"Once Upon a Time..."

by LucidSky 14 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  LucidSky

  I had a fantasy once. It wasn't so bizarre. I'm certain that most people have wished that they would never have to die. My problem is that I believed it was true. For most of my life, really. I was going to live forever as a perfect being! Friends would be with me, my family -- everyone I've ever loved! All wrongs, all injustices would be set straight. It was truly a paradise...

  The realization didn't come instantly (more like in ever-increasing surges): "Is it really so? ...I'm going to die." There will be a time when I am dead and gone, never to return. There will be a time that everyone I know won't be here. There will be a time that none of us on this planet right now will even exist.

  Sometimes when I'm alone, I sit on my bed, close my eyes and think. I often find myself reflecting on where my life has been and where it's going. I think about everything I used to believe. Sometimes I cry, knowing it was all a foolish fairy tale that I was told, one that I believed with all my heart. I feel so let down.

  I don't want to die. I keep hoping that this life isn't all there is. But how could I ever know something like that? If there is Something Greater out there, it doesn't appear to be perfectly described in any Holy Books I've heard of. Perhaps I could eventually know. More probably, I never will.

  Still searching for my lucid sky...

  Rob

  Edited by - LucidSky on 1 July 2002 17:48:41
• 

  IamI

  Rob,

  I know what you are talking about. From the sounds of it you have given up all belief in a life after death, but not all hope. Don't give up hope; hope is what keeps us alive; keeps us going. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably die in "this system of things" but would be more than happy if God decides to intervene before then.

  To be perfectly honest, the silence of God in response to my prayers bothers me more than a little. I found myself searching for proof of a spirit world watching Pet Psychiatrist! For some reason I felt that proving a spirit world existed, proved that God existed.

  Almost every decision that I have made in life has been based on how God would view it and now I find it difficult to make decisions. I have never had the selfish point of view of "I'll be good if you give me everlasting life and paradise"; I always viewed that as a "nice to have" extra; I felt as though I owed God my loyalty, imperfect as it was but did not deserve a reward.

  All the same, I find that there many reasons to believe and deep down I do believe. Too many things in the Bible become totally illogical if it isn't true. I believe it is true and that there is a God who cares and that I do have a hope, but I don't understand much of the rest in the end!

  I am I

  P.S: What does one have to do to start a topic on this forum?
• 

  Gopher

  I am I,

  Just click "post new topic" in the lower left corner, rather than "post reply". That'll get your new thread started!
• 

  Incense_and_Peppermints

  it is sad. it was all just a fairy tale. but reality is so much better. as far as death and dying, their favorite trump card to play to new recruits, i don't believe this life is all there is. i don't want to die either, but i feel that if i do, i will come back again, in my next life. i also feel that when we die, we are free from our 'clumsy' earthly bodies and our spirits soar into the heavens and we visit exquisitely beautiful places we can only see now from our telescopes. i don't know why i feel this way. i just do. i don't want to live forever on earth. it would be like living in a giant habitrail or people zoo. i have lost many loved ones and i know i will see them again, in another life.

  i'm sorry you're sad...

  A Giant Star Factory in Neighboring Galaxy NGC 6822

  Resembling curling flames from a campfire, this magnificent nebula in a neighboring galaxy is giving astronomers new insight into the fierce birth of stars, which may have been more a typical occurrence in the early universe. The glowing gas cloud, called Hubble-V, has a diameter of about 200 light-years. A faint tail of gas trailing off the top of this Hubble Space Telescope image sits opposite a dense cluster of bright stars at the bottom of the irregularly shaped nebula.
• 

  LyinEyes

  Rob, I feel the same way. I thought I was so secure in what would happen if my family died. I guess that is my worst fear. I lost my mother and I have never gotten over that. My youngest son almost died, and it was so painful to watch him struggle to survive. He is fine now, but I always worry that something might go wrong. When I had the JW beleif, I felt that we would be together forever, no matter what. Now I just dont know. I can't say I even beleive in God or the Bible anymore. I have lost all of my faith. I may have some hope left, that I will find the some truth or something I can trust in.

  I think my experience of growing up JW has made it nearly impossible to ever trust man's words. I am glad that now I see that being JW was a fairy tale, but I do miss the secure feeling I thought I had. Even if it was false, I know it was, it was a big part of how I delt with my fears. Now I have to just learn to take things as they come. I don't think I will ever know for sure where we go when we die. I just know what you are talking about , the feeling of lose. But at least we have freedom, freedom to know the truth from a lie, and choose which road we will take. It has only been a year since I have been out, and I think my recovery and trust , will just take time. In the mean time I plan on focusing on my family and being happy. I am planning a trip to the bookstore soon, to get some new books on different theories and hopefully something will make some sense to me. I don't think there is only one way , one truth, I think that each person finds their own spirituality.
• 

  Solace

  Oh Rob,

  I know that there is more to this life. There was a time when I felt so empty inside, when I found out all that I ever believed in was a big lie. My J.W. uncle said to me "well, if it isnt the truth, what is?"

