My Update

nolongerconfused

Hello friends....

I have posted off and on for maybe a year and half?... Just to update you guys on where I am. Writing this makes me feel better.

I was baptized when I was 9 years old along with the rest of my immediate family. I got married in the religion. However, it's been a year and 3 months since I completed left the religion. I did not write a DA letter, nor did I DA myself verbally to anyone. I just stopped going and ignored anyone that called me (probably 3 people from the hall).

I have to admit, even though I tried to get my wife to leave the religion as well, that did not work, it backfired. You see, I should have been more careful about things, but I felt my marriage was over, even before I woke up to this joke of a religion. My JW ex-wife is a born in, however, 2 years into our marriage, she slept with another man...another JW. She was DF'ed around the same time I stopped going to the meetings.

Long story short, we got divorced last year, and she hasn't taken the steps to be reinstated. After the divorce, she has lived a non JW life... which of course, I don't judge or care. I'm kind of glad she's living out her life, meaning, she's celebrating birthdays, holidays, getting drunk, fornicating etc... Hopefully, she can wake up from this cult by the type of life she's living. However, deep inside me, I feel like I haven't moved on from her. I have tried dating other women, but somehow she is still on my mind. I have my days where I cry myself to sleep and regret the fact that I filed for divorce.

She said for us to get back together, I would have to return to her religion and be a JW. However, at this point, I don't think it's about being a JW anymore, as she isn't even living as one. I don't think she really loves me for who I am, even though I still love her unconditionally.

The only thing that keeps me somewhat happy, is that I was able to get my family out of that cult. My family, and my newly acquired "wordly" friends are everything I have. Thanks for reading.

jgnat

I think your love is owed a good long grieving, which you have done. Then move on. She cannot love you back the way you need her to.

snowbird

I've never felt too comfortable giving advice to others, so I'll just send you a big (((((((NLC))))))).

Sylvia

Aunt Fancy

It is not easy to move on and you were hit with two big life changes at one time. If you feel you really love your ex then before you consider getting back together I would seek marriage counceling so you are both helped. It can also help her to leave the JW's for good. There are plenty of women out there that don't have the baggage of being in a cult, you just aren't ready at this point because you still have feelings for your ex. When you are ready you will find the right person to spend your life with.

nolongerconfused

Aunt Fancy, that was great.

I'm definitely considering counceling, for myself first, and wouldn't rule it out for both of us.

Thanks.

Wasanelder Once

You have been hit by a double whammy. First your reason has been restored where the WT is concerned and you have seen it for what it is. Second your feelings are damaged by the break up with your wife and you may want to examine whether your feelings aren't clouding your reasoning? It seems she took a big jump when you divorced by "fornicating". Unconditional forgiveness is often undeserved and the result of self doubt. I'm sure you love her, but is it in both your interests to try and reclaim something your religion and heart may have fabricated? I can't say that's the case but the bond of loving someone is not so easly broken. Does she really love you? You said yourself she wants you to "return to the JW's then maybe get back together". She knows you WONT do that ever so could it be her way of insuring that you bear the guilt of this split? As others have said, clear your head and try to let that one go. Ultimately you know what the reality is, if you dont deny it you will succeed. Good luck.

exwhyzee

Hi Nolonger,

Is there a little voice inside your head telling you there is something a little messed up about wanting to go back to a woman who cheated on you with a fellow JW when the two of you were practically newlyweds ? She's now living a debauched life (from a JW standpoint) yet will only take YOU back if YOU return to the religion SHE has been expelled from ?

If so, listen to that voice....it's your subconscious reminding you of what you what you already know. It sounds like she is another casualty of the JW religion who still believes it's "The Truth" on some level and is acting out her self loathing by doing things that are ultimately damaging to her. Right now you are in the grieving process which is no time to make any big moves just to relieve the pain your undergoing. I'm sure there's more to the story but so far I see red flags all over this situation.She cheated on you and is disfellowshipped so why is she calling the shots?

Have you gotten counseling or has she ? It might be a good idea to have a professional help you sort out your feeling so you can make a decision based on logic rather than emotion. If you are happy not being a JW, going back might work for awhile but this problem will keep resurfacing until you sort it all out before you make a final decision.

KateWild

Hi NLC,

Thanks for the update. Getting over an ex can be difficult for many, Wasaneldeeonce is right on the button, she wants you to take responsibility for the split. So take it, and don't bend to her ultimatum.

Counselling is a good idea you will get good advice on how to move on.

Take care Kate xx

nolongerconfused

Thanks to all for the advice. I really appreciate it.

ABibleStudent

Thanks for sharing your experiences nolongerconfused.

Do you have a vision of what you want from a relationship? Do you want a healthy, loving partnership with someone with shared common interests, or a some type of co-dependent relationhsip, which I consider to be unhealthy - especially with a narcissist? The cult persona of a JW definately leans towards narcissism and highly-controlling.

I was married to a non-JW, who I feel had strong narcissist and controlling tendancies towards the end of our marriage. Before getting married I did not have a good vision of what qualities I wanted in a wife and my personality was not as confident and developed as I am now. After getting divorced, it was weird how it took about 4 years to get over my feelings for my ex-wife. Now I am so much happier. I cannot imagine still being married to her. She has only gotten more controlling and narcissistic towards her current husband according to my former step-son when he talks about her. I never ask about his mother, because I don't want to know.

Move on. Date women and learn from each relationship what you want in a relationship. It is a trail and error process that eventually helps you to learn and know what you want from a potential spouse.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

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