HI Accio, If you have insurance that covers talking with a therapist, I would highly recommend that you visit one soon. You come across as being too needy in your writing. Until you become comfortable with who you are and improve your self imagine, most guys will sense your neediness within 5 minutes of meeting you and think about talking with someone else.
I saw an obese woman once who was a very stylish dresser and projected charm and self-confidence. Although I was not romantically attracted to her, I was interested in meeting her and learning more about her. My point is make a choice to live in the present by working on your self-confidence, maybe workout at the gym, and learn how to accentuate what makes you attractive and minimize what you feel is less attractive about yourself. The past is in the past so let it go.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert