http://www.svhelden.info/witchtower/2012/09/how-alcohol-helped-me-to-face-hard-times/
How Alcohol Helped Me to Face Hard Times
As told by Jeshua ben Joseph
Several times in my life, loneliness might have overwhelmed me – but it didn’t. When I was 22, one of my sisters was killed. Three years later, my father died. Five years after the death of my father, I learned that I should become a prophet of God.
My name is Jeshua, which means “Jehovah is Salvation.” Strange as it may seem, though, it wasn’t him who assisted me when I faced tragedies. I never felt that Jehovah God was grasping me by the hand. Allow me to explain how I survived my personal tragedies.
I was born in Bethlehem, Israel, on Ethanim 12 in the 30 th year of Caesar Augustus, the first child of my parents, Joseph ben Jacob and Mariam bat Heli. Strictly speaking, my father was the wine dealer Zadok, but my mother kept that relationship secret and blamed the Holy Spirit for my birth. She had already been pregnant at her marriage.
My mother had searched for answers to her religious questions but had not found satisfaction in the synagogue. When I was twelve years old, we visited the Pharisees in the temple, who answered all her questions from the Torah. Mother eagerly accepted the offer by a priest to keep an eye on me while his colleagues explained the law to her. So she learned what the Torah really teaches.
Within a short time, my mother quit her job as a waiter at the local pub, and a few years later, my father followed her example. Eliana, who helped my mother understand the Torah, soon noticed my keen interest for it. Although I was only a young boy, Eliana suggested that I have my own Torah study. Thanks to her help and my mother’s encouragement, I got baptized at the age of 30.
While Brother John delivered the baptismal talk, suddenly a thunderstorm approached. Shortly after I came up from the water, it thundered for the first time, startling up some pigeons. Some of the attendant crowd interpreted the thunder as God’s voice and told me that I would be a chosen one and would have to live a life as a prophet. I tried to explain to them that it was only a common thunderstorm, but it was futile.
Actually I had planned to marry shortly after my baptism. However I was dithering between Martha and her sister Mary. Basically, I got along with Mary better, but Martha was the better cook. And then there was Mary Magdalene, who had showed me how to fulfill the first commandment from Tanach (which can be found at Genesis 1:28 in modern Bibles).
Anyway, now I had to put marriage out of my mind, for as a prophet I had to stay unmarried. Some Rabbi had come up with the idea that it would good for prophets “not to touch a woman.” A number of friends had already built up some alcohol stocks for my stag party though; as that would fall through now, we celebrated my appointment as prophet instead. After some mugs of wine, we ‘began behaving like prophets’ and entered a state of trance. (compare 1 Samuel 19:21) I can’t remember the further course of the evening.
At some time the next morning – or better, noon – I woke up somewhere in the wilderness. The sun burned from the sky, and there wasn’t a soul in sight, not even a stray sheep. To date I don’t know how I had come there. So I went searching for the way home. Suddenly I had to cough, whereupon one of the numerous parched thorn bushes caught fire. At least, now and then I found an abandoned well where I could drink some water.
It took almost forty days until I finally won home. On the road I met a shady merchant who tried to sell to me stones as bread. He told me that he was so poor that he would have to plunge off the battlement of the temple if I didn’t buy his “bread.” Luckily I tipped to the scam, and I didn’t have money with me anyway.
Finally at home, I didn’t have much time to rest. The very next day, my mother and I were invited to a wedding feast in Cana. As I didn’t have time to acquire an appropriate present, I decided to take the leftover wine from my prophet party with me as a gift.
Because my mother dawdled a bit and then the donkey didn’t start, we came two hours late. Shortly before, the bridal couple had run out of wine, as the hot weather made the guests drink more than usual. My gift really arrived at the right moment and freed the bride and bridegroom from an awkward position – with too little alcohol, the wedding night could have become a great disappointment. But thanks to the wine I brought, they could not remember anything the next morning.
On our way home, we went via Jerusalem. We wanted to purchase some prophet utensils for me at the temple bazaar. Since I wasn’t yet completely sober from the wedding feast, I accidentally upset a table, and a pigeon cage fell on the ground. I didn’t want to settle the damage, so I claimed the event to be a prophecy. I could escape while the Pharisees and Sadducees argued over the meaning of my words.
In the meantime, Lazarus, the brother of Martha and Mary, had heard of my appointment as a prophet. The two talkative women had jarred on his nerves for a long time, and for years he had longed for the day where he could marry at least one of them off to me. Shocked by the news, he had a nervous breakdown and shut himself away in a secluded cave because he couldn’t stand his sisters’ chattering any longer.
When these noticed that he was missing at lunchtime, they became worried since he had never spared lunch. They had no other explanation for his absence than that he had died. They blamed me for his death and sent a messenger to me, so that I got to know what I had done.
