There are four poems here. All were written during the 'time of the end' of my being a dub. I think the emotions speak for themselves, and I'm sure many of you will see yourselves in them, in whole or part. Ever since childhood, where I was not allowed to express myself verbally, I've turned to poetry, lyrics, drawing etc. In no other period in my life have I written more poems than with the final year as a JW.
Mine Own Insanity (Salem Gayl Reid)
My heart is the thorn upon a rose
Hiding beneath the foliage and petals
Dagger sharp from remembering all
The times the beauty was plucked and then discarded
My mind is a state of revolutionary war
A holy war, wondering which belief is right
Thoughts running for safety upon sensing the enemy
Shrapnel being detonated between the left side and right
My body is statuesque, a layering façade
That keeps this war hidden so that no one can see clearly
When a thorn is my heart nor the holy war of mind
Nor the leaning tower of Pisa that is mine own insanity
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(wrote this when I was drunk – it’s when the only sure belief I had left was that God existed)
One More Day (Salem Gayl Reid)
I see a brilliant diamond shimmer and I reach to touch so gently
Though my sight is blurred and my speech is slurred, it beckons me,
By faith I see its beauty
Though I dare not brazen be to think that I deserve
One ounce of its presence, one spark of its essence
I still reach and beg it teach me love.
And through the horrid nights of thunderstorms so frightening
I tremble to the point of death; oceans formed from tears I’ve wept
Then I see the diamond shimmer
In its hope there’s one more glimmer
One more day.
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(this describes the elders and the congregation during the time of my shunning, interrogation etc)
Mockery (Salem Gayl Reid)
I am feeling too many sensations
I’ve had an overload of raw situations
Everyone seems to have their own explanation
So what if I’m cynical?
I’m walking around in the same stagnant circles
Wishing so blatantly for heavenly miracles
Hearing the demons, so close and so lyrical
My life is satirical!
Send me your well wishes done in encryption
So they won’t mark you on their lists for subscriptions
I think way too much; my intelligent prison
Ah, it’s just mockery!
Hidden agendas on subliminal menus
People voluntarily ignoring their virtues
Suckers for all of those parasites’ rescues
Oh silly you! Silly me!
Dangerous angels
Conscientious atrocities
The sworn inconsistencies
Condescending apologies
Mass acceptance of brutal hypocrisies
Oh really, will we ever learn!
It’s all pristine mockery!
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(written in the hospital after the betrayal by elders et al, divorce, the whole bit)
Why Me (Salem Gayl Reid)
I ran away from everyone because I had too many thoughts
Now I see incoming tidal waves and I can’t run fast enough
In horror I trip and I fall down, then water crashes all around
Oh how did I get in this deep – there’s tons of water churning me
It’s murky, I can’t see – please God help me, I can’t breath
At the mercy of the undertow, I’m pulled deeper yet to depths below
My life flashes into pieces, I fade to black, praying to Jesus
Why, why, why me?
Violently I’m hurled up on a beach, choking out water, in shock and gasping
I’m ragged, skin torn, parts broken and I’m bleeding
At least I made it to fresh air and dry ground, but
My lips start to quiver when I see no other soul around
Wet and cold make me shiver, will I ever be found?
My bloodied hands cradle my head and I cry
I’m alone, all alone, why didn’t I just die
In anger I scream out in futility
Why, why, why me!?!
I lay there on the sand beneath a large star-filled sky
I am motionless with a blank look in my swollen eyes
Wondering why oh why did I fight to survive
Is there a God, and if so, can he hear me now
Is there any hope that this will work out somehow
The pain festers all through me, the fear is gargantuan
This has all happened because from reality I ran
Can I ever be forgiven, will I be forgotten?
A shattered voice within me whispers
Why, why, ……………. why me.
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(written during the interrogation period, after a ‘cutting’ session)
Again (Salem Gayl Reid)
All is a hush – uncalm quiet after the storm
Now I am silent, holding a broken heart in my hands, pieces still falling like iridescent
Teardrops to the floor
What good is this threadbare heart anymore?
I weep I sleep I creep I cry out in pain
That night I howled as only road-kill can
Yet I find the strength to get up with each ‘end’, from somewhere…
I find myself anchored to hope again,
and again, and again, and again.
Mimilly/Salem Gayl Reid