Dear Brothers and lower class citizens (aka "Sisters"),
We are living in the last days . . . no really, we're for sure this time.
We know that two years ago we said the end would most likely have come by now but this time we're really sure. It's not like four years ago when we said this is really, really, the end. And it's definitely not like ten years ago when we said we are almost absolutley certain the end will come in the next year or two. This time, we are really, really, really, sure! We know that fifteen years ago we said it would be "any day now" but that doesn't count. And please completely disregard what we said twenty years ago about the generation born in 1914 having almost completely died off (God has illuminated in hind sight that wasn't meant to be taken litteraly - as many brothers and lower class citizens did when they read what we were obviously saying but we now didn't actually mean).
We have "new light." We wont tell you where this new light comes from or how it came into our possesion, but please rest assured that we have it this time . . . no really, we do. It's not like the "new light" from forty years ago when we told you to sell your homes. That was different "new light." This new "new light" is much better. It comes from God himself - not that it didn't come from God last time but this time it's different - really. Just trust us okay? We are inspired by God which is why our track record of exactly ZERO fulfilled predictions and dozens of failed prophecies is an indicator of our devine inspiration.
The most humble people on all the planet (who know they are much better than you),