However, I knew the cave in which Lazarus usually hid himself when he was a youth and had been up to something. I straightly went there and found Lazarus, sitting in the cave and enjoying the silence. He sent me away and told me he would rather die in the cave than go back to his sisters. I left the cave but didn’t give up. From outside, I shouted to him: “Lazarus, come on out! I will take your sisters along on my preaching journeys!” At once he came out and agreed to return to his house.
Before I started prophesying, I made a walking tour to Samaria with some friends. At a well, I met a beautiful woman with long blonde hair. At my clothes she immediately recognized me as a prophet. I asked about her husband, whereupon she replied that she was single. I could just in time ask for her address when my friends returned from shopping. They wanted to prepare a meal, but I told them: “I have food to eat of which you do not know” and went to the village.
After we returned from Samaria, my friends wanted to go fishing, but I was too tired and went to bed. The next morning, the disappointment was writ large in their face, for they didn’t catch anything the whole night. Luckily, I had just read in the Capernaum Gazette that a fish trawler had an accident and lost its cargo at night near the west coast. I led my friends to the place, and we took a good catch. I did not tell them where I had the information though. That caused them to ultimately accept me as a prophet, and they started to call me “Lord” and “Master.” They also wanted that I called them “disciples.”
Some days later I received a letter from the tax administration. The tax officer Matthew Levi had heard that I would have acted as a prophet for a number of weeks, though I hadn’t submitted a prophet business registration yet. He prompted me to instantly pay the due prophet tax and the resurrection surcharge in the amount of 40 silver coins. I didn’t have that much money, so I visited Matthew in his office and took my disciples along. Impressed with their story about my “miracle” at the Sea of Galilee, he too became my disciple and deleted my entry from the tax register.
Happy about my remitted tax obligation, I went to the local wine dealer. I wanted to buy some wine to celebrate my prophethood with Martha, Mary and Mary Magdalene. However, the vintner wanted to pull a fast one on me and tried to put my wine into old wineskins. Fortunately, I noticed that timely and told him: “Nobody puts new wine into old wineskins; if he does, the wine bursts the skins, and the wine is lost as well as the skins. But people put new wine into new wineskins!”
Since the next day was a Sabbath where we did not have to work, we partied until late in the night at a camping ground near Jerusalem. The next morning we went to the Bethzatha pool to have a wash. Along the way we saw a man who had fallen near the entrance and now was lying injured on the ground. I was not totally sober yet and incapable of helping him myself. Thus I asked a paramedic who was sitting at the pool: “Get up, pick up your cot and walk to the entrance. There is someone who needs your help!”
We were on our way home when we suddenly became hungry. We plucked some grains at the wayside, but it wasn’t enough. After some time, we noticed some sheep near the way. It was only a little flock though; it would have attracted attention if one would have been missing. But a short time later, we came across other sheep. It was a great crowd of sheep, which no man was able to number. We didn’t think that someone would notice a missing one.
Shortly after lunch, however, the shepherds took notice of us. They actually had noticed that one of their sheep was missing. Of course they suspected us, the more so as a remnant of the sheep was still lying next to our bonfire. Nevertheless, I managed to calm them down by saying: “All considered, of how much more worth is a man than a sheep!” While they squabbled about the meaning of my words, we made away.
In the afternoon we decided to use up the remaining wine, so that it would not go bad underway. We scaled a hill, from where we had a pleasant view, and drank until it was evening. Since we were way too drunk to move on, we laid down. As drunk as I could be, I babbled statements like “Happy are the unhappy ones” and something about salt and that someone should tear the Romans their eyes out. Someone overheard that, wrote it down and later published it as “Sermon on the Mount.”
When we finally arrived at home in Capernaum, the people said about me: “A man gluttonous and given to drinking wine, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” But why should I have been upset? They were right after all! I replied to them: “Learn from me, and you will find refreshment for your souls.”
I went to the marketplace to ask around what was the news. A merchant told me about a landslide near the Sea of Galilee. A whole hillside had plunged into the lake and with it about 2000 swine that were grazing there. Most Jews though attributed that event to demons that supposedly had taken possession of the swine.
In the confusion of the marketplace, I became a victim of pickpocketing. I asked my disciples: “Who was it that touched me?” But they replied: “You see the crowd pressing in upon you, and do you say, ‘Who touched me?’” I looked around and shouted: “Someone touched me, for I perceived that my purse is missing!” Seeing that she had not escaped notice, the thief came and fell down before me, frightened and trembling. In front of all the people, she told the whole truth about the theft and her illness and that she didn’t have money to consult a physician. I gave her some money for the doctor and comforted her: “Go in peace, go to the doctor and get cured from your grievous sickness.”
Few days later, an old acquaintance called Jairus sent for me. He thought that his daughter would have died. Of course he could not know that she had been out with me all night in Zadok’s dance bar and was simply sleeping.
At once I went to Jairus and told him: “The young child has not died, but is sleeping.” I went to her and said: “Maiden, I say to you, Get up!” Immediately she rose, and we had breakfast together. I instructed Jairus to not broadcast that his daughter would have been dead.
