father if it was OK for us to have a differing opinion even if we obeyed him...as in, we do what you say, but we feel differently. His exact words? "No."

  I had a lot of learning to do when I moved out on my own. The stupid thing is, my parents are terrible at making decisions. They make the worst ones possible, and are always having trouble because of it.
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  jozb5

  When I was a child I used to wish with all my heart that Santa Claus was real and he would just once bring me presents for christmas.

  I have always loved christmas and the whole holiday season, even though I was born into and raIsed within the organisation. When I got married to my non-jw husband, I was the one who decided we needed a christmas tree.

  I take great joy in celebrating all of the holidays with my children and yes they do believe in Santa Claus (to the distain of my parents.)

  Josie

  Edited by - jozb5 on 10 August 2002 16:4:12
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  Xandria

  We all have had different experiences with our parents and decisions they have made. Believe me, my parents are more in common with Wolfgirls.

  My parents were not the greatest, many bad decisions

  (Even not making a decision is a decision.) We are left to pick up the pieces and go on. Some is not easy to do, and people who dont come from a background like this dont always understand.

  I have heard many peoples opinions, example: Why didnt you leave? or Why did you allow this to happen to you? You could have gone to the authorities. What they dont understand that you were under such strict lock down (that is the only way I can describe it). You were accounted for at every turn and it was easy in some cases for parents to laugh certain issues off, when it was brought up by teachers to our parents.

  My step father was notorious for mental and emotional abuse (as well as severe neglect). Any one who did not agree with him was a Moron or the stupidest person on earth. My mother her word was law and if you dared to disagree, you were beaten into submission.

  All this has had it toll on us. We (my sister and I) are afraid of failure, to venture out and take a risk, we shrink from confrontational issues (begin to shake severely or become upset I have to walk away . (Guess it is a fight or flight program in me). I feel like I am not allowed to voice my thoughts and I am fearful of betrayal.

  My other sister, I am waiting for her to sort some things out. We talk but, it is kind of a retrospective of the past and questioning of things. She was so young then and her father (spewing junk) and not handling things . Has left a lot un-answered for her and there are still things that she has not found the strength to deal with yet. (I am still here waiting).

  Xandria

  Edited by - xandria on 10 August 2002 20:28:56

  Edited by - xandria on 10 August 2002 20:30:20
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  mommy1

  It makes me a little sad when my kids ask me what I did when I was a kid or what did I get for my birthday or christmas as a child. The holidays are such fun with kids, simple things like a birthday cake, Easter egg hunt, or making christmas cookies has such special memories. I have none as a JW kid. I really have to think for awhile to remember any fun with my family as a kid.
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  FreeToBeMe

  'Spare the rod, spoil the child' was the rule enforced in the house I was raised in. I was neither spared nor spoiled, and the physical abuse was actively encouraged by other Org. members. It was hidden under the guise of 'discipline' or made somewhat more acceptable by the use of the word 'strict'. It doesn't surprise me now that adults look the other way when welts and bruises are seen. For me, it was the loss of friends that was most telling from my time as a JW kid... I haven't found anyone other than a former JW kid, or another adult who was subject of parental abuse, who understands. Most seem to think that as a child I should have said something, should have left, or they think that other adults (e.g. school teachers) would somehow notice something awry and say something... wrong!!!!

  I now understand that as a child I did what I had to do to survive. Some think that the notion of 'survive' is too strong suggesting that parents wouldn't actually kill their children. How naive. How blind to the perceptions of a child. Parents have killed their children, (as unpalatable as that may sound), and when a child is being thrashed with some implement, or they are being deprived of food, or being forced to eat on the floor with the animals, when they are being deprived of love and nurturance, they don't know that they aren't going to die. And when the child is taken to hospital because the 'discipline' went to far? If the child doesn't follow what the parents have coached them to say, the child is going to die. Why? Because the parents said so, because they say to 'honour your father and your mother', because they say that you were bad and had to be punished, because they say that God loves you, and if you don't say as they say you must say then God will destroy you at Armaggedon. JW kids are in a no-win situation. If I stay I'm going to die, if I say anything I'm going to die, if I leave I'm going to die.

  LOLOLOL.... all because God loves me. How sick is that? Then the teachers join in. The ridicule. The householders join in... ridicule, verbal abuse, threats of violence. Really brave guys and gals, to threaten an 8 year old kid who hasn't got a choice in the matter other than to do as his parents said. Nice one! Your lack of understanding kept me in the Org. longer than need be. And yet, in amongst all this 'love' there were shining gold nuggets of real understanding, love, compassion and trust.. and it is these ones that led me gently out of the Org. without a realistaion of what they were actually doing. In the JWs my life was full of terror... on leaving it? I'm realistic enough to know that terror exists (in and out of the Org.) however, it isn't as bad as JWs portray. There's masses of gold nuggets out here and I've got a vault full. All I had to do was look for them.

  I have forgiven my parents. I have forgiven the 'blind' adults of my childhood world. I've found me another family. I can be grateful for what I have today. It is hard word for me to make friends, but the effort is so worthwhile. What's more I have my wife and two wonderful sons. We have a close relationship. Words fail me when I think of the beauty of it all now... my birth parents aren't a part of my world today (their choice), but I have gained so much more. It's a direct correlation to the amount of effort put in, if only to ensure that the same thing isn't repeated.

  Thanx for starting the thread Dia

  FreeToBeMe

  (Oh, and just in case some sicko's out there think I'm full of hate and I should put this all behind me and forget it. Wrong!!!!!! The healing is in the capacity to actually talk about it, to be able to string a few words together and to acknowledge 'this is what happened'. It is in the talking about it that understanding occurs, from my experience. The understanding leads to forgiveness. And no, I will not forget what happened to appease some other person's disquiet, neither will I refuse to talk about it because of another's unease. This is me, I'm FreeToBeMe. The hate, anger and terror has passed to be replaced with an inordinate capacity to love.)