Married to jws, give me stength

by marriedtoajw 10 Replies latest jw friends

  • marriedtoajw

    My 23 year old son gave his first talk last year. He met a catholic girl shortly after that, his girlfriend now, and got a part time job and stopped going to meetings. Hasn't been to one in almost a year. His part tine job that my dister got for him required him to work sunday mornings. I have found condoms and weed in his room, didnt confront him about it. My wife has been spiratic in her meeting attendence during this time after a gung ho stint when she didnt miss a meeting for about a year after being spiratic in her attendence years before that.

    Ive been working 12 hour days 6 days a week most weeks for years to support us. My wife doesnt work and has never looked for work. She has blamed me a few times for that by claiming we had no gas money to look for work or blamed our computer beibg down and couldnt search for work online. When they are both up and running, she still doesnt look for work. Ive had to borrow money from family to keep things going, just under 10k over the last 2 years and we still might lose our house to the shock of my famy who i had to inform becsuse of how close we have come to losing it despite the help my family has given me. Im in bankruptcy now just to save the house and still it might not work. My wife is totally dillusional about so many things. My siblings use to come over my house or we would go to theirs just to bbq and hang out all the time. But there's tension now because my wifes indifference to our situation disturbs them when they see how hard i work. They dont respect my wife because of it. Weve had a couple of uncles pull away from extended family after becoming jws so my family knows the drill.

    Im not sure if my wifes jwism causes her indifference to our financial situation. Confrontation is against my nature so i supress alot of things which i know isnt healthy but im married to a jw with kids, i shouldnt have to say more than that. Now my son tells me he is quitting his job so he can attend meetings. He begged me to let him have a dog that he almost never cares for, has a $600 cell phone he has barely made a dent paying me back for it. I spent 1k trying to get his car running that i bought for him.

    I blame my wife and her family for instilling a mentality that Jehovah will bail them out of their financial responsinilities. They cant see anything long term.

    Im done with suppressing stuff. Let the chips fall where they may.

  • jgnat

    Your contribution to this mess is constantly caving in. As long as your little family fails to feel the pain of the situation, there is no incentive for them to change. You have the power in the relationship, as you hold the purse strings. Exercise that power to get the relief you need.

    Where in this equation did it become OK to give an immature young man, barely employed, his own cell phone, car, and dog? There's transit. If he can't care for the dog, he can give it away. There are pay as you go flip phones. If the boy wants to maintain the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed, he can pay for it. Twelve hour days if necessary.

    I think you need to carve out some funds to get some personal counselling.

    You don't mention what state you are in but there are debt restructuring services that also provide courses. Such courses should be mandatory for your wife to attend.

    There should be a clothing, transportation, and food budget. No joint bank accounts. When the budget is gone, it's gone. You may go to a cash system where the available funds are divvied in to envelopes.

    I understand that your personality type doesn't want to be despised. But your family holds you in contempt anyhow. By standing your ground, you have the best chance at least to be respected. Or prevent an early grave from working yourself in to the ground.

  • jgnat

    Jim Carrey is an example of a resilient young man who helped his family work their way out of poverty. It's about time the tough issues you are facing become a family problem.

  • nonjwspouse

    Exactly, you do need to stop enabling them with their " take" attitude regardless of where it came from. Your job is to do your besT and that includes allowing the consequenses to befall those who don't contribute to the family. Better late than never. I hope you find and keep the strength and resolve to move forward in your financial recovery.

  • Quarterback

    Wait till you are discharged from Bankruptcy, and then sell your home and move to a place within your means. Whether you are a JW or not, you can't force people to want to work. But you also shouldn't be carrying the whole load. Let your married son live his own lif

  • scary21

    Everyone needs to know the difference between your needs and your wants. Needs come first. Wants come second. When you spend your money on wants and have none left for needs well, that is a problem.

    Needs- home, water,electric, food, ( heathy but no t-bones ) maybe car but only for going to work.

    Wants- cell phone , cable, internet, pets, expensive clothes ( go to good will ) entertainment like going out to eat the bar or show. extra cars( your wife can go to do the grocery shopping when you get home ) if she does not have a job a car for her is a want.

    Even stopping for coffee or soda at a gas station 5 days a week is a $30.00 a month soda bill.

    You must live within your means or you could lose your NEEDS ! A $600.00 cell phone.....really ??? OMG

    You only owe a minor child his needs....same goes for your wife. Good luck ! Sorry if you think I'm harsh but I would hate to see you homeless.

  • Vanderhoven7

    Cut the internet and head for McDonalds for WiFi when you need it. Cut allowances so they cover needs only. Make sure your bank accounts are accessible to you alone. If you have a joint account, open up a personal one at a new bank and have your salary deposited in that account. You pay all the household bills. Your family will not seek work unless they feel the pinch. No more nice guy enabler. Your moto = Jehovah does not want us to default on our bills or go bankrupt. Be the man.

  • marriedtoajw

    Ok guys, all the financial advice is appreciated its all being done. Minimums on almost everything. Cell phones and cable totaling $350/mo is the only luxuries, everything else is being done.

    Yes an enabler i have been to my oldest son because i wanted him to have a sence of responsibility in paying me back what ive done for him. He had paud some but he doesnt make much and jobs are not plentiful.

    My wifes entire immediate famly dont have jobs. Mom, dad, sis,bil, all do odd jobs and ren theur homes from a jw charging cheap rent, grandmas retired, even aunts and uncles are either in jail. employed part time or do odd jobs, most of them jws. They've all lost their houses years ago.

    Sometimes it seems that they have to justify their beliefs by creating situations that produce the problems they say the world produces, ie financial distress, bad familial relationships, delusional thinking etc.

    Because ive always wanted some sort of spiritual unity with my wife, ive entertained the thought tat maybe ive been wrong about the watchtower. But that feeling doesnt last long. Ive learned too much... ive even thought of joining her in this religion in hopes of somehow getting her out from within. I just dont have the strength...

  • joyfulfader

    I switched to antennae TV (40 channels) and Netflix. Initial investment of $35 for antennae and I pay $7.99/mo for Netflix. So $8/ month for plenty of options tv wise. Walmart has a great family cell program that is waaaaaaay less expensive and you can keep whatever carrier you have and have a smart phone. Internet can be as little as $40 per month if you use the companies against one another. No reason at all to spend $350 on those "luxuries". I now use my savings to go back to school and hope to have my Master's in Forensics Nursing in 4 years.

    Its a difficult cycle to break but it CAN be done. Mine was a choice, not a necessity. I just got tired of throwing my money away. Calculate how much each episode of your favorite TV program costs and see if it's worth it.

  • jgnat

    Kudos marriedtoajw for wading back in to the discussion. We're never short of opinions here, LOL.

    I don't think you can force your wife to change. She's too adept at avoiding work. So you are left with all the things you can do to make the best life for yourself. I'd like to see you off that insane work schedule. I'd like to see your son be accountable to a third party (not you!) to learn responsibility. Let's see if he will entertain quitting his job when he has bills to pay! I'd like to see you empowered in new ways to speak up and be respected by your family (hence the counselling advice).

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