Hi Wanderlust, welcome!
DF'ed and Confused...
by Stumbeline 43 Replies latest jw experiences
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Gypsy Sam
Welcome, glad you joined and shared your story.
Carpe Diem!
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Stumbeline
Wow, I didn't think I was going to recieve so many replies...thank you all so much for your support, perspective, and shared experiences. Some of your words really hit home...It's nice to know that at least I'm not alone and that so many of you care! Honestly it's just such a relief to speak and know that you are being understood...living like this makes me question everything about the kind of person my congregation thought I was and who I thought they were. I work in a public place, so I see some of them from time to time. Its funny to see the sister who used to greet me with a hug every meeting not even make eye contact with me, and another who is almost embarrassed to ask me for help (the only kind of communication allowed being at a workplace). Once in a while I get a smile which makes me feel like a human being. But another weird angle is that I myself remember being really harsh and judgemental towards DF'ed/reproved ones which I'm not exactly proud of now that I'm on the other side.
But i do look foreward to moving out. I'm moving out of state in with a friend from high school. So like a lot of you were suggesting, i'll be living a life that is hopefully more true to myself. I will also be visiting my brother, who was never baptized.
So a few more details: I have an older brother (as mentioned) and an older sister who is a happily married pioneer. My father was an Atheist, and he passed away in 2009 from a rare Parkinson-like disease. Interestingly enough, my mom married him when she was 25 while she was faded out. She didn't attend meetings for 7 years. So in a way I feel like she's trying to prevent me from making her "mistake".
About my ex/relationship: I broke it off with him because at the time, i didn't feel like he was witness marriage material (even though we had been engaged). And my extended family hated him and were extremely judgemental about everything he did. I'm the baby of the fam if that makes more sense. But the second time we "transgressed" was after we broke up...I was extremely depressed because my mother was fighting another bout of Ovarian cancer and I'm the type to think the worst. My ex was one of my favorite people to talk to and always made things a little lighter so I went to him for comfort. Then of course one thing led to another....He never wanted me to go to the elders because he knew I would get DF'ed, which would make a painful situation more painful. But I did because I felt guilty and could only imagine my body being mangled by a meteor at Armageddon. My elders then contacted his elders. His elders tried to contact him, but he avoided them. Him and I lost touch for a while after that. A few months ago I contacted him to learn that he had been sleeping around after the incident with 5 other women and then moved across the country. He was previously married and didn't get baptized till 23, so I kind of understand why he did what he did. In any case, we still talk from time to time. He goes to meetings once in a blue moon.
About my mom: Like I mentioned, she's been battling with cancer. It seems to be going into remission for now though. I've stayed around for support. But it makes it that much harder to leave too. I don't want her to stop being a JW. Its been a staple in giving her hope and getting her through both my dad's and her illness. It gives her purpose and i don't want to undermine that. I've just been telling her that I feel angry and have things to work out. Also that once I'm gone, she can have her witness friends over without them being embarrassed.
So there I go with my long-windedness, but it feels good to get it out. Thank you all again for reading my story and I hope that I can also be a sounding board for anyone else.
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Stumbeline
Yes perfect1, I am a Pumpkins fan haha
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kaik
Stumebeline, welcome to JWN. Take a deep breath and look for your option. You are young. You can make career in life with things you were denied as JW. Get education at local college to get marketable in job market. WT gave you some valuable skills that can be utilized in your college studies. You may enjoy doing presentation and lectures as we did in our KH. Realize you are free from man-made organization. Leaving WT does not equal leaving God. Situation with your mom can be only resolved by you. There is very little someone could do, except you need to make things workout. However, you need to look for your own future and secure well being for yourself to create family, friends, and happiness.
I do not recommend returning into WT. People who left and came back are ostricized as they are considered spiritually weak. The only exception is JW who have extensive family in KH. Read a lot, find out your options. Do not hesitate to reach for the government help to get grants for education or training. There is life outside KH, and often better than you will have in closed community. Good luck.
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Mum
Relax and enjoy being free. I left the borg long before the internet, and it was a lot tougher back then. I'm glad you're moving out of state and starting over. That should make it easier for you. It's what I did as well.
It took me two years to be mentally free after I left. So be patient with yourself. Take baby steps if necessary, but find out who you really are underneath all of those high-control motivated things you've been told.
I recommend reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's Your Erroneous Zones. That book helped me change the way I look at things and to let go of guilt and anger.
Give yourself permission to explore your options and become the person you want to be, not a person controlled by others.
Best wishes for a happy future!
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smiddy
Welcome to Stumbeline and Wanderlust .
The JW , WT , organisation would ask the question : Have you made the"truth" your own ?
In my experience , many JW`s who leave /fade / or stop going for whatever reason , especially born ins , have this problem.
They leave the religion , yet , the religion never leaves them .........Why is that ?
The answer is because they never determined what they beleived was the "truth" from the WT . JW`s Org., is no more true than any other religion that has sprung up out of America , or anywhere else.
You have to prove for yourself that it is wrong , and that takes a little bit of effort and study to educate yourself , something that jehovahs witnesses never encouraged you to do , if it wasn`t a WT publication . Jehovahs Witnesses are conditioned to be lazy researchers , because the G.B. has done all this work for you , you dont have to waste time doing research . A red flag should go up immediately.
I wish you both well on your journey to "your" truth and enlightenment
smiddy
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jgnat
For new perspectives, I also suggest http://www.thetimeparadox.com/ by Zimbardo.
I note you focus a lot on other people's comfort and are very forgiving. You really need people in your life who treat you the same. You deserve to be forgiven, loved, and understood too.
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LisaRose
I agree with Jgnat, I have the same tendency to consider everyone else's happiness, I had to learn that sometimes you need to put yourself first. You broke up with your boyfriend because your relatives didn't like him and he is not witness material, those things shouldn't count now, right? Maybe it's not an accident that you met up with him, sometimes the heart wants what it wants, and that's no bad thing. I wouldn't date a guy in high school because he wasn't a JW. I married someone else, a JW when we got married, but then he got Disfellowshipped, I stuck it out for 28 years, I had to leave for my own sanity. Anyway, I have been married to that non JW guy for 13 years now, we are still happy. Just Sayin.
It's tough with your mom having cancer, but at the end of the day you can't cure her, and you do have to live your life for yourself. It's not selfish, but enlightened self interest. Be available to her when and if she does call, take advantage of any excuse, you will probably be able to work out some kind of relationship.