If I did believe, I think I could have what it takes to be what's considered a 'good jw'....being a missionary actually really appeals to me. But obviously I couldn't live that life if I didn't believe in my heart it's the truth.
I'm young, and interested in doing some kind of humanitarian work... kind of a secular equivalent of "serving where the need is greater." I'm not really sure where in life this would get me...missionaries believe they'll be taken care of by god and have that nifty hope of paradise. This life is just their ticket to the eternal chocolate factory. I don't really have any of that anymore, but I do still care about things like world conditions and suffering... probably more so than before actually.
Has anyone ever looked into volunteering abroad or anything? Building wells and the like... I don't even know. I'd have no idea where to start or how to finance myself in that kind of a lifestyle or what kind of future it brings. But I have that need to be involved in something important and have much love for and interest in others... just without belief. It's strange. Because that could be channeled as a good JW ...but falsely. Maybe I do believe and I'm in denial because I feel guilty for not believing. Does that even make sense? Can I believe again if I really went for it, or is that just self-willed brainwash? There's nobody I can talk to about this stuff and I feel like a crazy bastard. Maybe I should just go to bed.