Dude, I feel sorry for you.
I remember these feelings too. There is no nice way of going about discussing it, only that I am glad I have faced the reality of it all. I hope you don't mind me discussing it with you.
I also grew up in a small village, in a rural region. The Organisation was perfect to me. The religion was a safe haven and all the members were righteous. Yes they were human and made mistakes, but it was still special. This is how I felt at about 12 years old.
Let's cut to 21 years of age where I realise that most JW's have sex before marriage, I really mean most! I remember a party where someone asked 'who has had sex?' and I was the only one to say no. I was astounded by the pioneers and young JW's around me, all up to all sorts. Also, most got drunk, went clubbing and oral sex was standard. I soon relaxed a little and enjoyed the dance/club scene. I ignored the stories of elders son's having sex in car parks, elders kids smoking, taking drugs etc, the secret elders kids private reproofs, like confession in a catholic church. One guy comes to mind this day, I am sure his squeeky clean wife knows nothing of the life he lived, nobody in his hall did either. I never liked him much. He talked JW doctrine and scripture like a pro, then spent weekends doing things that would make Sodom blush. Whenever something came out, he just talked to his elder dad and got a "private wrist slap."
(It isn't the behaviour I now condemn, he was a young normal lad! It was the hyocrisy and the different rules for elders kids).
There was so much if it going on, it wasn't as if you could report it, besides by this age I relaised the whole 'reporting' people was also b.s. I knew of elders wives having affairs...through half the hall gossiping. I remember going to the elder because nobody else would and realising that nobody really believed in this system, nobody really lived by the JW rules. Everyone knew this elders wife was messing around and didn't say a word. I did, I felt sorry for him. I was told I had done the right thing by elders who I knew had known and said nothing. It was confusing until...I realised nobody really follows the doctrines. They just keep quiet about it.
Even the elders were not what I thought. They were mostly all egomaniacs who drank too much and were unpleasant with their family. They gave their mates the best jobs at the assemblies, they gossiped about people that weren't 'hip'...but were nice to their faces. I remember elders having affairs with several sisters in my area, it wasn't rare. There is an elder im my old hall that whilst an elder, messed around his wife's sister and still has obviously not 'confessed' to it as he remains an elder. I long ago shrugged my shoulders of all their behaviour.
I remember being on a district assembly interview item and I had my version of what happened.....and then there was the DO And CO's version of what I had experienced. It was all so dishonest, coerced and manufactured. They even told me how to dress on the day to get noticed.
This is when I realised that it was likely that most maybe werent like me in the JW's. It then hit me,..maybe they didn't even really believe the doctrines! I started to think about this more and saw evidence of it everywhere.
I went to bethel when I was 18 and was shocked to see how human it was, how cold and distant it was. It was just so mechanical.By the time I started questioning the bible and Watchtower teachings, I was very far from the 12 year old boy in a small village.
Everything you have described feeling and experiencing, is commonplace and normal when leaving a belief system. But it is important to realise it was all a lie and you will never find that magical kingdom you once believed in because it didn't even exist then! We were kids, life was awesome, that is why we remember it so well. But.... At the same time I was first being told about a paradise, Ray Franz an ex governing body member, was being outcast for daring to question what was obviously untrue. He was DF'd and thrown away for asking the obvious, for penning his thoughts on Watchtower scandal, hypocrisy and ego in the governing body! Paedophilia, bethel homosexuality (nothing wrong with it, but hypocritical) and secret mansions, and miracle wheat and pyramidology and ......... all before the years we felt the organisation was perfect.....
It never was.
Then I learned of stocks and shares owned in military companies, in companies selling tobacco....Of the paedophile cover up's.... Of the UN NGO cover up. The list goes on and on...
I would love to talk with you more, I can't sleep hence I am here, but I do need to go to work in a few hours so I have to go try rest.
But you need to realise sex is not wrong, marriage is an ancient pagan tradition, the bible condones genocide, racism, slavery and infanticide.... chill out if you have some shellfish or enjoy a beautiful woman (or man), the HONEST truth is, we are all the same buddy!
The governing body masturbate! The governing body swear, they fart, they wipe their ass with their hands and they snore in their sleep. They all have sexual urges and act on them.
The JW LIFE is a life NOBODY HAS or CAN EVER live up to. That is why they all pretend to! Just nobody admits that they are all pretending. It is such a farce!
What is worse, the likes of me and you (and I believe many on this forum) were even unique in the JW's. We actually believed it. We actually trued to live it! We actually expected elders to have good advice.....
But come on....2 window cleaners and a painter and decorator didnt have the magic answer to our problem and we are suprised by that?
Of course they don't have the answers!
I have the feeling you still haven't let go of the belief system. You sound smart, I am sure you know the faults and issues, but I detect a hunger for a perfect world, with a paradise earth that you just don't want to let go of.........That is why they promised it to us!
It isn't even in the bible..... find ONE verse that even says 'paradise earth'.....
I think you will feel better if you finally meet this issue head on. Get your bible out. Get your history books out, Get the science books out.
Figure out what is true and what isn't and start from there!
snare x
p.s. human behaviour does not dictate whether a religion is true or not by the way.... but it certainly smashes down the illusion of it being special.