When I left the house, two blind men followed behind and shouted: “Have mercy on us, Son of David!” I asked them: “Do you have faith that I can give you something?” “Yes, Lord,” they answered. I told them: “According to your faith let it happen to you” and gave them a silver coin. Then I sternly charged them: “See that nobody gets to know it,” because I was afraid that all other beggars of the area might come to me too.
Carpenters were not well-paid in Israel, but due to my career as a prophet, I had gained some wealth. Hence, when I came home to Nazareth, the people said with regard to me: “Is this not the carpenter’s son? Is not his mother called Mary, and his brothers James and Joseph and Simon and Judas? And his sisters, are they not all with us? Where, then, did this man get all these things?” They always thought that one could not earn much as a prophet.
To further increase my income, I was also acting as a management consultant. A rich land-owner engaged my services to help him optimize the harvest. Previously, the gathering in of the harvest had taken so long that some of the crop rotted in the meantime. I analyzed the situation, and in my final report I told him: “The harvest is great, but the workers are few.” I recommended sending out more workers into his harvest.
A little later, I came to know that some of my disciples kept donations and commodity contributions for themselves. I reminded them: “Do not procure gold or silver or copper for your girdle purses, or a food pouch for the trip, or two undergarments, or sandals or a staff, but hand all receipts over to me!” We were in Bethlehem on that day, and I asked around where we could go out in the evening. When the people told me that there was no such thing as nightlife, I was horrified and said: “It will be more endurable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah than for that city.”
Some say that we would have been “objects of hatred by all people,” but that is a bit exaggerated. But with my increasing wealth, there were more and more people who were not well-disposed towards us. Thus I decided to learn to shoot, and we joined a local shooting association. My disciples were afraid of the rifles, but I reassured them: “Do not become fearful of those weapons who only hurt the body but cannot kill it; but rather be in fear of those that can both hurt and kill.”
At the shooting exam we had to fire at sparrows. A cage with 50 sparrows was opened, and each of us had to bring down at least 10 of them. My disciples could not imagine that the exam was monitored accurately; they were afraid that passing depends solely on the examiner’s favor. I calmed them, saying: “Not one of the sparrows will fall to the ground without the examiner’s knowledge. But the very bullets in your rifles are all numbered. Therefore have no fear: the exam is fair.”
A bit later, we were in fact raided at night. As we had partied with plenty of wine until early morning, we were unable to fight back. Fortunately, we didn’t have much cash with us, but this was now gone. What should we eat during the journey home – after all, three day’s journey? Luckily, nearby the day before there had been a donkey race with more than 5,000 spectators. We went there and found not only lots of fragments but even complete barley loaves and fishes – more than enough provisions for our journey home. Each of us took five loaves and two fishes; if we had gathered together everything, we surely could have filled twelve baskets.
After we came home and rested from the exhausting journey, we went to Lake Galilee to relax. But there was pretty hard wind on that day, so it wasn’t as comfortable as expected at the beach. So I made a bet with Andreas, claiming that despite the wind, his fishing boat would not be fast enough to keep me afloat on two planks. (I heard that this concept has been developed further and is now called “water ski.”)
Anyway, I lost the bet, as the boat reached an incredible speed in the severe wind, and I could glide over the water for several minutes. Some people at the beach saw me, and later claimed that I would have walked over the waters. Peter wanted to attempt it too, but after a short time, he started to sink. I’m not sure whether it happened because of the calming down wind or because of Peter’s overweight.
For a while, I dabbled in grocery. I offered beef and self-made wine, which I called “Blood” because of his dark red color. My shop was decorated with a large sign that read: “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. He that does not feed on my flesh and does not drink my ‘Blood’ misses something!” Unfortunately, some passersby misunderstood this slogan, and the business didn’t work well.
I closed the shop and roamed the land again, preaching everywhere. Once a woman followed us and begged: “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David. My daughter is badly demonized.” In the first place, I didn’t react at all, for I knew that diseases are not caused by demons. But after some time, the disciples told me: “Send her away; because she keeps crying out after us.” So we stopped, and I asked the woman about her daughter’s problem. She replied that her daughter was much too thin for her age. I advised her to stop taking the bread of her children and throwing it to little dogs instead.
Some days later, we met a drunkard who had partied too long in Elijah’s Tavern the night before. He told us: “I observe what seem to be trees, but they are walking about.” We brought him home and told his wife to bring him to bed. The next day, he had slept it off and could see clearly again.
Then I had a new business idea. I wanted to develop the Lake Galilee region into a tourist area and build a viewing tower in the wilderness. Hence I began searching for a suitable location together with Peter. Finally we found a decent rock, and I said to Peter: “On this rock-mass I will build my viewing tower!” But finding investors was difficult. Many remembered the tower in Siloam that had collapsed shortly before, killing 18 passersby.
