Going to the assembly this year? Are you ready to fall asleep by 10:05am when the opening song and prayer are over? Wonder how you'll ever make it to 5 o'clock without losing it? Well fear no more! Below are several tips you can put into practice to get you through the day from the moment you park your car till the time you scurry outta there back to your hotel room!
1. The first order of the day is getting some strong COFFEE - and I don't mean that watery stuff from McDonalds either; I mean the Dark Roast Columbia beans from Starbucks - chew the beans for that extra "buzz" that you'll need fighting the happiest people on earth, for a seat.........
2. Do you find it difficult to get good seats for you and your family? Tired of climbing all those stairs up to the nosebleed section, knowing that one wrong move will send you a-tumbling? Well fear no more! You can avoid this hassle a couple of ways. a) You can "volunteer" for being an "attendent" if you're a male, which means that you get into the auditorium earlier than everyone else. Don't let them fool you with that crap 'no one can save seats till the doors are open.' Believe me, all the attendents get seats before the herd. Once you have your pick of the seats simply fold your volunteer badge up and put it in the contribution box on your way out for some more coffee beans. b) Look the auditorium over carefully and then choose the seats you want. Don't worry if there's already bibles and songbooks on the seats; simply gather them up and take them to the Lost and Found section. Check out the coolers stashed under the seat to see if there's anything worth eating. Take one bite out of all the sandwiches and then put them back exactly how you found them. When the assembly starts and the family shows up and accuses you of taking their seats, look at them in total shock and announce loudly that Milton Henchel is your cousin and that if they don't leave you alone, you'll have them all disfellowshipped by the next Theocratic Ministry School meeting. Whisper that they can have the seats back for $50.00 each, promising to put it in the contribution box. After they leave, enjoy the rest of the sandwiches and pop.
3. If there are people sitting in the seats in front of you (denying you the right to put your feet up on the seats), make lots of noise, such as chopping loudly on chips, crackers or even better: Crunch a Munch.........smack your lips noisely while opening cans of pop. When they turn around to give you the evil eye, grin at them at say: No oblo English! Keep this up until they leave in disgust. The minute they do, put their seats up for sale.
4. Tired of looking up all those scriptures telling you that you're not doing enough in God's Organization? The answer is simple: bring a novel to read, placing it inside your bible (either The Godfather or Is Elvis Alive? fit snugly into the bible. Everyone around you will be impressed that your eyes never leave the bible and how totally immersed you are spiritual things.
5. The afternoon sessions arrive and you're bored out of your mind. You keep hoping the drama will hold your interest, but it's even worse than last years. Bring a straw to your seat along with some peas. You'll have to be sitting close enough to the stage for this one, but start shooting peas through the straws at all the actors in the drama. Watch them lose their cool as they try to continue on as though nothing's happened. Repeat this once they're thru and the main speaker is back on stage telling you what a fine example you just saw! Aim for the head. If he's wearing glasses, he'll wonder what the hell's going on and will probably lose his train of thought and start repeating himself. Start laughing out loud the minute he does. If caught, you will be disfellowshipped on the spot, but take comfort in knowing that you made 20,000 people laugh their heads off.
6. If there's any small kids sitting in front of you, (99.9% chance of this) start making faces at them till they start laughing. Their mothers will probably give them a smack and drag them to the bathroom for another one, but don't worry, they probably wanted to get up anyway. Whisper to you kid that if they start to cry, you'll take them out for an icecream cone. March them out of there in righteous anger when they start crying and then head for the nearest Baskin Robbins.
7. Start smiling and winking at all the attendents "guarding" the speaker (this will only work for women). Hike up your skirt and cross your legs like Sharon Stone did in Basic Instinct. While all the guards are drooling over your legs, your friend is now free to shoot all the peas he wants at the speaker. As the male guards have been totally distracted by your friend, your chances of getting disfellowshipped will be greatly reduced. For those that feel particularly daring, you could fly a paper airplane on to the stage. If anyone looks at you, point discreetly at the person sitting next to you and roll your eyes in disgust.
8. For the concluding song, start singing really loud, really off-key and one word ahead of everyone else. This throws everyone around you off, especially if you are singing "Be Glad You Nations". If anyone gives you a dirty look, wink at them and wave as though you were long-lost friends. (heh-heh-heh-heh-heh)