Another "damned if they do/don't" Thread & the Perpetual Motion Machine

by DarioKehl 16 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  DarioKehl

  A few days ago, a JW apologist posted a thread with a similar title. Although he was defending their behavior, I've observed this cycle as well. I have a different spin on it, though.

  how often do you see posts from people who are upset that "no one even BOTHERS to check in on me," only to read as many threads about "they keep calling & texting--why won't they leave me alone?" I'll admit this double standard. I do it all the time. In both scenarios, I find a reason to get upset about it. Yes, I want them to leave me alone, but I also want to know people give a damn. Then I forget how much of a pickle THEY are in. Whether they're a diehard believer or a closeted doubter, they're just as conflicted and apprehensive about how to approach us because they're facing the same social pressure cooker that we all experienced! How quickly we forget. often, I have to tap the brakes and force myself to remember how it was inside (and it wasn't even that long ago).

  if you're still in but aware of TTATT, or trying to execute a smooth and painless fade, falling into this trap of anger & resentment will create a perpetual motion machine. It's happened to me with a few JWs. They may reach out & I get offended that they're probing into my business. Or, they may give me the cold shoulder if they see me in public and I get so angry about it. Either way, in both cases, I've engaged in self-destructive behavior by GIVING THEM MORE REASON to continue the treatment. "They obviously think bad of me already so I might as well give em something to talk about!" So I'll mention an R-rated movie or "questionable" TV show. I wear a scandalous metal band shirt. I'll do a burn out at a green light if I know they're watching. Anything to piss em off! Then the cycle continues.

  i envy you guys who've made a clean exit. If it wouldn't utterly destroy my family, I'd have left a long time ago with both middle fingers in the air.
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  joe134cd

  Speaking from experience I'm more perplexed than anything else. At an organisation will spend countless hours and hundreds of millions of dollars, taking abuse at doors and yet will do virtually nothing to retain a current member. I had it so eloquently explained to me like this. It's a bit like wanting to get an invite to a wedding even though you didn't really want to go. For me I was an active dubbie for decades, and although I didn't verbalize the reason I left was because I'm a mentally diseased apostate, I had not one elders visit. Honestly I'm left scratching my head when I hear reports of one's getting un-welcomed elders visits. I guess I'm just lucky that I slipped away with out been noticed.
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  The Searcher

  DITTO to the O.P.

  We've been in our new congregation for just under a year - no shepherding calls to find out why we miss meetings, assemblies, and zero F.S.

  On our necessary infrequent visit to the K.H., only 3 or 4 individuals even say 'hello'.

  Long may their version of the Christian hallmark @ John 13:35 - "love for one another" - continue!!

  How many hours do Witnesses proudly record on their Monthly Report, having stood at a trolley saying nothing to anyone, or knocked on countless doors of unreceptive householders?

  Every Witness should ask themselves this question - "How many minutes have I spent this month trying to encourage the elderly, single, unwell, lonely, or absent brothers & sisters in my congregation?

  But such time can't be recorded - so why bother?????

  It hasn't dawned on 8 million minds yet, that the Org's exhortations to give more money, give more obedience, give more skills, and give more recruitment time (F.S.) to "the corporation", is nothing to do with Christ's command to show love for one another!

  Definitely proof of "the only true Christian religion!!"
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  joe134cd

  Searcher= Very, very wise words, which I back up 100%. I remember a comment been made to me " it takes 10× more money and effort to find a new customer than what it takes to keep an existing one happy, and coming back. I think Wt could learn from this.

  Just to clarify my stance on the issue, IDK if I would damn them if they did or didn't. I'm really just at a loss to explain it.
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  Xanthippe

  So Dario if you miss people missing you at the KH perhaps you need to make a new support system outside the Borg. You are four years into your fade I think? How is it going with making new friends? It's natural to want people to care about us. We wouldn't be human if we didn't, but the comditional love is not something I miss.
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  Splash

  The double standard of "they never come to visit" vs "they won't stop calling" is nothing other than the standard JW modus operandi.

  JW's are so indoctrinated to having to take a single statement or event and apply it to one specific situation while ignoring the overall bigger picture, that they end up doing the same.

  How many times do we read something like the NT was written for the anointed, then told that the instruction to preach in Matt 28 was for all?

  Or instructed to go and discuss the fault with your brother first, only to be hauled into the back room by the elders for something you wasn't aware about.

  Or the illustration of the faithful slave takes 20 WT pages to explain, but the wicked slave receives one line: "there's no such thing".

  This, plus being told we are never doing enough, conditions JW's to look critically at others all the time, finding fault and using anything that might fit.
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  Oubliette

  Dario, your OP does bring up an interesting dichotomy.

  No one wants to be hounded, but it is also emotionally painful to find out that all of those friendships which we thought were "friends closer than a brother" were simply conditional, superficial, cult-indoctrinated relationships. It's even worse when we find out that family members will often shun us too just because we no longer want to carry on the pretense of belief in their delusions.

  What is missing from your OP is the kind of relationships that should exist in the religion, but doesn't: real ones. Probably none of us would object to people calling to check on us and see how we are if it was real and genuine and not just an attempt to get us to rejoin the cult or worse, find some "dirt" on us and haul us into a judicial committee.

  Let's review: It's a cult!
  
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  StephaneLaliberte

  Not too many people have come to see me and I made sure that it would be that way too.

  I was very clear with people that were close to me and told them that I would not tell them why I stopped going to the meetings. However, that I could tell them that it was not depression, too much work, health related, someone in the congregation, lack of energy or even any problem of any kind in my personal life.

  You can be sure that such a statement has been running around in the congregation and they all know what the issue truly is, but no one wants to face it : Its a problem with the teachings.

  As I have the reputation of having "an above average" biblical/history/spiritual knowledge, no one wants to go into a debate with me and thus, they leave me alone. And I like it that way.
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  OneEyedJoe

  I think what the OP misses is that there's more than 2 choices. When someone stops going to the cult meetings, the options aren't limited to either hounding/manipulation tactics or complete shunning. There's the "normal" option of just interacting with a person like they're a damn human being and not trying to manipulate them in any way. The reason they're "damned if they do, damned if they don't" is because (in most cases) whatever they do all falls into the same category - manipulation. The hounding by elders, the "we miss you" comments from people you never talked to, the love bombing if you happen to show up for an odd meeting, etc is all just as bad as the complete shunning and dropping you when you leave because it's manipulative behavior that shows that your only value to them is in your tacit endorsement of the cult by your presence.

  So in my opinion the simultaneous complains about being ignored and being hounded is not hypocrisy at all. It's all a valid complaint about the manipulative behavior of JWs that you probably once thought were real friends. It's painful coming to the realization that (for a born-in) everyone that you've ever had a relationship with only valued you because you were a fellow cultist. It makes your entire life feel like it's all been fake and a lie and manipulation and I think it's completely justifiable to complain about the continued manipulation, whatever form it takes.
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  DesirousOfChange

  No one wants to be hounded, but it is also emotionally painful to find out that all of those friendships which we thought were "friends closer than a brother" were simply conditional, superficial, cult-indoctrinated relationships.

  It's a two-edged sword -- it hurts either way you cut it.

  Doc