In the end I sat down and calculated the expense, to see if I had enough to complete the tower. Otherwise, I might lay the foundation but not be able to finish it, and the onlookers could start to ridicule me, saying, “This man started to build but was not able to finish.” Unfortunately, there was never enough money, and we had to abandon the project.
Some weeks later, I had to go to Jerusalem to file my application for the annual adjustment of prophet tax. On that occasion, I wanted to visit a friend who lived nearby, so that I would be away from home for about ten days. As Mary and Martha were also not at home, I called Peter and told him: “I will give you the keys of my house. Can you take care of the flowers while I’m away?” Unfortunately he wasn’t attentive, so that most flowers died. When I returned and saw what happened, I was really upset and yelled at Peter: “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me, because you thought, not about my flowers, but only about your fish!”
In Jerusalem I had come to know that some of the Pharisees and Sadducees questioned my authority as a prophet. I thought about how to counteract. Finally I had an idea, which we put into action the next day: Andrew dressed up as Moses, and Philip disguised as Elijah. Then I ascended a mountain with Peter, James and John along with “Moses” and “Elijah,” while the remaining disciples went to the nearby villages, asking the people to follow us onto the mountain. From then on, virtually no one questioned my authority any longer.
Some days later, my disciples argued about who really was the greatest of them. I didn’t want to watch that any longer, so I went to the marketplace and purchased a measuring tape. I measured every disciple and found that Thomas was the greatest of them with 1.82 meters. The same day, someone told me of a nearby shepherd who had lost one of his hundred sheep. Rather than staying with the 99 remaining sheep and at least keeping an eye on these, he went searching for the lost one. He didn’t find it though, and when he returned, from the 99 other sheep there were only 70 left.
During the next months we preached everywhere in Judaea and Galilee and Samaria. Then, shortly before the Festival of Tabernacles, I went down with flu. Hence I said to my disciples: “You go up to the festival; I am not yet going up to this festival.” Three days later, I felt better and hit the road too. I came to a Samaritan village and wanted to stay overnight. Unfortunately, there was no vacancy in the hotels, so I decided to continue to walk all night. I saw some meteors which the uneducated Samaritans called “fire from heaven.”
At the Festival of Tabernacles we purchased an innovative fishing net, with which we could harvest fish from the lower realms of the lake. We checked it out right after our return and indeed took a good catch. At our stall we told the people: “The other fish are from the realms above; our fish are from the realms below.”
After we had sold all fish, we went preaching again. On the road we met a man who wanted to follow us, but he was very dirty and smelled of cowshed. That’s why we told him: “Go wash in the pool of Siloam, and then follow us!” However, we didn’t see him again. That was not so bad, as we were 70 persons in the meantime, and it was difficult enough to keep such a crowd together. From time to time someone stepped on a serpent or a scorpion and had to be treated by a physician.
Once, when we were on our way from Jerusalem to Jericho, we went past a Samaritan who lay unconsciously by the wayside. Likely he had been raided and battered by highwaymen. Since we were Jews, were not allowed to help him though. Anyway, sooner or later a Samaritan would come around, and he could take care of his compatriot. However, we decided to keep an eye on our wallets.
Fortunately, I always had enough wine with me, so that I could stand all difficult situations. In the months to come, I should have to make use if it many times.
Shortly thereafter I ended up in Bethany, where Mary, Martha and Lazarus lived. At once I went visiting Mary in her room. When I returned the next morning, Lazarus asked me what I had done in Mary’s room all night. I replied briefly: “Mary chose the good portion” and moved on. Then Lazarus remembered that he had forgotten to purchase bread. He went to his neighbor and asked him: “Friend, loan me three loaves, because a friend of mine has just come to me on a journey and I have nothing to set before him.” The neighbor however was out of bread too, because the day before he had read an out-of-context quote from me that one should guard against leaven.
Lazarus had no other choice but to wake up Mary, so that she could make breakfast for us. I asked her for a breakfast egg, but she didn’t want to go to the henhouse and offered me some raisins instead. I explained to her: “Indeed, which father is there who, if his son asks for a fish, will perhaps hand him a serpent instead of a fish? Or if he also asks for an egg, will hand him a raisin? Therefore, if wicked people know how to give good gifts to their children, how much more so will a good host give an egg to those asking him?”
Finally she asked me how many eggs I wanted for breakfast, and I replied: “A few eggs are needed, or just one.” While we had breakfast together, we saw the village police arresting the neighbor whom Lazarus had asked for bread shortly before. They found the door locked and his young children with him in bed. The next day I heard that he was accused of child abuse.
Later I watched Martha and Mary doing the dishes and had to give them the advice: “You cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but the inside of them is full of food debris! Here are leftovers of the mint and the rue and of every other vegetable! With the sponge with which you cleanse the outside you could also cleanse the inside, could you not?”
