Why the Grand Gestures?

bemused

When I visit this forum, I'm always a bit surprised by those members who, on deciding they no longer wish to be a Witness, write long letters to the elders, set out their reasoning in e-mails to family and friends, attend judicial meetings to have their say etc. I've never heard of an ex-Catholic, for example, writing a resignation letter to their parish priest.

I'm a never-in so I can't appreciate the emotions these people are going through. However they also often say a big worry is loss of contact with family and friends. I would have thought that 'grand gestures' of this type are bound to precipitate a crisis, probably leading to dis-fellowshipping and the disgraceful shunning practices that this site's topic boards are full of.

Although it must be really tempting to speak your mind, wouldn't it be better in the long run just to fade away? Gradually reduce attendance at the KH or even better move house if possible and don't bother attending the new congregation, get a new job if your boss is a JW, develop friendships with a few non-JWs, be evasive with family and let them gradually come to terms with your departure without the fireworks and negative reaction that a big announcement will get.

Perhaps this fading approach won't always work (and I'm sure someone will tell me if it doesn't!) but as an outsider it looks the best option to me.

designs

Fading works. Also remember that for the JW seeing someone go "inactive" is akin to apostacy and they must be viewed as "bad association".

abiather

bemused

Very thought-provoking question and practical suggestion!

This is what two of my best friends did. They were very promising young Elders who used to give talks in DCs. They decided to fade! And they put the blame on their “demanding” secular jobs. They never told anybody (except a few like me) the real reason.

Even I did the same!

Ultimate Axiom

Fading is not always that simple. For some it has worked a treat - some have even complained that not a single elder called on them to find out why they had stopped meetings, FS etc – they should count themselves lucky – and, as you say, make no grand gestures. The reason I faded, rather than simply tell them what I thought of it all, was the same as most people, I still had family in and I didn’t want to be disfellowshipped. But it was six years after I stopped attending meetings before the elders from the different congregations stopped calling on me, and I was treading a fine line for all that time (and I moved twice during that period, but they always knew where I was because my wife was still in). Sometimes the only way to get them out of your life is a 'grand gesture’ of some kind. And if you have no reason to fear the shunning, I’m sure it can be somewhat therapeutic.

jgnat

The phobia against "apostasy" Witnesses often employ pre-emptive shunning. The exiting Witness is effectively hooped. From the insiders point of view, they are leaving the Truth. The process of awakening is so powerful the urge to shout TTAT can be overpowering. If the exiting Witness finds us first, I can advise caution. They can safely vent here why they plan an exit strategy. I especially want to help them if their partner is still in, and if there are children involved.

A fading witness may be hounded by elders, gossiped about by congregation members. A clean break at least ends the tension.

Phizzy

The Grand Gesture often occurs when someone is only just out of the clutches of the WT. A number of powerful emotions are felt when first leaving, sadness akin to mourning, loneliness due to loss of friends and family, and anger, often great anger, and the feeling of wanting revenge and to hit back.

All these things become less important with the passing of time, and the futility of the Grand Gesture is then seen clearly.

All must choose to do what is right for them, but just as it is not good to marry in haste if you have just lost your partner, it is not good to act in haste upon leaving the JW cult.

Let time pass, let healing happen, build your new life. Then do what you think is best for you.

Separation of Powers

SOP's analogy of the day:

Some close the door as they leave, others leave and the door is closed for them.

Writing a letter, giving a long explanation is part of closing that door. For others, they feel that the door was closed for them by the discourteous, uncaring, unfeeling manner in which they were treated when they began to experience issues or concerns. For those people, there is no need to give an explanation....

SOP