"Ladies and gentleman of the jury.
My client is accused of a serious crime, the crime of letting his 160 pounds pitpull terrier 'Muppy' maul the neighbours two kid to death for calling his good friend Bob fat.
Ladies and gentlemen we must put aside our emotions and consider all relevant information in the complicated ethical situation my client found himself in that fatefull afternoon when he let loose 'Muppy' on those kids and watched her gulp down their bloodied remains.
In particular there are two very important and indisputable facts to which I wish to direct your attention. The first is the neighbours kids was teenagers, age 15 and 17, and as such should understand the clear and obvious moral relationship between calling someone fat and letting your Pitbull terrier eat someone alive. There is no, despite what some may think, moral equivalency between these two acts. No, calling someone fat is an evil and despictable act in which light my clients actions where both a just and considerate response to the heinous injusticy Bob was subjected to.
The second important fact I wish to point you to is it was the 'Muppy', not my client, who in fact mauled the kids. My client only instructed Muppy to do so.
Ladies and gentlemen, as you can clearly see, it is true that my client is both not guilty and guilty but the kids had it comming. This is all you need to know. The defence rests."