Tell us a little about yourself and your family.
I am married (my second marriage, her first) and have two teenage daughters.
Were you a born in or a convert?
I was almost born in. My mother had Witnesses knock on her door on my second birthday while I was surrounded by presents. Those were the last birthday presents I got until I was 19.
Are your parents / family JWs?
My mother is still a Witness. My father died in 2000 but never accepted the teachings. The rest of the family is still in.
How many generations have been JWs?
I’m the second generation. Some of my brothers and sisters have children, so there is a third generation in the Organization.
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
No, I was thrown out as an unbaptized publisher.
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
It never rang true. On a very basic level, I couldn’t (and can’t) reconcile the vengeful, brutal Old Testament God with the loving, forgiving God represented in the New Testament. Specific stories, like Joshua asking God to make the sun stand still so he could kill more people (cf. Exodus 20:13) left me wondering not only why, but how this should happen.
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
Hard to say, as a lot of this was gut feeling for a long time. I do remember being particularly chilled by celebratory, maudlin accounts of letting a child die without a transfusion. “What a fine example,” etc. etc. I remember thinking that a parent’s first instinct should be to protect their child’s life at any cost. If I wanted to sacrifice my child in the name of religion, I may as well worship Molech.
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
This was pre-Internet, and I was dead scared of looking for books or information. Not many of the JW lessons took with me, but fearing apostate literature did. I guess I just had to figure it out on my own.
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
The most difficult part during the process was faking illness to escape Thursday and Sunday meetings. The rule in my house was that if I was too sick to miss a meeting, I was too sick to go to school. I regularly missed Mondays and Fridays, which was tough, because school was my escape and I prided myself on my grades (which suffered badly). But I just couldn’t stomach the Kingdom Hall anymore.
Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?
It was neither. Despite my nosediving grades, and with the singular assistance of my high school biology teacher (Mr. Miller, I am forever in your debt) who took an entire day to drive me to colleges, I was accepted at university. Once there, I asked for no help and received none. I labored as a stonemason’s apprentice to see my way through to graduation.
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
No, and that has never been my purpose.
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
They were utterly destroyed. As I’ve written elsewhere here, I shared an semi-political opinion column I wrote in the college newspaper with my older brother. He took the column to the elders at my home congregation. At some point afterward, after I’d returned to school for the spring semester, it was announced from the podium that I was no longer an approved associate, or something to that effect. It scored a lot of points for my older brother in the congregation. My family severed contact with me afterward.
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
Yes, I am still shunned by most of my family. Only in the last two years have my mother and younger brother started to communicate.
How long have you now been out?
Formally, twenty-three years, but it’s really been closer to thirty.
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
I had no specific plans. I just needed to get out, like that urge to breathe when you’re underwater.
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
Being a parent to two beautiful girls and teaching them to question everything, always, including me.
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
No. The congregations I went to were unfriendly and toxic. The hypocrisy was on full display.
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
Red pill. No regrets. None.
How do you now feel about religion in general?
Apathetic. Mostly, I see it at best as a crutch for the emotionally weak. It’s too easily and often used as a mechanism to control people and take their money.
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?
There is always a nagging little corner and always will be, unfortunately.
Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?
No.
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
A few regular people. I know no other ex-JWs.
Do you tell people about your JW past?
It usually doesn’t come up in conversation and it’s not a part of my past I much care to relate. Too much explaining to too little purpose. I can’t stand the thought of people pitying me.
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
No animosity, but plenty of disgust for the ambitious and sanctimonious Witnesses I have encountered.
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
“Sorry. Not interested.”
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
My instinct is to speak quietly, act charitably and let my life be my example. Activism is tempting, especially when there are so many wrongs to be righted, but it plays into the black and white, us vs. them mentality that the Organization relies upon to survive.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?
I don’t think the WTBTS can be destroyed, but it can and will rot from within.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
Most of my poor choices in life can be traced to Witness roots, but the choices were still mine and I’ll own my stupidity.
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
A clinical interest, yes. The doctrinal spins and about-faces are truly a sight to behold.
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
Other than contributing to this site, none at all.
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
There are a few people whose contributions I genuinely enjoy, a few trolls who I can’t stand, and a lot of people in between.
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?
Tough to say. For now, I like being along for the ride, even if mostly just an observer.
Do you fear the future?
I’d like to live long enough to see my daughters grow up and have families of their own. The only future I fear is the one I’m not in.
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
Trust your gut. These changes are not “the light getting brighter”. They are the flounderings and flip-flops of a few old men who are desperately trying to rewrite history and spin repeated failures to their advantage. Real truth withstands the test of outside examination!
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
That worldly red-haired girl? The one you walked eight miles through an ice storm to give flowers to? Kiss her.
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
Plenty, and far too many for this space alone.
Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)
No. I should probably get to work on that.