In the afternoon I delivered a sermon when a young woman suddenly shouted out: “Happy is the womb that carried you and the breasts that you sucked!” Immediately I offered her and the other women to make their breasts happy too. But my sermon was disrupted by an unemployed furniture mover. He had just been laid off and was mad at his former boss. He raged and screamed: “Woe to you caters, because you load your employees with loads hard to be borne, but you yourselves do not touch the loads with one of your fingers!” I tried to calm him and said: “Happy are you unemployed, because you can sleep late! Happy are you drunkards, because you will become sober again!” But it didn’t help, he continued to yell and turned his way.
In the evening, I walked around the market. Besides meat, wine, spices and all kinds of products, there were a number of stalls where leaven was sold. I was surprised to see that the Pharisees offered leaven too. A priest explained to me in confidence that they used the stall to launder money from their dealings with the Gentiles. I took a pass on ratting the Roman authorities on them and rather said: “There is nothing carefully concealed that will not be revealed, and secret that will not become known.” However, I advised my disciples the next day: “Watch out for the leaven of the Pharisees! Better buy your leaven somewhere else.”
Then we moved on. We walked a few days, but no one invited us. Later I was told that the Pharisees had come to know that I had advised my disciples against their leaven, and in revenge they spread the rumor that I would be in league with the devil. In time, we ran out of food, and our clothes wore out more and more. Finally my disciples started to complain. When I could not stand their moaning any longer, I strictly urged them: “Will you finally quit being anxious about your souls as to what you will eat or about your bodies as to what you will wear? Someday someone will give us something!” Finally some ravens led us to a large field full of lilies, and we could still our hunger. The next day, someone invited us again.
Some days later, we were home again. A rich Pharisee had invited me to a wedding, but only me, not my disciples. So I went there alone and told the disciples: “Let your loins be girded and your lamps be burning, and you yourselves be waiting for me when I return from the marriage, so that at my arriving and knocking you may at once open to me. Happy are those disciples whom I on arriving find watching! Truly I say to you, I will bring them meat and cake and wine from the wedding feast.”
At the wedding, the bridegroom wanted to give me the most prominent place, but it was already taken. The host said to the man who sat there: “Let Jeshua have the place,” and he started off with shame to occupy the lowest place. I advised him: “When you are invited by someone to a marriage feast, do not lie down in the most prominent place. Perhaps someone more distinguished than you may at the time have been invited by him.”
After several cups of wine, I noticed that some of the bridegroom’s slaves were allowed to participate in the feast, while others had to wait in the darkness outside. The host explained to me that he had invited all faithful and discreet slaves, while the wicked and sluggish slaves had to wait outside as a punishment. He also told me that at such a wedding feast, many that come first will leave last and the last first.
Some days later, it was Sabbath, we went to the synagogue. There a woman who believed that I could cure her came to me. Since she refused to tell me from which disease she suffered, I simply told her: “Go home, and be in good health from your grievous sickness.” At once she hit the road. But the presiding officer of the synagogue complained and said to her: “There are six days on which work ought to be done; on them, therefore, come and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.” I replied to him: “Hypocrites, does not each one of you on the Sabbath untie his bull or his ass from the stall and lead it away to give it drink? Isn’t it written in your law, in the tenth commandment, that a woman is worth as much as a bull or an ass?” However, many of the men in attendance questioned that, so that I preferred to move on with my disciples.
Once again we were hungry. We had enough wine left, but nothing to eat anymore, when we came upon a flock of sheep. It was getting dark already, and I explained to my disciples how to steal a sheep: “Thieves and plunderers must not enter into the sheepfold through the door but climb up some other place. The only onethat enters through the door is the shepherd of the sheep.” But before they could proceed to action, the shepherds came, and it became too risky. I said: “I know other sheep, which are not of this fold; those also we can steal.” We soon were there and had a nice dinner.
The next morning we moved on and came to the next village. There the people already waited for us and tried to kill us. I shouted: “I displayed to you many fine works. For which of those works are you stoning me?” The people answered: “We are stoning you, not for a fine work, but for theft, even because you have stolen a sheep yesterday evening!” I explained to them: “The shepherd calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. A stranger they will by no means follow but will flee from him, because they do not know the voice of strangers. How could I steal one of your sheep?” That calmed them for a while, and we hurried to move on.
In the next village, we arrived just in time to prevent an unlawful execution. The village elders wanted to put to death two prophets who had told fire to come down from heaven and annihilate the village. I reproached those responsible with the words: “It is not admissible for a prophet to be destroyed outside of Jerusalem!” The listened to me and at once brought the prophets to Jerusalem, so that they were put to death there.
We went to Jerusalem too. There we came to know that some bearded prophet wanted to perform a so-called “Picture-Drama of Creation” at the theater. We also wanted to go there, for I was interested in what the man had to say. But it was nearly impossible because of the crowds streaming to the theater. Finally, one of the officers said to us: “The population is great, but the seats at the theater are few. Many will seek to get in but will not be able.”
