i committed the unforgiveable sin

by 060702015 52 Replies latest jw experiences

  • 060702015

    everyday i wake up with knots in my stomach and trouble breathing. my life continues to go into a downward spiral. in the past, i had my dependence on God. my family life has been dysfunctional then my social life became sordid since high school. my issue is this, my mother and one of my older half-sister that i grew up with were religious. however they were abusive to me (not only to me tho but anyway). i couldnt find solace in our place of worship either.

    the people of this religious congregation that we switch to when i was in middle school were cold and nasty to me. it was a new congregation but the same religion i grew up with. i began saying to myself well Jehovah God obviously doesnt want me apart of his organization. their religion is under the umbrella of Christianity but it is an organization that is slightly different from main stream Christianity.

    eventually my flawed logic and feelings began to go into dark places. i started to think things about Jehovah God that were not true. i started to think maybe im worshiping the wrong God and "someone bad" else instead, and other awful things. things that led me to commit the unforgivable sin. the unforgivable sin is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit” in Matthew 12:31-32

    i approached my mother with my concerns. she just replied oh well even the sun shines on sinners. ive had a stressful life that seems to get only worse no matter how i try to make improvements. its make me angry and depressed how my life has been so unpleasant and how i will only go on to suffer even more after i die. no matter how hard i try to live my life according to God he will never forgive me and i suffer the consequences by being destroyed or eternal hell fire.

    i remember my mother cursing me out because i wasnt addressing her to hello after i came home from school i just go to my room. after cursing me out. i began to laugh out of nervousness and she told me that she wouldnt care if i burned in hell. even tho her religion doesnt subscribe to the traditional view of people burning in hell, i felt like she had evil intentions for me beyond this life at that moment which eventually has come to be true i will suffer after this life.

    i remember my mother saying since she is a baptized Jehovah Witness she has complete reign over everyone in the house. i thought immediately i cant be a JW and live here too. But I shouldnt have thought that. I've always been a weak person running away from pain

    my dad said he wasnt stupid enough to believe all people of my mothers religion or God was bad due his few experiences with the organization. he is not apart of my mother religion even tho they are married. i wasnt smart or spiritual strong to withstand what i was going through. i still live at home, ive had trouble gaining stable employment even after obtaining a decent degree. i carry huge resentment toward my mom and sister for my unforgivable sin ive made even tho it is my fault . my dad said he hope i get a decent job soon so i can move out, distant myself away from them and the other family chaos then he might be leaving too.

    i cant get out of this circle of mess ive created. atleast when ppl committed to suicide or die natually they have hope of finding peace. but after i died im going to suffer more and more than ive had on earth

  • GodZoo


    Hell? Punishment after death? God hating you? Unforgivable sin? Blasphemy against the Spirit?

    It's all in your head.

    Get a grip..

    Get counselling.

  • nicolaou

    Stop. Stay calm and don't rush into anything. Firstly, you are a person who matters - not just an anonymous number. Can you give us a name we can use, even if it's not your real name?

    Secondly, don't worry about God's judgement of you. Right now, what's far more important is how you feel about yourself and clearly you need some kindly help there.

    Others will comment more ably than I can, please listen to them and consider seeking some professional counselling.

    Keep posting .


  • Finkelstein

    Dont overly fret about seeing the lies and corruption of the Watchtower Corporation, they've been doing it a long time to sustain the operation of the organization and for the men to keep the power and control of which they have acquired.

    Religion really is a game of lies and false information, so when you've had enough, you shouldn't feel guilty or depressed, rather you feel appreciatively grateful and respectful for your own honesty and personal integrity.

    Take care,

  • OneEyedJoe

    Thanks for sharing your experience.

    First of all, you're not bad or evil or without value. You've had the grave misfortune of having been raised in a toxic, controlling and stifling environment. While you're upbringing is by no means a normal situation to have had to endure (and the resultant extreme emotional turmoil is therefore completely understandable) it's not unique. What's more is that there are many, many people (quite a few of them, here) that have been through a very similar experience and are now living happy, healthy, productive lives. If you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get there too.

    I highly recommend you educate yourself on Steve Hassan's BITE model for control (www.freedomofmind.com) as this is the weapon that's been used against you. The good news is that just understanding it and recognizing it's use will do the bulk of the work of disabling it and undoing it's effects. A portion of the control you've been under has been designed to influence your thoughts and convince you that you are guilty of some crime for the mere act of thinking something. This is an incredibly stifling way to live and is designed to prevent you from seeing a way out from under the control.

    I hope you stick around here for a while. If your experience follows mine, you'll find many people here who will show you greater love and genuine support than you've ever found from your parents or in a kingdom Hall. Please know that you're an individual with intrinsic value. You're not going to be punished for lashing out in a difficult situation - and any god that would enact punishment for that would not be worthy of your worship even if he would reward you for it. I wish I had something of greater value to say to help you... I'm sure you'll get lots of support from the many kindred spirits you'll find here.

    Keep going and you will find the peace you deserve.

  • punkofnice

    Welcome 06. It's good that you have come on here and poured your heart out.

    I do not believe in god anymore but that's beside the point.

    "They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, "All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!" John 8:7

    What I'm trying to say is...don't beat yourself up. If your god reads hearts then you will be understood by that deity if that deity is a loving father. If not then he is not worth your time.

    What kind of god are you worshipping if he does this to you?

    my mother and one of my older half-sister that i grew up with were religious. however they were abusive to me

    Who is the greater sinner? You or they? Or no one?

    How old are you? You have much to learn.

    I still don't see what you've done that's wrong.

    i started to think things about God that were not true.

    Yes, so did I. I mistakenly believed there was a god. Now, I see no evidence.

    I think instead of obsessing over what a loving god will torture you for, perhaps research the very existance of such a vile creature. Just my 2 penneth. PM me if you want a chat, mate.

  • truthseeker100
    Welcome to the forum 0607 and congratulations on getting your degree.Look to the future soon you will be a working stiff.LOL keep posting and again well done getting your education behind you.
  • Iown Mylife
    Iown Mylife

    You are a precious life and you have a right to live on this earth. Nobody is more important than you, until you become a parent!

    Becoming an adult is so very difficult even if you're treated very well. Being abused and unloved makes it nearly impossible to grow into a capable adult. So keep reminding yourself that it is not your fault that you have been abused. You did nothing wrong, the blame is THEIRS.

    Making you feel like God disapproves of you is part of the abuse and mental control. God does not disapprove of you. Whenever you think like that just catch yourself and remember that you have been taught many lies in order to keep you under control.

    So very many people have managed to get out and recover from being brought up in a cult. Be determined to get yourself de-programmed. I am so glad you found this great forum because you will get a lot of help to heal!


  • GodZoo
  • 060702015
    I don't think counseling will fix a spiritual matter. Thank you for reading my experience. Everyday is hard on me it makes me sick to my stomach. Sleep is the only time I find relief. Enjoy your sunday.

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