by manda63 25 Replies latest jw friends
Sorry to hear that.
There are worst situations. I have a friend of mine who is a disfellowshipped apostate, while his wife is not only still a JW, but a hardcore regular pioneer.
He is so hated by the congregation that he has been called Satan on the street by a member of the congregation. He tells me that his marriage is nothing but a formality.She doesn't work and depends on his money, so they live together but lead totally different lives.
My parents had a mixed marriage. We did not have a lot of social activities with JWs when I was young, but I think that was more about my mom than it was my dad. My JW mom isn't stupid and I don't think she wanted JWs to annoy my dad. They had a very good relationship and he adored her and she him. After he died she went into deep depression and then turned more social with JW ladies and service (she hates service but does her duty).
We did do a lot of things with our family. Some of hers were JW, none of dad's were. They had mixed groups for camping, hunting, fishing. I credit my dad for any normal childhood that I got outside of the congregation socially, but my mom was still a good mom for the most part. They did respect each others boundaries and there clearly were some, although they weren't spelled out to me. I know that at the end my dad got blood transfusions and my mom authorized them. They were never meant to save him, only to strengthen him from what I understood (cancer).
I would suggest that you encourage her to socialize outside of the org and that you even go with her sometimes. If they get hateful or condescending towards him (some will, many won't), she will be forced to go along or defend you. You being a good guy, she will have to defend you-even if internally-asking how you could be so hated by Jehovah?
My dad was the epitiome of good, decent, hardworking family man. No religion, but a good man with common sense and strong American ethics. That alone gives the JW spouse pause to consider the black/white nature of WT teachings and ideologies. My mom is still a JW, but she has admitted to me that she sees a lot of BS in the org. itself. At least it is good to know they don't have her heart and soul. I think she is just there for the socializing mostly these days, honestly. These people have been her friends for her whole life, she doesn't have any conflicting belief system and there seems to be no harm done.
I am happy to hear you love your wife and want to stay with her. Romance her as much as you can and distract her. Best wishes, new friend. Welcome to the forum.
Just to clarify jgnat, I think he said that he doesn't want them out in plain view. As someone who also has this unspoken rule in our home I can tell you having neutral area is very helpful. I know full well where all my jw's crap is, he knows where all my so called 'apostate' stuff is too. By keeping hidden from the other is out of respect for the others feelings. We both know there is often the big pink elephant in the room (jwism) no need to throw it in my face on a daily basis 24/7 by me having to look at the ridiculous rags lying on a coffee table! Likewise I do not keep books or printouts of the latest scandals and assinine new light out to distress him. He knows how I feel and I know and keep up with the latest jw nonsense so I know what may be coming next. But what works for one couple may not work for another, to each his own.
To get through life without the constant arguing about such nonsense makes life much better. More time for dancing, hiking, fishing, craft fairs, family, weekend getaways, wine, walks, dinners, etc........... (not to say I won't still deliver the anti witness literature when the mood strikes me! sometimes I still have to feel like I am fighting the cult so other families do not suffer the hell of the cult)
I hear you, Carla. I won't have Witness literature in our bed. It's a real mood-killer.
Manda63, Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear another marriage is under tremendous strain because of the WT. I was in your wive's shoes-- raised in from age 9. My husband was a raised in from age 5. He faded 30 years before I walked away. I am not saying this to discourage you, just to let you know that there is always hope. I was an all-in JW for 42 years of my life. My husband and I had a similar agreement. I kept my "publications" to myself, and he kept his "spiritistic", spooky stuff for a JW at his office.
As everyone has said, continue loving your wife. No matter how many times the elders gave me the "absolute spiritual endangerment" get out of jail free card, it always came down to loving my husband and sticking with him-- not always an easy thing for either of us, but we made it work.
I, too, had a very difficult time witnessing to wives at the door. I mentioned it to an elder, saying I didn't want to put anyone through the same pain I had living in a "divided household." His answer, "At least she would have Jehovah.", as he walked away. I didn't buy the "overlapping generation" crap of 2010, but I was still stuck in the cult. It took another year. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I could't stant to hear them say my kids were going to die one more time. I walked out of that meeting in mid-May confused, somehow knowing I wasn't going to be a JW anymore. Two weeks later another glimmer of hope happened on a sailboat charter vacation, away from meetings, Bible study, service, etc., I had the thought, "I wonder what my life would be like if I could just live in a tee shirt and shorts, no shoes, no dresses, no meetings, no books, no nothing-- just the wind in my face?" It happened so fast, but I remember it 'til this day. I didn't go to another meeting until the District Convention July 1-3. I was an outsider looking in. It felt like the Stepford wifes. I was done.