  Its like, we need to believe in something. Anything, ya' know?

  Not to sound dumb but prayer actually helped me. For the first time I really prayed to "God" to please help me know the truth. I really didnt care what it was. I was just sick of the lies and manipulation. Suddenly, when reading the bible, I noticed scriptures I never had before. Scriptures that proved the society false about blood, the condition of the dead, 144,000 etc.. Yes little ole' me, going against my big J.W. family with questions they couldnt answer. They continued asking me, "who have you been talking to, what have you been reading". "Uh, the bible, why?" I would honestly tell them. From there, I started doing more research and the rest is history. I know some will say that it could have all been coincidence but I dont care. I know in my heart it wasnt. I Was never the type of person to go against what I believed in or what I was taught. I honestly know that something or someone helped me because I opened my heart and mind and asked for guidance instead of just sitting back with a closed mind, as I always had.

  My family would probably tell you it was satan himself guiding me. As if Satan would tell me to read the bible, ya' know?
• 

  joannadandy

  Hugs to you lucid!

  Dude get out of my brain!

  Thank you for your post!! It said perfectly what I have been feeling for quite a few months...it felt good to read that I am not alone
• 

  terafera

  I honestly know that something or someone helped me because I opened my heart and mind and asked for guidance instead of just sitting back with a closed mind, as I always had.

  Heaven, boy can I relate. I've been on the same kind of journey...asking God for guidance, and asking him that whatever it may be, please let it be made known. More and more I find myself finding the jw mindset wrong. Like you said, jws could say this is because we are spiritually weak...I say it is because I've never asked God for the Truth. I've always assumed jws had the Truth and just asked him to help me be a better jw. I really see the difference in how I approach God now, too. I am not afraid of wording things right...afraid he'll be mad at me. I feel freer to let him search my heart out.

  Lucid, you spoke what I feel. I've had kidney problems since birth and have always heard, 'dont worry about it...you'll be in the New System before you ever have health problems from it!' Well, guess what? Because my parents never looked into preventative health care (diet restrictions, meds, etc) I am now 28 and on a kidney transplant list. Not saying they could do anything to prevent my health problems...but their attitude was 'dont think about it. Jehovah will destroy this system soon anyway.' When the doctor told me I needed dialysis, I almost fainted. I started crying....he thought I was an idiot because I had kidney disease for over 20 years and should have seen this coming. But in my mind, I was never going to have to deal with it. I've been 'dealing' with it now for 5 years. I see myself now doing things I never thought I'd be able to do. I was told the New System would be here when I was in high school. I'm pushing 30. I'm now having to face that I (if I'm lucky) will grow old and possibly die....something I would not and could not face a few years ago.

  Great post.

  Edited by - terafera on 1 July 2002 21:40:7
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  Undecided

  Hi Rob,

  I understand the feelings you have. When you get my age and see so many of the people you know dieing, when about all the JWs you knew growing up are dead, and about once a week you read in the obituaries of some one you know dying(today there was a funeral of a lady I worked with for years) it makes you realize you're next. When you look at movies and see so many of the actors that you knew so well as a kid are dead (Rosemary Clooney and Delores Gray died today, they were popular in my youth) you begin to worry.

  But, everything we know that is alive will die, that is apparently God's way of making things, even the universe will burn out in time.

  SO I guess the only thing to do is live NOW, if you can afford it.

  Ken P.
• 

  crownboy

  LucidSky, you mirror alot of my sentiments in your piece. While I haven't sat up and cried about it, I did think about the whole God and afterlife thing a lot after I started questioning my whole belief system. I really wanted to believe, not necessarily as much for the afterlife, but more to bring some sort of definite "meaning" to life. I did think a lot about the afterlife issue, but if I were to live forever, much like Incense_and_Peppermints, I would have to explore more than this earth. I always had the "unholy" thought as a JW about us running out of things to do after awhile in the "new system". While I knew some pretty dogmatic "earth forever" JW's, myself and quite a lot of people I talked to in the hall would imagine that after a while, we would leave the earth and explore new things, as ultimately there is only a finite number of things that can be done on earth.

  Today, while I don't necessarily hold that there is no afterlife possible (nor for that matter God, though the absence of objective evidence leads me not to believe in anything right now), I'm not too concerned about it, and I'm perfectly ok with the possibility of their being nothing (my non- existence didn't seem to bother me for the eternity before I was born ). If I can go to my death bed with a smile on my face, knowing that I lived a life of fullness, kindness, and would be fondly remembered by those I love (or even by the public at large), I'll consider the rest "icing on the cake".

  (Edited to (((terafera))). Hang in there .)

  Edited by - crownboy on 1 July 2002 21:47:18

  Edited by - crownboy on 1 July 2002 21:47:53