We too could not enter the theater, so we looked around Jerusalem instead. We met a Roman businessman who wanted to open a private kindergarten with full-day care in Jerusalem. But he wasn’t aware of the Jewish custom of raising children at home. With nerves shot, he closed his business and shouted: “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks together under her wings! But you people did not want it. Look! Your kindergarten is abandoned to you.”
The next day, a Pharisee invited us for dinner. However, the meal was not very good and only bearable with much alcohol. Hence I said to him: “When you spread such a dinner or evening meal, do not call your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors. They do not deserve such muck. But when you want to get rid of your leftovers, invite poor people, crippled, lame, blind; and they will be happy, because otherwise they would have nothing to eat at all.”
Since we watched many quarreling families in Jerusalem, we decided to establish a family advice center. We wanted to help estranged families to become reconciled. But from the first day on, there came nothing but people who were not disunited with their families at all. I had to get it through their head: “If anyone comes to us and does not hate his father or mother or wife or children or brothers or sisters, he cannot be our customer!”
But it was to no avail; really quarrelling families did not accept our help. So we closed our center and focused on the healing business again. At the fringe of the city we met a group of ten lepers. I offered to heal them for a modest figure. They scratched up their last money and gave it to me. Then I instructed them: “Go and show yourselves to the priests.” The ten lepers had confidence in my miraculous powers. So they hurried off to see the priests, even though they had not yet been healed. As expected, they were rejected at the temple entrance, as their leprosy could be seen from afar.
We wanted to be over the hills and far away at this time, but Peter was involved in a longer discussion and delayed our departure. Fortunately, nine of the lepers continued on their way, and only the other leper, a Samaritan, returned to look for me. He cursed with a loud voice, and when he found me, he branded me as a fraudster and charlatan. Peter returned just in time, so that we could run off from there. While we were running, I asked my disciples: “The ten were cheated, were they not? Where, then, are the other nine? Can the lepers of Jerusalem be hoodwinked that easy?”
In the next village, we met a priest. I don’t know if he had heard of the incident with the ten lepers, but he told me: “It is easier, in fact, for a camel to become your disciple than for a rich and educated man.” When he noticed how drunk I was, he added that I would be the true vine.
When the next day we were sober again, we moved on to the next village and preached along the way. However, scarcely anybody wanted to listen to us. On that day the persons that were on the housetop did not come down to listen to us. The persons out in the field too wanted to continue working alone.
So we arrived quite soon in the neighboring village. There we were already expected by a widow whom I owed some money from my last visit. She chased us and kept yelling: “See that you finally repay my money!” Well, for a while I was unwilling, but afterward I said to myself, “Although I do not fear this senile widow or respect the old, at any rate, because of this widow’s continually making me trouble, I will see that she gets her money back, so that she will not keep coming and put my reputation at risk.”
Nevertheless, the people in that village didn’t much like me. They thought I would be a fanatic like the Pharisees whom they disliked. Because of that, I went to the marketplace around noon and prayed: “O God, I thank you I am not as the Pharisees, Sadducees, or even as the chief priests. I don’t fast twice a week, I don’t give the tenth of every vegetable. O God, be gracious to the Pharisees and Sadducees, sinners!”
That earned me some sympathy among the population. Now some people turned to us for advice. Among them was a mother who was very worried and said: “Teacher, for some time my little sun refuses to eat up his porridge. Yesterday he even came home after sunset and doesn’t tell me where he has been. I am in great distress about him! The little boy is only forty years old!” Moved with pity for her son, I replied immediately: “Did you not read that he who created men from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will look for a wife,’ so that he will no longer live with his mother but with his wife?”
The woman though kept a stiff upper lip and said: “Why, then, did Solomon prescribe that young men should not forsake the law of their mother?” “Solomon, out of regard for your hardheartedness, made the concession to you mothers of bossing around your sons,” I answered, “but such has not been the case from the beginning.” Realizing that I would not command her son to obey her, she was moved to say: “If such is the situation of a woman with her son, it is not advisable to have children” and turned away.
Shortly thereafter, a young man passed by and asked me: “Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit much property from my parents?” I replied: “Why do you call me good? I am not only a good teacher, I am the best one! If, though, you want to get a good inheritance, observe your parents’ commandments continually.” The man answered: “All these things I have kept from my youth on. What yet am I lacking?” Listening to the man’s intense, earnest request, I felt that he already had enough material possession and so pointed out: “One thing is missing about you: Go, sell what things you have and give the money to me, and you will have treasure in heaven, and come be my follower.” Finally he rose and turned away, leaving me deeply saddened.
He had barely left when a delegation of the Roman administration arrived. They had heard that I would divide families and persuade people to sell their belongings. I defended myself and told them: “This is an evil lie of the apostate Pharisees and Sadducees, these hypocrites! No one has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for my sake or for the sake of my message!” Indeed I had taught that a good worshipper of God would leave his family when it does not share his faith, but I never prompted anyone to do that.