Get your wife away from the meetings as much as possible. Do fun things together. Try new things. Tell her you love her, and show her. Don't give up. Use Steven Hasaan's methods. They can work over time. You have a great advantage in having this forum and others. My hubby didn't have the Internet. Maybe if he had, I would have gotten out sooner. It doesn't matter now, because our nuclear family is out and free. My 86 year old in-laws are still in, but have no idea I left. It's easy to fog them as they live 500 miles away They shun my husband and my kids. Our Kids are grown, so there is really little need to visit.
I wish you all the best in keeping your marriage happy and stron and getting your wife out of this very dangerous, mind control cult.
Welcome manda63, DITTO big time what OnTheWayOut and jgnat wrote about reading Steve Hassan's books, visiting his website www.freedomofmind.com, and watching his videos on his website. The nice thing about watching Steve Hassan's videos and reading his e-books are that they are not in your house. I recommend watching the following videos:(2003) Steve Hassan explains SIA method to rescue a loved ones from unhealthy situations, NY Ethical Culture Society February 2013 (41:09), NY Ethical Culture Society 2010 (40:56).
I'm sorry that your wife is a "Spiritually Strong" (non-thinking) JW and I'm glad that you still love her. If you become too frustrated with your wife's behavior, please vent on JWN instead of venting at your wife and/or see a cult-exit counselor before seeing a lawyer.
If you want to help your wife to critically think for herself, then I recommend that you do the following:
Best of wishes helping your wife to critically think for herself.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
Robert
Sorry bro. Maybe you should show your wife the FAQ section from JW.ORG about only JW's being saved. Also, would a "true Christian" spouse treat the " non-believer " badly?! How would first century faithful " JW's" ahem.... have treated their Roman or Greek husbands?! How did Abigail treat her horrible husband, Nabal? How did Esther treat her Pagan husband!? I would call her out in a very matter of fact way. What does Jesus think of her when she is being disrespectful to you? Does God's word about wives being in subjection somehow not apply to her? Tell her if she is trying to "win you without a word" to The Truth (tm), then she really sucks at it.
DD
Welcome to this Forum. I will say this much though. Your relationship with your wife is proof that interfaith marriage has merit. The WT has tried to prevent this from happening. But, the females outnumbered the males and they are told to stay celebate until a male appears.
You're a good man to want to stay with your wife, and for the sacrifices you have made.
Thank you all for the quick and helpfull response.
Just to clarify I havent banned all material from the "caring organisation" I have just banned it from being out on show ie its kept away in a cupboard or gets put in the trash can like any of my dvd`s that are over the age of 12 rated ie action(to violent) films James Bond etc,books being deemed as pornia? this was a John updike book! science fiction book-satanic? crime novels-satanic?.
I think the problems got worse when I started to not go to JW shindigs even though I used to for 20 years and when questioned about it I pointed out that I couldnt sit in a room anymore with people that call the Pope but worship the similar GB, call the Catholics for sex abuse coverups even though it happens in the JW organisation, calling the clergy(my uncle is a Vicar) boasting that they have none- CO`S are paid and provided with cars arent they Clergy? Worldly people bashing, me being of no set religion would consider myself Worldly but not a bad person work hard,live a clean life etc so I find the chat boastful Idolization of the organisation,Very disrespectful and very hypocritical. my wife sees no wrong in what is said becouse it is all Biblical! and does nothing to back me up just joins in with opinions or nods and shakes her head so as much as I would like I can not endure anymore of those situations. I have been bombarded over the years that I am letting my family down by not accepting the True god and that my sons would never get to the age to marry and would be fatherless in Paradise-Thank you! but actually they did grow up to marry and both are very happy one a witness one not -so I dont know what all that was about? oh yes The Generation folly
The stern men in sharp suits often arrived unanounced to try and talk sense into me, reiterate what the grounds arefor spirital divorce are-threats! and warn me about two friends I have that are "apostates" these two people I dont consider as apostates they have merely changed to another christian religion and strive to do good charity work in a non boastfull way ,they dont even ever call the JW`S So actually are very good people.
The Elders do stir up trouble due to me telling them not to come to my house,that I dont acknowledge them as having any authority over me nor do I have any fear of an Organisation that often says things will happen that later dont. I pointed out that nowhere in the Bible does it say that you can dodge out of this by putting blame on human mistake-It clearly says it in every Bible with no ps "unless it is the watchtower organisation " obviously this did not go down well and has caused me to be perhaps marked and more attention (pressure) put on my wife.
I will continue to do my best to be a good Husband and father do nice things have weekends away be nice and loving to my wife not complain about the £20 she gives to the "8 Popes media company" in lew of clothes and hairdressers each week? but also perhaps order the Hassan book for good measure
Thank you all and enjoy everyday we have on this mostly wonderful planet
