Supreme Court Rules Earnings Should
Be Protected As "Art"
Recognition of Pro-Formalist Movement Gets WorldCom,
Andersen Off Hook. Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -
In a surprise decision that exonerates dozens of major
companies, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that cor-
porate earnings statements should be protected as works
of art, as they "create something from nothing." "One plus
one is two. That is math. That is science. But as we have
seen, earnings and revenues are abstract and original
concepts, ideas not bound by physical constraints or
coarse realities, and must therefore be considered art,"
the Court wrote in its 7-2 decision.
The impact of the ruling was widespread. Investigations into
hundreds of firms were cancelled, and collectors began
snatching up original balance sheets, audits, and P&L
statements from WorldCom, Enron, and Global Crossing.
Meanwhile, auditing firms such as Arthur Andersen (now
Art by Andersen) were reclassified as art critics, whose
opinions are no longer liable. "Before we had to go in and
decide, 'Is it right, or is it wrong?'" said KPMG spokesman
Dan Fischer. "Now we must only decide, 'Is it art?'"
In Congress, all further hearings into irregularities were
abandoned in favor of an abstract accounting lecture given
by Scott Sullivan, former Chief Financial Artist of WorldCom,
which had been charged with fraud for improperly account-
ing for $3.85 billion. "Art should reflect life, so what I was
really trying to accomplish with this third quarter report was
acknowledge that life is an illusion," said Sullivan, explain-
ing his acclaimed work, "10Q for the Period Ending 9/30/01."
U.S. Rep. Billy Tauzin of Louisiana, however, was forced to
apologize, admitting he could only see a lie. "Yes, well, a
man with a concretized view of the world may only be able
to see numbers that 'Don't add up,'" said a haughty Sullivan.
"But someone whose perceptions are not always chained
to reality - a stock analyst, say - may see numbers that,
like the human spirit, aspire to be greater than they are."
Several Sullivan pieces are now part of a new show at New
York's Museum of Modern Art entitled, "Shadows & Spread-
sheets: The Origins of Pro-Formalism." Robert Weidlin, an
SEC investigator and avid collector, was among the first to
peruse the Enron exhibit, which takes up an entire wing of
the museum "You look at these works, and you say 'Is this
a profit, or a loss? Is this firm a subsidiary, or a holding
company?'" said Walden. "I have stood in front of this one
balance sheet for hours, and each moment I come away
with something different."
Like other patrons, Weidlin said he didn't know whether to
be impressed or outraged, a reaction that pleased Andrew
Fastow, the former Enron CFA who is a leading proponent
of the Trompe L'Shareholder style. "An artist should not
be afraid to be shocking," said Fastow. "As did the
Modernists, we should fearlessly depart from tradition and
embrace the use of innovative forms of expression. Like,
say, 'Special Purpose Entities' and 'Pooling of Interests.'"
Sullivan, meanwhile, said he was influenced by the Flemish
Masters, particularly Lernout & Hauspie, the Belgian
speech recognition software company that collapsed last
year after an audit discovered the firm had cooked its books
in 1998, 1999, and 2000. "Lernout & Hauspie simply in-
vented sales figures, just willed them out of thin air and onto
the paper," he said. "Me? I must live with a spreadsheet a
long time before I begin to work it. You must be patient
and wait until the numbers reveal themselves to you." And
what about the reaction to his work? "I realize people are
angry, people are hurt. But I cannot concern myself with
that," he said. "As with all true artists, I don't expect to be
understood during my lifetime." (The MOMA exhibit runs
through Sept. 3. Admission is $8, excluding a one-time
write down of deferred stock compensation and other costs
associated with the carrying value of inventory.)
Supreme Court rules corp. earnings "art.&q...
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