Looking after you dirty sheep can be a challenge for any of the 'gifts in men' among us. Thank Jah that the Faithful & Discreet Slave has provided an elder's manual for assistance, I mean, it's not as if the bible is any use in such matters.
Here are some of my favourite pearls of wisdom to help us truly appreciate the blessings of the slave class:
On rape (emphasis theirs):
One who was raped would not be guilty of por-nei'a. Discernment is needed in considering claims of rape, taking into consideration such factors as the mental disposition of the person, the circumstances that led up to the incident, and any delay in reporting.
How loving of the slave to advise us that we don't have to shun all our rape victims! Yet with balance too. Is she an hysterical woman? She probably just agreed to consensual sex without knowing it. Shun her. Did she allow herself to be left alone with another man, wear a short skirt or drink too much? Bitch had it coming. Shun her. Was she so ashamed or afraid of the consequences that she chose to keep the rape a secret? How dare she disrespect our compassionate elders! Shun her.
On disfellowshipping the gluttonous:
A glutton routinely shows a lack of restraint, even gorging himself on food to the point of feeling very uncomfortable or becoming sick.
Because whenever I meet someone who regularly eats to the point of vomiting, my first thought is not 'wow, they must be really struggling with mental health problems, what can I do to get them to seek professional help?' but 'EVILDOER! I MUST SHUN THEE!'
On selling your daughter:
A christian who greedily and unrepentantly extorts a high-bride price may be disfellowshipped from the congregation.
I like my brides cheap.
On repentance (emphasis theirs):
In order to extend mercy the committee must be convinced that the wrongdoer has a changed heart condition and that he has a zeal to right the wrong and is absolutely determined to avoid it in the future.
Guilty until proven innocent.
What a spiritual banquet indeed! And now you too can join in the appreciation, add your own!