If you were leaving your partner...

Sirona

If you were leaving your husband or wife and you knew that your leaving would cripple them financially, what would you do?

If you were leaving the family home and you knew that your actions would mean your spouse couldn't make the payments, would you offer to help?

Am I being unreasonable in expecting that if someone is going to destroy you and leave then they might be considerate enough to not also take away your home? (BTW in this scenario, the individual being left is still trying to work it out)

Sirona

Please help...I'm having one of the worst days of my life

dmouse

When two people put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak, one of the parties usually takes a back seat financially to help the team.

If the partner with higher financial potential leaves then it's not fair on the remaining partner to be left in that position, especially if they've made sacrifices for the 'marriage'. (Both partners have legal rights in the case of a marriage - check with a lawyer)

What I'm trying to say is that even if a relationship breaks down it doesn't negate the responsibilities undertaken at the beginning. Both partners have a duty to ensure that the other is not left destitute because of a breakup. It is the least someone could do, even if they can't live together anymore, to provide some finincial assistance in the case of real need.

Mimilly

Sirona, I don't think a questionaire will answer your questions. I would advise said spouse (that is being left) to find out their rights from a lawyer. Even if that spouse is trying to work it out -it takes two to do that - not one.
Financially, there are laws regarding alimony, palimony, child support, the dividing of assets.
The spouse being left may be devastated, but will only be destroyed if he/she allows that to happen.
My advice is to speak to a lawyer and get into mediation. Mediation helps to solve these problems without the 'emotions' getting in the way of the solutions. Especially during these situations do our emotions of revenge and pain sabotage the real solutions. Hope this helps.

hugs,
Mimilly

Sirona

I should explain.

It happened 2 years ago and the person left (me) did not take action. It was all I could do to get through the day without killing myself.

Nowadays, I'm still paying a loan I was left with and I'm being held back from making progress in my life. I have to live with family because I can't get my own place.

I'm trying to look at it objectively and ask myself if he was wrong in not helping me stay in our house. He paid off what he considered was his half of monies owing and then left the country for a 6 month working holiday, returned, bought his own house....and is happily living there now with no financial problems. I'm still trying to get back on my feet 2 years later. I couldn't pay off what I owed straight away like he could AND he left me with more money owing because he said that was because I had "the contents of the house". The contents of the house came to about £500 when I sold them...and I'm not joking.

Today something happened that gutted me...I can't go into details its too confidential but put it this way: I'm going to be living with family for a lot longer.

I am so hurt today...I feel like I will never make progress and there he is with a nice house, car, etc.

Heres the great part...we are back together. !!!!!! 6 months ago he returned saying he was sorry and wanted to get back together. No offer of helping me pay things. I still love him (like a complete IDIOT) and I had been tremendously miserable the whole time we were apart. We have been back together 6 months...he offered for me to move in with him. I refused because I still owe money, and I knew that if he wanted he could throw me out at any time and I'd be up s**t creek again without a paddle. I might be stupid (e.g. going back with him) but I'm not THAT stupid as to think that I want to share finances with him again. His name is going nowhere near mine again.

Anyway, thats my messed up life. I know that nothing is safe on this board, but what the heck.

Sirona

** http://www.religioustolerance.org **

XLovesMeNotX

Hugs to you honey...Dont assume that this person who is doing the leaving has ANY compassion about the financial status of the person they are leaving. Usually, they aim to punish the person more. The one being left should seek a lawyer immediately to protect their assets and make sure they have representation if the leaver tries to sell the house out from under them or take everything. It sounds like it is too late to "work things out" and its time to play hardball. If the person being left is trying not to "hurt the feelings" of the person who is leaving, its time to stop being needy and stick up for themselves. Nobody else will.

I watched my mother in law try desperately to do "anything" to keep her first husband. He was long gone for a LONG time before he actually left the house. Already had a new woman, a new home, a new life established. Moving out was just the last thing on his list.

Dont do the pity party, there will be time for crying later. Anybody who would leave somebody homeless is not worth the salt in the tears.

Grab those bootstraps! Its HIS loss.

Let us know how you are. Or...how "THEY" are...doing.

Loves

When a JW asks me if I have nothing better to do than spend my days bashing religion, I reply "Actually, no, I don't. I'm a PIONEER, just like you." :)

Englishman

So you split up with a chap, did some sort of financial deal that didn't do you any favours, finished up living with a relative, now you're back together as an item but not yet living together, he wants you to move in with him but you want to be financially independent although you have no money?

OK, I presume he has a mortgage? Then tell him that you want to be joint-owner before you move back in with him. The mortgage company will be un-co-operative, but will cave in if HE applies the pressure to have you on the deeds as joint owner.

If he says he can't fix it up, consult a solcitor, he / she will point you towards a mortgage company that will be willing to accept you both. At the moment, the easiest company to do these sort of deals with is Northern Rock.

Go for it Sirona!

Englishman.

Sirona

Englishman, thats a possibility. I just don't know. Is it a good basis for a relationship when I think what he did to me is wrong?

Sirona

** http://www.religioustolerance.org **

Englishman

Sirona,

Well, I could never treat anyone like that. But, he may be much younger than me, I expect he is!

I get the feeling that possessions may be a big priority with him, how generous is he with you? Why hasn't he offered to share everything he owns with you? Does he let you drive his car? Does he cook for you sometimes? Will he back you up if you train for a new career or go to college maybe?

Does he want a relationship or an ownership?

Englishman stickin' his nose in..

Englishman

PS. Would he give you his last Rolo?

Englishman.

If you were leaving your partner...

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