We went on and made similar experiences in the other villages and cities. But then came harvest season, and people were busy all day. Scarcely anybody was willing to listen to us or give a donation, and we were running out of money. In the late afternoon, around the eleventh hour, the agent of a vine dresser came to the market place, found us standing, and said to us: “Why have you been standing here all day unemployed?” We said to him: “Because nobody wants to listen to us.” He said to us: “You too go into the vineyard.”
Strictly speaking, working in the vineyard was not the worst idea. At least we could earn some money. When it became evening, the master of the vineyard said to his man in charge: “Call the workers and pay them their wages, proceeding from the first to the last.” When the first men came who had worked all day, they each received a denarius. So, when we came, we concluded we would receive just as much; but we only received pay at the rate of two small coins, which have very little value. On receiving I began to murmur against the householder, but he replied: “Fellow, I do you no wrong. These bore the burden of the day and the burning heat, that’s why they agreed with me for a denarius. You only put in one hour’s work in the cool evening. Take what is yours and go.”
We were offended and went to the pub. But the other workers were thirsty too, hence the landlord had only one cup of wine left. He gave it to me, but John and James, sitting down one at my right hand and one at my left, also wanted to get it. I told them: “You men do not know what you are asking for. Can you drink the cup that I am about to drink?” Even before they could reply, I emptied the cup, and the issue was sorted out. But I comforted John and James with the words: “I will by no means drink henceforth any of this product of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you in a better venue.”
Some days later we got invited by a tax officer called Zacchaeus. He was afraid that I would deplore his fraudulent business practices. In the course of the evening, after several cups of wine, he asked me: “Lord, what must I do to get saved? Will I have to give half of my belongings to the poor, and restore fourfold whatever I extorted from anyone by false accusation?” I soothed him, saying: “Truly I tell you today: Give each of us 30 pieces of silver, and you will be with us in Paradise.”
Now at least we had some money, so that we could travel to the Passover festival in Jerusalem at ease. However there had been a severe storm the night before and the whole path was full of palm branches broken off the trees. Hence our journey took a bit longer. When we finally arrived, the Pharisees and Sadducees mocked us: “Look, Jeshua and his twelve donkeys are here too! Only babes and sucklings believe in somebody like that!”
I ignored their criticism and went to the temple to purchase some wine at the bazaar, so that we could celebrate the Passover worthily. I purchased 26 liters, and the merchant should have given me 47 Judean pieces of silver as change. However he tried to cheat and gave me 45 Judean and 2 Galilean pieces, though the Galilean ones are a bit smaller. That made me seething with rage. Under the influence of the wine I had tried at the diverse stalls, I made a whip of ropes and drove all those merchants out of the temple. I overturned the tables of the wine sellers, poured out their wine onto the temple floor and shouted at them: “You have made the house of God to a cave of robbers!”
That could have become quite expensive for me, but luckily, exactly in that moment a thunderstorm approached and it started to flash and thunder. “An angel has spoken to him,” some began to say. The superstitious Jews did not dare to arrest me, and I could leave the temple unimpeded. We celebrated the Passover with plenty of wine and woke up only two days later.
Besides our camp we found a heap of wine bottles, likely from our celebration which we could hardly remember. I said to the heap: “Be lifted up and thrown into the sea!” At once Peter came running and threw the bottles into the garbage bin.
The priests in the temple had calmed down too and wanted to arrange an appointment to meet me. I gave them to understand though: “Truly I say to you that the tax collectors and the harlots are going ahead of you, because they have fixed their appointments already last week.”
A short time later, still in Jerusalem, I met a man whom had I borrowed some money the previous year. He went into hiding then, and now bumped right into me. At once I requested him to pay his debts including interest. But he claimed to be on his way to the tax office, and said he had exactly enough money to pay his taxes. I grabbed hold of him and yelled at him: “Pay back Caesar’s things to Caesar, but my things to me!” Frightened he gave me the money and ran away.
Later the same day, a group of Sadducees came to me. Since they did not believe in the resurrection, they tried to set a trap for me. They asked me regarding a woman that was successively married to seven men, to which of the seven she would be wife in the resurrection. I was on to them and replied: “Is not this why you are mistaken, your sticking to antiquated moral values? For when they rise from the dead, neither do men marry nor are women given in marriage, but live unmarried with whomever they want.”
A slave trader was so impressed by my teachings that wanted to make us a present. He came and said: “Teacher, here are ten virgins for you and your disciples. Five of them are foolish, and five are discreet.” But I replied: “To one God gave five talents, to another two, to still another one. But to you it seems that he gave none at all, at least not for counting. We are thirteen men, not ten!” He apologized and promised to bring thirteen virgins the next time.
We preached not only in the city but also to the campers that tented around Jerusalem. On a field we saw a shepherd separating the sheep from the goats. We preached to him, and when we were done, his sheep and goats had completely intermingled, and he had to start all over.
