how can I go on?

by red_spice 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • red_spice

    This is my first time posting. I have been a loyal servant for over 25 years. 2 years ago my "elder" husband announced that he would never attend another meeting. It was like someone pulled the rug from under my feet. We have been serving Jehovah together for 16 years and I feel lost and abandoned without his spirtual leadership. Our marriage is still intact and in some ways better than it was. The problem is me. I have not attended meetings regularly since that time nor do I feel the desire to do so. I guess you can say he really was the spiritual head of our home. I do need to have Jehovah in my life and I have a need of christian fellowship. How can I get the motivation to go on with my spiritual life without my husband's spiritual lead. We have lost that 3-fold cord, with no hope of getting it back and I desperately feel that loss. I know that the spiritual responsibility of our family now falls on me but I do not feel able to shoulder that resonsibility. Prayer has not helped in this matter and I am sinking into despair.

  • Carmel

    Dear Red,

    It seems to me you may be confusing spiritual, relgious and social. I could be wrong, but from my experiance in the past the word spiritual was an adjective for almost everything. Certainly dispair is a want for something comforting, but exactly what? You can be and become as spiritual as you aspire without the "leadership" of your spouse, and you can be as religious (attending meetings, observing rituals, etc) without but it is likely you want companionship in these activities (the social security).

    What are you really missing?


  • Martini

    Welcome Red_Spice,
    Everyone posting here has a lot of sorting out to do as far as satisfying their spiritual need, especially since many have become dissillusioned with failing end time WT prophecy.
    I've come to appreciate that fulfilling that need has a unique formula,as unique as each individual is different one from the other. Of coarse we have Christian beliefs in common but each persons experience in his/her relationship with Jehovah is personal and can contribute to enrich ones own life but also the lives of those we associate and live with.
    The men running the WT seek to impose on us a prescribed religious experience for the sake of organizational unity but all this comes at the expense of a personal friendship we each can have with God. Life in the WT has become one of conformity based on rules and regulations as opposed to one of unity based on a bond of love.
    This WT legalistic method is not working with many witnesses.Perhaps you husband is one of these.
    Ask yourself why do you require a spiritual head (husband) over you? Does worshipping God with your whole mind,etc require you do this together with some other HEAD over you?
    Could the WT have underlying reasons for stretching this whole 'man is spiritual head' thing, perhaps like giving them greater control over it's members by using the men to enforce obedience and submission to WT policy? Some family men have felt undue pressure and burden upon their heads to ensure that those 'under' them perform according to all the dictates of Society.
    Repeated calls upon 'family heads' to prevent any family member from falling short can rob them from enjoying each family member for just who they are and not for what they are expected to be.

    I'm sure your husband has God in his life. His relationship may not be identical to yours or 6 million others, but what he has is probably working well for him. Accept him for who he is.
    I think Jehovah accepts us for who we are and not for what we are expected to be.


  • waiting

    Dear Red,

    Thanks for working at this posting thing till you succeeded.

    My first husband was, unlike your husband, a total drug taking jerk Ministerial Servant (until I told the elders about the drugs.) He had been privately & publicly reproved at least once a year for 8 yrs. then DF. I continued - that's what I felt it was my duty to do - with all 3 little children. It was hard. But I did it until I didn't want to do it anymore. And it took me a long time to get to that crux point.

    For companionship? You can still have a good marriage, not the 3-fold cord we have been taught by the WT, but the 3-fold cord taught by the Bible. You can still put Jehovah God in your life and marriage - perhaps your husband just wants the WTBTS out of it. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it is hard.

    Perhaps your husband has some legitimate concerns - have you talked with him quietly, without emotion - if possible? We teach our studies to do that with mates that don't agree with their study of the Bible.

    Your husband probably won't respond as you wish - they never do. But the open communication can be a start to a better friendship.

    No matter what happens, find your own peace.

  • Frenchy

    Hello, Red. Welcome to the board. Our relationship is a personal thing. There really can't be anyone else in it. Others can help, mind you, but in the end, it's just us and God. Please don't lean too hard on anyone but God. Don't let someone else be your conscience.

    And please consider this: Your husband might be hurting more than you are now. Talk to him.

  • oompa

    Well I guess we let Red-Spice down....she did not get enough to ever come back. I relate because I did this to my wife, she is in despair now and we are both on brain meds....her only recently. I have this bad feeling Red-Spice hung in with JW's....guilt ridden for even posting here. Funny how so much pain can be felt on both sides of JW/ExJW marriage..............................oompa

  • momzcrazy

    Welcome redspice. I was in your position for 8 years. My husband had been reproved for smoking and a little fling with a girl at work. He never went back. He left that job and applied for a tour bus driving job. Two days before the District Convention he called me and said I was going to the convention alone, well, with two little babies anyway.

    So that was the beginning of my life alone in the WT. I struggled so very much. Especially with two kids. What kept me going? Thinking that if I didn't keep it going my kids would die. And I was raised one, didn't know any different.

    So, you will struggle and also feel some resentment towards your husband for leaving. If you intend to keep going alone, depend on the congregation. Stay in the middle of it, stay active in it.

    Now, after so long of doing it alone with two, then three, kids I have left too. What did it? The endless rules, that couldn't be backed up in the Bible. Then of course, I started researching the religion. Reading things right out of old literature. Shocked me.

    Then the clincher. I read the Gospels. Then the entire NT. I couldn't help seeing the WT Society in the role of the Pharisees of Jesus' day. The Jehovah's Witness religion is so far from what Jesus taught that it would be laughable. If people's lives weren't involved.

    SO I wish you good luck. I can say that now with out looking over my shoulder to see who heard me.

    You can PM me if you want to. Check out my profile too.


  • Junction-Guy

    Sorry Momz, you are about 8 years too late, unless of course this poster is still lurking.

  • BluesBrother

    Oompa ...Take note that this an OLD Thread , resurrected in a manner that would make a dub proud after the Big A ..Shame for not making that clear.

    But you say , I wonder what became of the lady, did she join her husband? I hope so..Did her elders reach out to as a spritual widow? I doubt it..

    As you say, it is tough for the wife left in. Mine has to cope on her own against indifferent elders who only want to reach yo if you are one of in 'in crowd' ..There are practical problems too in attending on your own..I cannot help, I wish that she did not go..

    It is no place for a woman on her own .

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo

    oompa - you never know.

    maybe red_spice got the reply she needed to go and take some positive action ( and there were some good replies) maybe she lurked/still lurks - I note her first post was that she had problems logging in - maybe she was unable to again.

    I hope you and your wife can somehow sort things out too.

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