On my way back to the city, I had been inattentive for a moment and stumbled against some old guideposts that someone had lain down by the wayside. Immediately I shouted: “Woe to you, stupid guides!” In short distance I met a group of construction workers and yelled at them: “Woe to you, construction workers and craftsman, botchers! because you clear away the bucket and the trowel and the wrench, but you have left the bulkier things on the way, namely, cart and ladder and guidepost! These things you should have cleared away first, yet not to abandon the other things. Blind workers, who clear away the nail but leave standing around the guidepost!”
They vindicated themselves and said: “This construction site is important for the city’s supply with food and medication! If we don’t finish our work, there will be food shortages and lootings and pestilences in one district after another. The Jews will rise against the Romans and Romans against Jews. Because of the increasing of hunger the love of the greater number will cool off. And then the end will come!” I bawled at them: “If I stumble against one of our utensils one more time, there will be great tribulation for you such as has not occurred since the establishment of your construction site until now, no, nor will occur again!”
I hadn’t settled down when someone wanted to invite us to a reptile show. I told him: “Serpents, offspring of vipers, I’m not interested in such” and went along. We had become quite hungry from our trip around the city, but just before the Passover, all restaurants had lifted their prices. However, we watched a man carrying an earthenware vessel of water to lengthen his wine. I told him: “Let me celebrate the Passover with my disciples in your restaurant, and in three days I will pay the bill!” I threatened him to otherwise tell the authorities: “Break down this restaurant, because it serves diluted wine!”
He accepted my proposal, and so we had a good time with bread, wine and roast lamb. In the course of the evening, I revealed sad news to my disciples: “I will be sentenced to death. One of you will have to die in lieu of me.” Being very much grieved at this, they commenced each and every one to say to him: “Lord, it is not I, is it?” Judas Iscariot was so spooked that he got up and went away. That’s why I chose him.
We partied far into the night, and much food was left over. Hence I instructed my disciples to take something with them. When they all were fully laden, I told them: “There are many more things remaining, but you are not able to bear them.” When we wanted to leave, they asked me: “How will we pay all that?” Well, they didn’t know what I had in mind. Thus I told them: “Normally we would be having tribulation now, but take courage! I have cheated the landlord.”
Slowly it got light again. Actually Peter had promised not to eat anything for a full day. But even on our way through the city, he got hungry and ate something from the meat that we had taken. He apologized: “The spirit, of course, is eager, but the flesh is tasty.” James too just couldn’t hold back any longer and drank a cup of wine. When I pointed out that he was already drunk enough, he replied: “The cup that I pinched from the evening meal, should I not by all means drink it?” Shortly thereafter he went out and fell to the ground, but after a few minutes he could stand up again.
On our way through the city, we met a young man named Malchus. When he saw Peter, he became frightened and screamed: “Not you again! Last week you had talked my ear off!” I counseled Peter and instructed him to spend no longer than one hour at each door. A short time later, we met Judas Iscariot again, and together we went to the Mount of Olives. There we came across the Roman soldiers that had order to arrest me. They didn’t know me well though, hence they asked us: “Who of you is Jeshua?” As discussed before, we all concordantly pointed at Judas Iscariot, and at once the soldiers detained him. Before he could say a word, we all ran away and consigned him to his fate.
On the way to our lodging, someone said to me: “You look like Jeshua the Galilean.” I replied “neither do I know him nor do I understand what you are saying” and went along. In the meantime, Judas had been brought to Pilate and was interrogated. Though he kept professing that he was not Jeshua, no one believed him. Pilate snarled at him: “How are you speaking to me? Do you not know I have authority to release you and I have authority to impale you?” He responded: “You would have no authority at all against me unless Jeshua hadn’t passed off me as him!” But it was to no avail; he was impaled and died shortly thereafter.
I instructed my other disciples: “When someone asks for Judas, tell him that he hung himself outside the city out of grief about my death.” Then I left and hid in the mountainous region. Later I heard that the landlord where we celebrated the Passover was mad with anger. He came to my disciples and screamed: “Certainly this was a cheater!” Out of sympathy, they scraped 30 pieces of silver together and gave it to him as little compensation, though this was only a fractional amount of what I actually owed him.
After some days, from my hill I saw my disciples walking from Jerusalem to Emmaus. I went down and accompanied them for a while. Since I looked a bit scruffy, they did not recognize me at once but only after some minutes. They asked me to stay for dinner, but that seemed too dangerous to me. I disappeared into the mountains again.
Stupidly, a Pharisee had seen me during this excursion and broadcast that. He even started the rumor that I would not have been put to death. That’s why my disciples invented the story that I really would have been dead, but would have been raised from the dead three days later. They even moved Judas’ corpse (that was regarded as mine) into another grave, so that they could present the empty grave to the Pharisees as a proof of my resurrection.
Then I lived some days secluded in the mountains of Samaria and left the preaching to my disciples. Later, when I could proceed on the assumption that no one would recognize me anymore, I moved to the Decapolis and set up a liquor store. Now I can look back to a fulfilled life and look forward to spend my remaining years calmly.